h o l l o w

w o k e u p
t o
a
p a n g
o f
h o l l o w

t h a n k f u l
a l l
t h e
s a m e
t h a t
y o u
a r e
j u s t
a
c a l l
a w a y

c o u n t i n g
o n
t i m e
t o
d o
t h e
m a g i c

traces

Was at the airport.
God knows it's so difficult to let go..

Of course, i would survive. Life goes on.
Just that it's back to square one - me facing the vacuum, missing you, making plans, counting days - till we meet again.

Planned for so many things, but we deviated. Need to loose the extras. Me for you and you for me and the gym sessions made us both happy.

Lots of discoveries - on you, on me, on the reunion.

food's not critical - no need to impress with attempts to cook
fruits and lots of fruits
capati and dall
Football is part of life
priorities and all the other priorities
parents' love
independence
appearing strong
everyone in my family loves you
solat witir
the hair
the dentist
the tea
the hazelnut coffee
chow kit, cow shit and china town wishes
transporter
b-8-4
ironing requires skill
cooking requires observation
you can't change a man (not that it's intended)
it sucks being vulnerable
perception vs what's real
lesser expressions do not equal lesser emotions
ongoing tests
some things need to be discounted, some need to be marked-up
you need to love yourself before others could love you

Oh yes - God knows it's difficult.

In anticipation of the evening's confrontation with the sudden vacuum - after solat fajar, folded your sejadah, and carefully kept it in the wardrobe. Dont think i could bear seeing it and your sarong, hang with mine. Missing my imaam.

Was nervous coming home from work. Found myself tracing you. A pair of your slippers at the entrance, others you had thoughtfully placed in the shoe cabinet. Sighed. Had them rearranged - your shoes and snickers all in one cabinet. The pair of slippers joined them.

Entered the house. A pair of socks left by the door for washing. Delicate.

In the kitchen - saw you washing the cereal bowl from breakfast. Our tea mugs left to dry. Will have them placed in the cabinet later... awaiting for our next breakfast together.
The tea bagsssssssssss.

Your saccarine, the jar of your favourite cereal on the dining table.

The luggages, the iron, the un-ironed shirts, your bottle of perfume, the give-aways from the conferences in the end-room. The true fitness bag.

oh we forgot - the sewing machine and the hose in the other shower :(

The perfume joined the rest of mine in our bedroom, the luggages shall be in your wardrobe.
The toothbrush, the toiletries, the sponge in our shower.
The towel, the sarong. To wash separate and delicate.

God knows it's difficult.

And of course i would survive. Life has to go on. But being together is much better.

Am missing you, would be making plans, counting days - till we meet again.

Gently cuddled each pillow - they smell so you.

mamma mia's

Where are those happy days
they seem so hard to find?
I try to reach for you
but you have closed your mind
whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
it used to be so nice
it used to be so good

So when you're near me
darling can't you hear me
SOS
the love you gave me
nothing else can save me
SOS
when you're gone
how can I even try to go on
when you're gone
though I try how can I carry on

You seem so far away
though you are standing near
you made me feel alive
but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
what happened to our love?
It used to be so good

So when you're near me
darling can't you hear me
SOS
the love you gave me
nothing else can save me
SOS
when you're gone
how can I even try to go on
when you're gone
though I try how can I carry on

WE LOVE SOMEONE when

Extracted this from a comment on my favourite blogger.

Someone very special once told me that WE LOVE SOMEONE when...

We want to be with her all the time and cannot stand a moment apart...
We cannot stop thinking about her and wondering what she's doing...
We anticipate her wants and needs and will try our damndest to fulfill them...
We love, support, protect or at the very least respect everything that is important to her...
We give her the power to hurt us...

If you're reading this, I love you yang

Owner of a Broken Heart

sigh...

Where is islam?

Where is islam?
It's in your heart
and you keep it alive practicing it,
and you gain peace improving the practice each day

Re-alignment

Someone related that 'happiness is a matter of choice - of the options we have'.
I thought hard about it.

One can choose to complain about things till the cows come home and not be happy with it, or one can choose to ignore it - and life goes on..

That's about the line 'making the best of what one has'.
Only that, as a human being, one tends to compare and wish to have what one doesn't have. While those who have it may either not know they have it or simply take things for granted. How lucky for them or are they?

Then, there's the question :
'Why cant i have what the others have?'
I am not asking for the extras - i am just wishing for the basic.
I just want to be loved, want to feel protected, want to belong..
Is that asking too much?

It makes me sad as i have chosen to question what i don't have.
...
Perhaps i should focus on what I have and life goes on.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Perhaps I should work harder on the faith that we all belong to Him, Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang.
That - He is the Protector
That - to Him we belong and
That - to Him we shall return.
...
...
Ya Rabb, bless me the strength. You know best.

Mak's day out

DH's idea, we have everyone at the Chili's in MidValley for lunch today. The lunch was simply okay.

But for Mak dearest - it was a day to remember. DH took Mak around in MidValley. There was beloved Qayyum doing his bit with Mak on the wheelchair, of course.

Mak: 'apa jadi pun, yang jaga hati dia elok-elok. dalam sesingkat waktu - mak rasa sangat keikhlasan hati dia'

When we take her back to KD, Mak cried thinking she would not see DH anymore. DH promised we'd go see her again before the lot leave to kampung for cuti panjang christmas.

DH: she's like a real mother - to have tears for me like that.

Great - DH, Mak, Qayyum - my love, my life.

wifey

during my single-again days - i often heard people saying 'jadi isteri ni memang mudah. you'd be collecting pahala from different forms of ibadah - with the right nawaitus'. weird that having been one for all those 11 years and gone through all the windings, ups and downs - i didnt have the chance to feel the very perspective.

Yet - i see lots of truth in the claim.. a wife preparing food for her husband is an ibadah, you hand him a glass of water is an ibadah, you pass him a towel, you touch and greet him with a smile, bentangkan sejadah... all are ibadahs - the bed scene is of course one 'heaven' of an ibadah. masyaallah.

Since darling husband got here, i naturally - seikhlasnya do my bit as a wife. all the possible bit - minus cooking - to his likings though. it takes time to pick up the way he does. dh is super duperly particular about how food is prepared at home. as a quick temporary measure - i take him eat outside! the pratas and naan suits him well and he has lessER complaints.
That was resorted after efforts i made - bangun pagi prepare some malaysian dishes on top of the standard breakfast cereal and fruits bit, and ended up with dh tak jamah sikit pun! kecik jugak hati - but i'm settled with the fact that when it comes to food, i gotto give DH lots, and i mean LOADDSSSSSS of discount. otherwise - sendiri makan hati.

i once asked - 'you still think i cant cook?'
dh 'no - i didnt think you cant cook. i know you cant cook'
and he put on that wicked smile.

it has been a week today that dh is with me. this morning at breakfast, i told dh that i should start making it a practice at the end of each day - to mintak maaf from hujung kaki ke hujung rambut - for all the intentional and unintentional sins i commit throughout the day.
and i put on the sweetest smile.

time in waiting

time passby so quickly when you aren't waiting,
not that i ain't waiting,
it's just that i can't afford the waiting
while needing to cover and get so many things done

not that there were less things yesterdays
it's just that today
when it's confirmed that you'd be here in a few hours time
time passby so bloody quickly
i donno if i could get anything at all done!

lentok

On the way home fr the office, singgah at adik's place to see mak and the kids. After days of having them with me, terasa sunyi pulak when everyone's gone.

soksek hidung dah reda -- but my chest was feeling tight. anticipating i wud be coughing my chest/heart out malam ni.. i need to get over this. i need a good strong cough syrup... i need to go see a doctor.

sigh.. if only hubby is around, if only i live a normal life like other couples/families do.. i could well pegi lentok kepala and get some TLCs and attention - definitely hubby dearest wud take me to see a doctor, surely...

it's not that i'm not able to 'take' myself see a doctor..
yes - memang penat with the hoohaa at work today that i was covering for my friday and monday off,
and yes - malasnya nak put on the basic proper attire to go out,
however - it simply would be nice if there's someone with you.. looking after and taking care of you.
fever or cough wud get better, quicker. no hal! sigh..

cough, cough, cough... tomorrow petang hubby will arrive. I cant afford to be sick.

2345 hrs - was at a clinic. told dr peter i need the strongest cough syrup and i need to rid the phlegm. he presribed some medicine and ended his nags with 'gargle ok!'. Sambil bangun about to leave him, said 'do i have an option?'. he responded 'not much but you cud get a jab'.
i stopped and went blink, blink, blink dok pikir.
he said 'take la.. that's the quickest'.
blink, blink - was thinking nak expose part of my bontot dekat pakcik ni la pulak.
'why bontot, and not the arms?'
blink, blink - hubby's short stay
blink, blink - i cant afford to be sick

pulled down my pants a bit - enuf for the jab.
blink, blink - 'ouch!'

'make sure no milk, no eggs, or you'll have to see me again'

i said - 'no milk, no eggs, i dont want to see you - not for the next 3 weeks!'

i pray to live a normal life, soon.

senggot kehidupan

senggot kiri
senggot kanan
heghort bengot..
who can tell what lies ahead - awaiting
who can tell what lies behind the eyes, the smile ...

(for naz & yani with love and many thanks xxx)

contra nervous

i have a long-long list of things to do before the arrival of beloved husband dearest in - 46 hours time. but all i feel like doing is - put my head on the pillow, toss to the left a bit and probably to the right, a couple of blinks, and doze off peacefully. can i?

preference

something triggered that prompted for the question - of me being naive or stupid or gullible?
feedback
- neither naive nor stupid nor gullible.
- smart but straight and a bit islamic.

need to work on the bit being islamic, otherwise i am ok with that. i dont want to have hidden agendas in my life.

Life is about options ..

q u e s t i o n m a r k s

?
h o w
c o u l d
s o m e o n e
s o
p r e c i o u s
c a u s e
s o
m u c h
h e a r t a c h e
?
h a s
y o u r
w o u n d
t u r n e d
y o u
b l i n d
a n d
h a r d
o r
h a s
m y
w o u n d
t u r n e d
m e
s e a r c h i n g
a n d
v u l n e r a b l e
?
t i m e
a n d
d i s t a n c e
?

. . .

suluh

revisited
compiled
sad :(

it has been a long winding road
still is

reactivated
Suluh is reborn

Revisit - GODSEND

Sunday, August 06, 2006
G O D S E N D

"Guidance of the Day:
Making it Happen: Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen. Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn't work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You will get much better results. It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either. Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we are waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us. [The Language of Letting Go]

Food for Thought:
Watch, wait. Time will unfold and reveal its purpose. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. "

counting again

17 days to go.
sigh..

The wiggleys

Was working in the balcony - attending to my pot plants. They've grown - beranak pinak since my last socializing with them. I needed to re-pot.

Had earlier decided not be interupted - cancelled/postponed all outside schedule to take my time doing things in-house. It's a peaceful morning.

Engelberg Humperdinck was in the background. Singing along, 'travelled' to those days in almarhum arwah abah's green peugeot 204 PN8342. Quite melekakan, bila sedar - terasa lenguh la pulak. Stretched - sempat danced a few rounds to the music.

Felt good - thought it would be nice if hubby was around. Then again - he could be a pain - who knows? :) while he's not here - i'd savour my peaceful moments.

Bumped into the wiggleys - the earth worms that is - while re-potting. Eeewe! autoreact - fingers genggam, tangan held back, kerekot. Geli is not the word, perhaps - jijik. If it was not for the glove i had on. Cound not imagine a direct contact with these little yulky creatures, despite appreciating the wonders they are doing to the plants. In their dark world - they are making rooms allowing the greens to breathe. Masyaallah! Using my glove - distributed them - making sure each of my pot hosts the wiggleys.

While watching one wiggling patiently into the wet soil, it came to me that one day -jijik or yulky - we would be going into their world.

In their dark world... Some serious thinking there. Life is too short.

the walk ii

An insight that leaves me thinking...
"...They are all of roads/paths leading somewhere and trees that grow high up into the sky. Coincident? I don’t think so...."

the walk

the promise

If you wait for me then
Ill come for you
Although Ive traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me,
if you miss me once in awhile
Then Ill return to you
Ill return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place thats warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
Ive longed for you
and I have desired
To see your face
your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If youll be waiting
Ive longed for you
and I have desired
To see your face,
your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
Please say youll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
if its one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
and say youll hold
A place for me in your heart.

affirmation

w o k e
i n
t h e
m i d s t
o f
t h e
n i t e
t r y i n g
to
r e a f f i r m
i f
i
w a s
t h e r e
w i t h
y o u
o r
i f
y o u
w e r e
h e r e
w i t h
m e

i a m h e r e o n m y o w n

your call

no expressions left unsaid
no gestures left undone
no prayers left unsent

i am about done

it's your call

the state of being

to

1) zerorize expectation
2) no one-some
3) pray harder

25 years leap

Each one has their own interesting stories.
I'd like to phrase them as fillers of the leap. It cud be by choice that the fillers are reflective on the individual's face.

And the face reflects the state of mind while a picture paints a thousand words.

One could be alone yet happy with it, the other may have everyone by herside - but still searching.

I just hope i'm real..

difference

there's a world of difference between 'wanting to' and 'obligated to'.

clothes in the closet

feeling like some ...

my kerongsang thor

and the sun shines...

Family @ Eid 2008

Mak and her siblings

Plus the children

Almarhum Abah's clan

Qayyum and ex-classmates

Makan ...

My cousin's merisik @ mak's

Makan @ merisik










Hence the up 3kg!!!

Semoga Ramadhan datang lagi for me..

feeling sad as my cycle parked-in today.
sad tapi tetap bersyukur i managed the last 24 days with taraweeh, and the last 3 nites with qiyam.

ya Allah - tubna ilallah, warojarkna ilallah...
terimalah ibadah hambamu.

i amused myself at www.yearbookyourself.com

1960


1968


1976


1994

the next

1. The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it.

2. Good health doesn't guarantee anything, the wisest thing to do is to live everyday as though it will be our last.

3. There is always a dignity that proceeds from the life well-lived by preparing for the next world, and from the acceptance of one's own death.

4. Death makes more precious each hour of those we have been given, it demands that life must be useful and rewarding.

5. It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that preceded them.

6. Unique circumstances of death will be granted to someone with a unique personality.

7. The race of men is like the race of leaves. As one generation flourishes, another decays.

8. Death is easiest for those who during their lives have given it most thought, as though always to be prepared for its imminence.

9. It is possible to die resigned and reconciled, patiently and tranquilly, having experienced life more fully because of the constant awareness that life may soon come to an end.

10. The utility of living consists not in the length of days, but in the use of time, a man may have lived long, and yet lived but little.

from Mak @ my four zero

pillow talks

Dangerous - kalau hati tiada iman...

Always and Forever

Happy birthday to my always, from your forever...
May Allah grant you all your wishes and doa.

sepatu baru

seolah di perhentian
menanti
setiap langkah
berhenti
langkah
henti lagi

menanti
menoleh
kiri dan kanan
kiri ke kanan?

lelah
tak bersudah
datang dan pergi
datang ke pergi?

redhalah
perhentian ini
adalah dunia mu
nokhtah sebuah perjalanan dulu
permulaan jalan baru

menapaklah
dengan sepatu baru
setiap langkah kau sendiri

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

Ya Allah, thank you for blessing me with yet another Ramadhan.
Beri aku kemudahan untuk mengecap sebolehnya kelazatan Ramadhan Mu.

Hopeful this is not the last...

eggs in a basket