Have you ever woke up
in the midst of the night
feeling the pang of hollow
and emptiness
in your chest
as though something
is snatched out of you
you hear your heart crying
and you feel your soul yearning
and reaching out for something
so out of touch
it's simply something beyond..
This pain
is getting all too familiar
it comes with the loss of life precious
i first felt it when my grandma passed away
i felt it again when my dad left us
i felt it when my 11 years of marriage plunges
And this pain
it's revisiting
it's coming once too often
it's hurting so bad
it's really so bad
Yes - faith and patience
space, devine decree
and destiny
this is part of it
and it's simply something beyond me
Ya Allah,
If this is Your punishment to the sins i've committed, please forgive me
If this is a test to my faith, please increase my level of iman
If this is a test to my love, please give me strengths to endure this pain
Ya Allah,
I know you've heard me
And only You know what's best
I need your guidance..
Ya Rahman
Ya Rahim
Ya Rabbul'alamin.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Father's Day
It's Father's Day today and I miss Abah.
I wished I have told him often enough that I love him.
I wished I had been there for him often more - for him to know that he means so much to me.
Ya Allah, bless the soul of my beloved Abah.
Al Fatihah.
I wished I have told him often enough that I love him.
I wished I had been there for him often more - for him to know that he means so much to me.
Ya Allah, bless the soul of my beloved Abah.
Al Fatihah.
d e s t i n y
Apart from those at work, and a handful of friends from varsity days and colleague from my previous postings whose friendship with i maintain via email, i do not get to see many friends and I am okay with it.
Last week however, I attended an alumni gathering. There were mainly my seniors and a few of those of my badge. Some of whom i have not met at all since they were in different varsity, and some of those from the same school, i have not met for the last 17 years! It's interesting to witness how each one (that i knew) has practically moved with age. Alhamdulillah, despite the diversity in achievements, lifestyle and what each one is pursuing, you could still sense the bond which is somewhat still there. Then again, perhaps being in the yahoo-alumni group could have done the bit.
In another occasion, due to a required arrangement for my son, I met AM, who is in her early 40s. It has been a while since we last met and chatted. Initially I was very excited to learn that she's started her own advertising/event manager and the related company, while also co-managing a legal firm with her new partner. It's obvious that AM has put lots of investing, time and money wise for her new venture. AM related that her kids are beginning to complain seeing less and less of her and she admitted feeling guilty about her son's declining results at school.
Then she went on some other ventures she's helping friends with - including some big funding for a deep-sea fishing stuff - and the topics related got even 'heavier'. Despite it all - she sounded all so excited and elated, asking me if i'd like to join her for some karaoke sessions they'd normally have after work. It was 2130 hours and AM had to rush back to the office for some work matters, quote-unquote.
While i listened to her talking, my head wondered off identifying the differences of passion in different individual life.
Later when i was on my own - I began pondering - "where's my drive?", "what really is my passion?". Could one claim his/her passion better than the other? Then perhaps with satan's whisper "have i actually lost my grip?"
I am not exactly happy with what i am doing at work. Actually work sucks - people take you for granted - expecting the world from you while they pay you peanuts. But i've been doing what i am doing for the past 4 years. I know my strength in the area and coupled with one thousand and one other reasons, I choose to MINIMIZE change in my life at this point of time, with God's willing i.e.
It's pathetic to go back and relate to being divorced less than a year ago, and it's not right to blame the failure of my marriage for where I am now. What's important is that I choose to stay where I am - making the most of that little peanut that I am getting at the end of every month, to pay for the house, the car etc., etc. and survive.
Q1. Why was it that I was sincere when I told AM that I envy her?
A1. Simply because at one point of time, with the drive and passion I had then, I used to dream of becoming my own boss as well.
Q2. Do I want to be in her shoes?
A2. No - i'm inclined for other passions now.
Q3. Why the uncomfortable feeling and worse - the thought that if i had the choice, i'd rather not spend time her?
A3. ... bird of the same feather flocks together. i am just not in her league and i won't pretend to be.
Q4. Am I a bird?
A4. No. very much a human.
It was nothing detrimental, but it's not a simple matter either. To put it shortly, I am glad I had the opportunity to identify the differences and more importantly so, that I am feeling settled with my choices.
Alhamdulillah. I thank God I have come to this stage of consciousness.
Next i have this question. With the differences in passion for life with each individual, what's the chances that one is likely to bump into someone who almost has all the similarities and passions? If it is possible, could it be that the someone appears to have scored so well with you because you psycho yourself into it? What about infatuation? What's with disillusion?
I am still searching for the answer. I'd very much like to think that yes - it's likely for one to meet someone with almost all the similarities. It's something on destiny - by God's devine decree.
It's a long journey in life. Only He knows what awaits us next.
Last week however, I attended an alumni gathering. There were mainly my seniors and a few of those of my badge. Some of whom i have not met at all since they were in different varsity, and some of those from the same school, i have not met for the last 17 years! It's interesting to witness how each one (that i knew) has practically moved with age. Alhamdulillah, despite the diversity in achievements, lifestyle and what each one is pursuing, you could still sense the bond which is somewhat still there. Then again, perhaps being in the yahoo-alumni group could have done the bit.
In another occasion, due to a required arrangement for my son, I met AM, who is in her early 40s. It has been a while since we last met and chatted. Initially I was very excited to learn that she's started her own advertising/event manager and the related company, while also co-managing a legal firm with her new partner. It's obvious that AM has put lots of investing, time and money wise for her new venture. AM related that her kids are beginning to complain seeing less and less of her and she admitted feeling guilty about her son's declining results at school.
Then she went on some other ventures she's helping friends with - including some big funding for a deep-sea fishing stuff - and the topics related got even 'heavier'. Despite it all - she sounded all so excited and elated, asking me if i'd like to join her for some karaoke sessions they'd normally have after work. It was 2130 hours and AM had to rush back to the office for some work matters, quote-unquote.
While i listened to her talking, my head wondered off identifying the differences of passion in different individual life.
Later when i was on my own - I began pondering - "where's my drive?", "what really is my passion?". Could one claim his/her passion better than the other? Then perhaps with satan's whisper "have i actually lost my grip?"
I am not exactly happy with what i am doing at work. Actually work sucks - people take you for granted - expecting the world from you while they pay you peanuts. But i've been doing what i am doing for the past 4 years. I know my strength in the area and coupled with one thousand and one other reasons, I choose to MINIMIZE change in my life at this point of time, with God's willing i.e.
It's pathetic to go back and relate to being divorced less than a year ago, and it's not right to blame the failure of my marriage for where I am now. What's important is that I choose to stay where I am - making the most of that little peanut that I am getting at the end of every month, to pay for the house, the car etc., etc. and survive.
Q1. Why was it that I was sincere when I told AM that I envy her?
A1. Simply because at one point of time, with the drive and passion I had then, I used to dream of becoming my own boss as well.
Q2. Do I want to be in her shoes?
A2. No - i'm inclined for other passions now.
Q3. Why the uncomfortable feeling and worse - the thought that if i had the choice, i'd rather not spend time her?
A3. ... bird of the same feather flocks together. i am just not in her league and i won't pretend to be.
Q4. Am I a bird?
A4. No. very much a human.
It was nothing detrimental, but it's not a simple matter either. To put it shortly, I am glad I had the opportunity to identify the differences and more importantly so, that I am feeling settled with my choices.
Alhamdulillah. I thank God I have come to this stage of consciousness.
Next i have this question. With the differences in passion for life with each individual, what's the chances that one is likely to bump into someone who almost has all the similarities and passions? If it is possible, could it be that the someone appears to have scored so well with you because you psycho yourself into it? What about infatuation? What's with disillusion?
I am still searching for the answer. I'd very much like to think that yes - it's likely for one to meet someone with almost all the similarities. It's something on destiny - by God's devine decree.
It's a long journey in life. Only He knows what awaits us next.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)