i wish

came home after the airport session
it felt so much emptier
and that pang of hollow
that's getting all too familar
each time you go ..

picked and safe-placed
all belongings
just need to eliminate
all spots, bumps and traces
that would add to the bleeding
of this wounded heart

am not looking forward
to waking up
in the midst of the nite
searching,
wondering
and coming to terms
with this stretching distance
all over again

life goes on
o yes - i will be okay
just that
- i wish ...

insignificant

i cud be better
without that insignificant feeling
suddenly the excitement dies down
and i wish
time went slower

wonder no more

i used to wonder
why and why not
why is life so easy, breezy and glorifying for some
and so hard, sticky and demeaning for others

I used to get so upset and confused
when i’ve done all the right stuff
and worked my butt for my noble aim
and the result
- is an absolute miss

i used to wonder
how one could tolerate certain unbecoming situation
and not move on for a better option

i used to wonder,
what's life like with those at their 30, when i was 20
how is it like being 40, when i was 30,

as i turned 40,
i suppose i have a fair deal of life myself
to have that faith
that everything happens for a reason
as long as they are not against the prohibition of our deen,
one simply must have the faith
and put the best effort
for each nawaitu lillahita'ala

one gets her reward/share
for the faith
and for each of those effort
the end result - is of His dept,
if achieved is a bonus,
if it’s not, it’s not meant to be
– there’s something else in line for you..

Insyaallah.

sa-ah

counting
7, 6, ...
panicking
while also
having the bliss

but
sekejapnya
sa-ah yang ada
oooo my zawja

can't complain
just can't have it all
simply cherish
and make the best
of each sa-ah

counting
7, 6, ...
panicking

3 black men

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink 'willie'.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

mungkir

Pada penyaksian
sebuah
ketidaksetiaan
kemungkiran
membawa aku
ke singkapan
perjalanan yang lalu

Hancur luluh
kala terbongkar
kesah pencerobohan
pada sedunia harapan

Gementar
perit
kecewa
gagal
kesal
berbaur
kehampaan
dan
kesedihan

Hatiku berserta
sungguh kesian
pada insan
yang berharap
pada kesetiaan zawaja

Peristiwa luka
mengajar
kupupuk dalam diri
hidupkan harapan
hanya padaMu Tuhan

Engkau tak pernah memungkiri janjiMu

Permudahkan perjalananku

masih

bergenang
airmata
menyimbau
waktu
cukup
padat
rasa
cantiknya
hampir sempurna

Tuhan
tentukan
rezeki hamba
rezeki
bertumpang
sementara

senyap
terbatas
tapi
tetap mensyukuri
tetap mengenang
masih
jauh tapi dekat
dalam doa

jauh lagi
perjalanan
kita
teman
doa
kita semua diberkati

He says..

Therefore remember Me (by praying, glorifying, etc.). I will remember you...

A handbook

For each and every year indeed !

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.*
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.*
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.*
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.*
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:*
40. To share this with everyone you care about*

sempadan

ku bina
sempadan
antara
ruang
yang mampu
ku lewati
kejauhan
ketidakpastian
yang selalu
menggores
rasa
duka
alahai..
kejauhan itu
dekatnya di hati
dan hati pun
sering
mengintai
tertanya
apa
kenapa
bila
tak tertanggung
menitip
kenapa duka
di cari?
akurlah
ruang mu
di sempadan ini

Our Hope is betwen our Tears

I love this piece. Simply need to store this for handy reference:

When trials come, as they do, what will the first words on our lips be?
To Umm Zayed, the words of the Istirjaa prayer - to Allah we belong and to Him will we return - helped her to reconcile with a sudden and unexpected loss.

WE are taught that we should not ask for or seek out trials or difficulties in life. In fact, our Prophet (peace be upon him) instructed us to “Seek refuge with Allah from trials and tribulations, both visible and hidden” (Sahih Muslim). Yet, the virtues and rewards of observing patience in the face of adversity is highly extolled in our deen.

In the story of Umm Al-Momineen, Umm Salamah, she narrates the events following the death of her beloved husband, Abu Salamah. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) taught her how best to respond to her trial, by teaching her the beautiful words of the Istirjaa.

She says:
“The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: ‘There is no Muslim who suffers a calamity and says what Allah has commanded: ‘Innaa Lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raji’oon. Allahummaa ujurni fi musibati w’ukhluf li khayran minha’ (Truly! To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allah, reward me for my calamity and compensate me with something better than that), but Allah will compensate him with something better.

“When Abu Salamah died, I said, ‘Who among the Muslims could be better than Abu Salamah, the first family to migrate to the Messenger of Allah?’ Then I said (this Du’a) and Allah compensated me with the Messenger of Allah.” (Sahih Muslim).
The inspiring narrative ends on a happy note where she is blessed with a new husband in the person of the Prophet (peace be upon him) – a prospect she could never have imagined. This was the result of her faith, her patience and her Du’a at the time of her loss.

One can feel the emotional turmoil Umm Salamah went through and reflecting on the power of Allah, and make a Du’a: “Oh Allah, don’t put me into any trial. But if and when you do, for You do as You will, according to Your Wisdom, then guide me to remember You when calamity strikes. Guide me to the Istirjaa. Give me the strength of faith and soundness of mind to pray to you for patience and better compensation at that critical moment.”

“Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil).” (Qur’an, 2:155)
Indeed whatever is destined for us, good or bad, will come to pass. Allah can test us and whenever this will happen, don’t forget to say:
“Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raajioon. Allah humma ujurni fi musibati wa ikhlufli khairun minha.”

Indeed, Allah will listen our Du’a. Indeed Allah will guide us. Allah is Most Loving and Most Merciful to His servants.
The scholars have said that if we are guided to patience and to the words of Istirjaa after a disaster hits us, we should thank Allah for this honour. The Qur’an tells us: “… Give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere” (Qur’an, 2:155).
Every traumatic periods are short-lived. We should remind ourselves of the special blessing of Allah on us at hard times.
Only Allah Who took care of us yesterday and will take “O Allah, if and when you decide to try me again, guide my heart to more than patience. Guide me to the state of Ridha (pleasure in God’s decree and decision).”

Ameen.

Doa untuk Mak

text from Makkah @ 2 October, 2008

Mak!
yang kusayang dan kurindui
kulihat RAMADHAN dari kejauhan
kudekati lalu aku sapa
ia hendak ke mana?
dengan lembut ia berkata:
Aku harus pergi
mungkin jauh dan sangat lama
tolong sampaikan pesanku untuk siMukmin
SYAWAL akan tiba sebentar lagi
ajaklah SABAR untuk temani hari-hari dukanya
peluklah ISTIQAMAH saat dia kelelahan
dalam perjalanan TAQWA,
bersandarlah pada TAWADHU' saat kesombongan menyerang
mintalah nasehat dari QURAN & SUNNAH
di setiap masalah yang dihadapi
sampaikan pula salam dan terimakasih untuknya
kerana menyambutku dengan sukacita
kelak akan aku sambut di SYURGA
di pintu AR-RAYYAN

Selamat IdulFitri
mohon maaf lahir dan bathin
Anakmu,
Yusuf & Ridwan

measurement

I got myself a new trainer and it's measurement day.. Becky my trainer did her job to plan for my next regime. She asked what's my priority - weight loss or body toning? Taking various factors of importance to me, told her i want a combo - loose a few more kgs and tone up, by end March. It's gonna be lots of hard work, but i am enjoying myself alright. Hope to progress timely for DH's next visit.

While waiting, Rina, another trainer, made remarks that she could not relate to how i could stand being so far apart from my husband - seeing one another only after 4 months or so. She quoted that her husband left for a week training and she was all so freaking out. LOL :) I didn't bother checking which aspect she's referring to her freaking ;) but i shared some thots with the young woman. That - some things in life go beyond our planning.

Never did i imagine going through a failed marriage. Was hoping and working hard to save it - thinking that's the best i should do. Then i found myself going through a divorce anyway. Painful it was, but at the end of it, i was definitely happier being a divorcee. Sure, there were all the problems being a divorcee, some of which were unthinkable and absurd.. understood only by those in the same boat. Lonely i was, but i was more at peace, felt more secure.
Then I met AA, eventually tied the knot. As much as i would love to be with my husband, live together like other couples do, i know i am in a better state of being today than i was before.
Daily I am dealing with my loneliness etc, etc, etc, but somewhere out there, i know i have someone who is also counting days to see me.

Life - has its measurement chart as well. Like my current weight which is yoyo-ing, i need to manage these selected factors listed in the chart. I pray hard, for His guidance, to improve and have the right factors worked-on. Timeline? to work as though you're living forever and prepare yourself like death is tomorrow.

Today, bi-iznillah, I am definitely better in terms of my weight; I am definitely stronger in terms of my being.

Anak Angkat

Was packing for CNY-balik kampong, making sure i got all the necessary packed. Included in the toiletries is a bottle of this perfume yang i dah lama tak pakai. Thot rather than have it crowding my dressing table, i might as well leave it with the rest for my options/consumption in penang.

The scent of the perfume took me back to so many episodes in years 2005-2006 when there were repeated tremor in my marriage. I am pleased that of all the mega episodes, the scent brought me to revisiting my trip attending to Adik Yusuf - a mutawwif who later adopted mak as his mother di Jabbal Rahmah.
I was driving and he was by my side. Masa tu terasa tersusuk hidung with the very scent.. too strong that i felt bad - berbaur antara malu, segan and dosa - memakai wangi-wangian and being with a non-muhrim. Well - it's "Adik" Yusuf to me - but nonetheless - he is a non-muhrim and hukumnya tetap haram! Awat la pi salah picit - terbanyak la pulak spray effect hence the VERY strong scent! Sendiri pun terasa pening lalat..kesian Adik Yusuf. Was thankful that he did not comment apa-2.... alahai.

Having visited the episode - terkenang pulak - whatever happened to him and the lot. Spoke to Adik Yusuf last after i received a text from him. The text was meant for Mak - a beautiful poem/doa from Makkah. He was with adik Ridwan and Feri. I miss all of them .. Adik Yusuf would normally call before visiting mak, almost each time he comes back from attending to Umrah or Hajj. And as usual - we dont take janji Adik Yusuf too seriously - we know very well that his schedule are sooo tak menentu with unplanned requests from jemaahs and what nots. Mak is so blessed, alhamdulillah, dikurniakan anak angkat in the capacity of Ustaz Yusuf... who has brought along his whole family to be part of our clan. Hence his mother, his wife Wardiah, the kids - Jabir, Yasin and Idris, Ustaz Ridwan, Nisa, Siti Khadijah and Siti Aminah in our life. I tumpang menempek jadi kakak... tumpang-tumpang hendaknya terpalit dalam their prayers.

Was in Tesco with Mak, CikLi, Qayyum and Aiman looking for stuff in mak's list. I noticed a miss call with an unfamiliar number. Thot i'd deal with it later. Before settling down in bed at around 11-nish, as though ada strong pull, i dialled the number. Didn't expect a pickup at that hour but thot at least i've made the effort to return the call. If it's of any importance - expect the other end to take the action.

CNY morning - monday, packing & getting prepared to head home to KL after asar. Was was showering when my mobile rang... 'Assalamualaikum kak...' the voice of adik Yusuf. He's somewhere in a hotel in Butterworth, arrived the few days before from Jeddah, to Melaka, to Penang to take a ferry home with his mom and parents-in-law after a 5 months stay in Mekah. Masyaallah... seronoknya, being in Mekah for 5 MONTHS! I imagine turning into an angel (heheheh!)... simply makan-tidor and lots of ibadah-taubat between Masjidil Haram and Masjid Nabawi.

I asked Adik Yusuf for an hour to be there fetch him and the additional clan. Mak and I took them to a restaurant known for its fresh ikan bakar in Bandar Perda. But since they insisted they have taken heavy breakfast, we bought fruits - some durian, manggis, dokong, tembikai, grapes instead.

Kisahnya - Adik Yusuf still cud not secure the ferry tickets. So main task, drive him to penang for the tickets. NOONE would be willing to drive to penang on a CNY day. I think it's being smart as well as thoughtful to free the roads and traffic for the Chinese for their visiting and raya-ing business. But there i was - around 1:20 pm joining thousands others struggling to stay insane, fighting the traffic with hundreds of other vehicles - ciluk-menciluk, caci-mencaci (not me laa), fingers and fists going up in the air. Seriously - never imagined i would be driving to Penang - on Chinese New Year Day!
Caught in the bloody jamm, Adik Yusuf sitting next to me, Qayyum and Aiman at the back seat. We went one round of tazkirah after checking on our bacaan al-Fatihah with al-ustaz, he covered the rukun solat, i forwarded a few kemushkilan between mazhabs - mine and DH's; went into kisah Ali (another Mutawwif - Adik Yusuf's anak penakan, was my mutawwif in my solo 2nd umrah) and his predicaments in selecting his wife (may Allah Guide him). Had a good laugh dengar ceritera Adik Yusof.. by 3:30pm we were still stucked at the bibir of the penang bridge!

Wa ga lu kong - it takes LOTS OF GUTS to have your car move 2 inches and it's about surviving the ciluk-menciluk (seriously - tengah jamm macam tu nak ciluk celah mana.. can't people just stay in their queue and behave civilized!). Kalau Adik Yusuf tak de, i could have joined the finger bisnes. Err.. who's talking about being civilized?

We got to the ticket counter around 4.30-ish, thankful to secure the last 4 tickets to Medan. Alhamdulillah.

Mak senyum sampai ke telinga happy jumpa her Anak Angkat again!

Trip home to Kl deferred to Tuesday morning.

Gaza Fund Appeal

'Somebody' made appearance on Astro appealing for the Gaza Fund donation. When i first saw it - i simply think the person is so unfit to be standing for such a noble course.
Some things are not tallying...

He was 100% right

Found -

"I could have annihilated all the Jews of the whole world, But I deliberately left some of them alive, so all of you would know why I killed lot of them"
- Great Adolf Hitler

kosong

jauh
pandangan
luas
tak terbatas
tapi bersempadan

sekilas
ada bait ketenangan
seolah hanya aku dan alam
dengan deruan angin
mendung
mentari yang tak kelihatan

terasa hambar
terasa sepi
terasa kosong

Get a life

Received the following in my email today. Had lots of ting! ting! ting! from it..some real good thots - I simply need to keep it handy.

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD. Worth reading !!

"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".

nervous

I watch
the face
in his sleep
i see
a prick of
discontentment
at day
covered by laughter

the world
sees
a strong man

crisscrossed
is the journey
love
happiness
trust
broken
to pieces
in the name of
the pillar of thoughts
for life

so be it
crashed
and crushed
getting-up
falling
and getting up again

layers of love
cracked
abandoned
the wounded hearts
are they curable?

I am
by your side
reaching and gauging
the emotions
surrendering
love
passion
hope
happiness
often
untimely

seemingly arrogant
heartless

i watch
your face
in your sleep
i see the prick of discontentment
you
as i am
we are nervous
with this journey

gementar

ku tatap
wajah
di depanku
dalam lena
terpalit keresahan
yang
dikelam
dengan tawa

dunia
melihat
tamamnya
seorang
lelaki

bersiur
perjalanan
cinta
bahagia
percaya
terlerai
berkecai
demi pegangan
paksi pedoman
hidup

biar terhempas
jatuh berkecai
bangun
jatuh
dan bangun lagi

lapisan cinta
retak kasih
terabai
robeknya hati
apakah terubat

aku
kini
di sisi
menyelam rasa
berserah
cinta
kasih
harapan
bahagia
sering
ditepis

nampak angkuh
tak berhati

ku tatap
wajah mu
dalam lena
terpalit keresahan
kau
seperti aku
gementar
dengan perjalanan ini..