h o l l o w

w o k e u p
t o
a
p a n g
o f
h o l l o w

t h a n k f u l
a l l
t h e
s a m e
t h a t
y o u
a r e
j u s t
a
c a l l
a w a y

c o u n t i n g
o n
t i m e
t o
d o
t h e
m a g i c

traces

Was at the airport.
God knows it's so difficult to let go..

Of course, i would survive. Life goes on.
Just that it's back to square one - me facing the vacuum, missing you, making plans, counting days - till we meet again.

Planned for so many things, but we deviated. Need to loose the extras. Me for you and you for me and the gym sessions made us both happy.

Lots of discoveries - on you, on me, on the reunion.

food's not critical - no need to impress with attempts to cook
fruits and lots of fruits
capati and dall
Football is part of life
priorities and all the other priorities
parents' love
independence
appearing strong
everyone in my family loves you
solat witir
the hair
the dentist
the tea
the hazelnut coffee
chow kit, cow shit and china town wishes
transporter
b-8-4
ironing requires skill
cooking requires observation
you can't change a man (not that it's intended)
it sucks being vulnerable
perception vs what's real
lesser expressions do not equal lesser emotions
ongoing tests
some things need to be discounted, some need to be marked-up
you need to love yourself before others could love you

Oh yes - God knows it's difficult.

In anticipation of the evening's confrontation with the sudden vacuum - after solat fajar, folded your sejadah, and carefully kept it in the wardrobe. Dont think i could bear seeing it and your sarong, hang with mine. Missing my imaam.

Was nervous coming home from work. Found myself tracing you. A pair of your slippers at the entrance, others you had thoughtfully placed in the shoe cabinet. Sighed. Had them rearranged - your shoes and snickers all in one cabinet. The pair of slippers joined them.

Entered the house. A pair of socks left by the door for washing. Delicate.

In the kitchen - saw you washing the cereal bowl from breakfast. Our tea mugs left to dry. Will have them placed in the cabinet later... awaiting for our next breakfast together.
The tea bagsssssssssss.

Your saccarine, the jar of your favourite cereal on the dining table.

The luggages, the iron, the un-ironed shirts, your bottle of perfume, the give-aways from the conferences in the end-room. The true fitness bag.

oh we forgot - the sewing machine and the hose in the other shower :(

The perfume joined the rest of mine in our bedroom, the luggages shall be in your wardrobe.
The toothbrush, the toiletries, the sponge in our shower.
The towel, the sarong. To wash separate and delicate.

God knows it's difficult.

And of course i would survive. Life has to go on. But being together is much better.

Am missing you, would be making plans, counting days - till we meet again.

Gently cuddled each pillow - they smell so you.

mamma mia's

Where are those happy days
they seem so hard to find?
I try to reach for you
but you have closed your mind
whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
it used to be so nice
it used to be so good

So when you're near me
darling can't you hear me
SOS
the love you gave me
nothing else can save me
SOS
when you're gone
how can I even try to go on
when you're gone
though I try how can I carry on

You seem so far away
though you are standing near
you made me feel alive
but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
what happened to our love?
It used to be so good

So when you're near me
darling can't you hear me
SOS
the love you gave me
nothing else can save me
SOS
when you're gone
how can I even try to go on
when you're gone
though I try how can I carry on

WE LOVE SOMEONE when

Extracted this from a comment on my favourite blogger.

Someone very special once told me that WE LOVE SOMEONE when...

We want to be with her all the time and cannot stand a moment apart...
We cannot stop thinking about her and wondering what she's doing...
We anticipate her wants and needs and will try our damndest to fulfill them...
We love, support, protect or at the very least respect everything that is important to her...
We give her the power to hurt us...

If you're reading this, I love you yang

Owner of a Broken Heart

sigh...

Where is islam?

Where is islam?
It's in your heart
and you keep it alive practicing it,
and you gain peace improving the practice each day

Re-alignment

Someone related that 'happiness is a matter of choice - of the options we have'.
I thought hard about it.

One can choose to complain about things till the cows come home and not be happy with it, or one can choose to ignore it - and life goes on..

That's about the line 'making the best of what one has'.
Only that, as a human being, one tends to compare and wish to have what one doesn't have. While those who have it may either not know they have it or simply take things for granted. How lucky for them or are they?

Then, there's the question :
'Why cant i have what the others have?'
I am not asking for the extras - i am just wishing for the basic.
I just want to be loved, want to feel protected, want to belong..
Is that asking too much?

It makes me sad as i have chosen to question what i don't have.
...
Perhaps i should focus on what I have and life goes on.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Perhaps I should work harder on the faith that we all belong to Him, Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang.
That - He is the Protector
That - to Him we belong and
That - to Him we shall return.
...
...
Ya Rabb, bless me the strength. You know best.

Mak's day out

DH's idea, we have everyone at the Chili's in MidValley for lunch today. The lunch was simply okay.

But for Mak dearest - it was a day to remember. DH took Mak around in MidValley. There was beloved Qayyum doing his bit with Mak on the wheelchair, of course.

Mak: 'apa jadi pun, yang jaga hati dia elok-elok. dalam sesingkat waktu - mak rasa sangat keikhlasan hati dia'

When we take her back to KD, Mak cried thinking she would not see DH anymore. DH promised we'd go see her again before the lot leave to kampung for cuti panjang christmas.

DH: she's like a real mother - to have tears for me like that.

Great - DH, Mak, Qayyum - my love, my life.

wifey

during my single-again days - i often heard people saying 'jadi isteri ni memang mudah. you'd be collecting pahala from different forms of ibadah - with the right nawaitus'. weird that having been one for all those 11 years and gone through all the windings, ups and downs - i didnt have the chance to feel the very perspective.

Yet - i see lots of truth in the claim.. a wife preparing food for her husband is an ibadah, you hand him a glass of water is an ibadah, you pass him a towel, you touch and greet him with a smile, bentangkan sejadah... all are ibadahs - the bed scene is of course one 'heaven' of an ibadah. masyaallah.

Since darling husband got here, i naturally - seikhlasnya do my bit as a wife. all the possible bit - minus cooking - to his likings though. it takes time to pick up the way he does. dh is super duperly particular about how food is prepared at home. as a quick temporary measure - i take him eat outside! the pratas and naan suits him well and he has lessER complaints.
That was resorted after efforts i made - bangun pagi prepare some malaysian dishes on top of the standard breakfast cereal and fruits bit, and ended up with dh tak jamah sikit pun! kecik jugak hati - but i'm settled with the fact that when it comes to food, i gotto give DH lots, and i mean LOADDSSSSSS of discount. otherwise - sendiri makan hati.

i once asked - 'you still think i cant cook?'
dh 'no - i didnt think you cant cook. i know you cant cook'
and he put on that wicked smile.

it has been a week today that dh is with me. this morning at breakfast, i told dh that i should start making it a practice at the end of each day - to mintak maaf from hujung kaki ke hujung rambut - for all the intentional and unintentional sins i commit throughout the day.
and i put on the sweetest smile.

time in waiting

time passby so quickly when you aren't waiting,
not that i ain't waiting,
it's just that i can't afford the waiting
while needing to cover and get so many things done

not that there were less things yesterdays
it's just that today
when it's confirmed that you'd be here in a few hours time
time passby so bloody quickly
i donno if i could get anything at all done!

lentok

On the way home fr the office, singgah at adik's place to see mak and the kids. After days of having them with me, terasa sunyi pulak when everyone's gone.

soksek hidung dah reda -- but my chest was feeling tight. anticipating i wud be coughing my chest/heart out malam ni.. i need to get over this. i need a good strong cough syrup... i need to go see a doctor.

sigh.. if only hubby is around, if only i live a normal life like other couples/families do.. i could well pegi lentok kepala and get some TLCs and attention - definitely hubby dearest wud take me to see a doctor, surely...

it's not that i'm not able to 'take' myself see a doctor..
yes - memang penat with the hoohaa at work today that i was covering for my friday and monday off,
and yes - malasnya nak put on the basic proper attire to go out,
however - it simply would be nice if there's someone with you.. looking after and taking care of you.
fever or cough wud get better, quicker. no hal! sigh..

cough, cough, cough... tomorrow petang hubby will arrive. I cant afford to be sick.

2345 hrs - was at a clinic. told dr peter i need the strongest cough syrup and i need to rid the phlegm. he presribed some medicine and ended his nags with 'gargle ok!'. Sambil bangun about to leave him, said 'do i have an option?'. he responded 'not much but you cud get a jab'.
i stopped and went blink, blink, blink dok pikir.
he said 'take la.. that's the quickest'.
blink, blink - was thinking nak expose part of my bontot dekat pakcik ni la pulak.
'why bontot, and not the arms?'
blink, blink - hubby's short stay
blink, blink - i cant afford to be sick

pulled down my pants a bit - enuf for the jab.
blink, blink - 'ouch!'

'make sure no milk, no eggs, or you'll have to see me again'

i said - 'no milk, no eggs, i dont want to see you - not for the next 3 weeks!'

i pray to live a normal life, soon.

senggot kehidupan

senggot kiri
senggot kanan
heghort bengot..
who can tell what lies ahead - awaiting
who can tell what lies behind the eyes, the smile ...

(for naz & yani with love and many thanks xxx)

contra nervous

i have a long-long list of things to do before the arrival of beloved husband dearest in - 46 hours time. but all i feel like doing is - put my head on the pillow, toss to the left a bit and probably to the right, a couple of blinks, and doze off peacefully. can i?

preference

something triggered that prompted for the question - of me being naive or stupid or gullible?
feedback
- neither naive nor stupid nor gullible.
- smart but straight and a bit islamic.

need to work on the bit being islamic, otherwise i am ok with that. i dont want to have hidden agendas in my life.

Life is about options ..