hati kacau
dengan penangan
perancangan manusia
yang cetek ilmu dan iman
lalu melambakkan peninggalan
yang telah dipertanggungjawabkan
dengan pemakaian topi
seorang suami
hati kacau
kerana tak menyangka
secetek itu ilmu dan iman
yang mengikis sifat malu manusia
menitip perlakuan yang terbenak dari hati haiwan
manusia
kau sangka kau bijak dan menang
dalam sandiwara dan tipu helah dunia
tapi dunia fana...
sampai bila kan kau ketawa dengan sandiwara?
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
Gabra
On Saturday immediately after subuh, bibik got the trolley from downstairs and started to load stuff into my car. We - bibik and I - were heading north - balik kampung for the weekend to fetch Q and Mak.
I was contemplating either to proceed to the petrol station or direct to McD for breakfast. Banyak no in my head... Passing the guard house, i decided to proceed to the petrol station dulu. 'Perhaps i could get some breakfast there, too'.
So - i was in my own thots, sampai kat pump - programed for full tank and approached the kiosk to look-see what they've gotto offer. I found some freshly made karipap and sausage roll, and grabbed some drinks as well. Conveniently, i packed in 2 separate bags - one for me and one for bibik. At the counter - I happily picked some give-away stickers of Malaysian flag for Merdeka. Nope - don't think i'd stick any of it on my car.. Not that i am not patriotic - but Merdeka this year means so much More Merdeka to me ~ fullstop ;) Maybe Q would want to stick them on the window of his room.
On the way out - the pump attendant - an apek - signaled me that the fueling was done. I thanked him, approached my car and handed over the breakfast bags to bibik. Bibik! MAK! Bibik was not there! Mana la pulak peginya Bibik ni.. Tak kan 'lari' kut.. what a timing - not now please..! Mula panix...
I checked the boot - her bag of clothes was still there. So - she cud not have ran away without it. Mana la dia pi..?
me : 'Uncle, did you see my girl?'
uncle :'Aa? what girl? No.' then on second thots continued 'you check the toilet - maybe she go there.'
me: 'tq - aa toilet kat mana?'
The apek pointed the direction.
Bibik is such a penakut person - she would not go anywhere without telling me. 'Perhaps nature's call - tak tahan sangat dah kut...but we juet left the house'. I was negotiating with myself while driving the car around to the toilet. Honked - nothing. Went out and approached the toilet door. 'Bibik! bibik!' - nothing.
Push-opened the door - empty. Gabra.
La! mana la pegi nya bibik aku ni. Kidnapped - the person could as well took off with my car. I actually did not switch-off my car and even left my hand bag tadi - becoz i thot Bibik was there! Haiyaa...
Someone up there must be joking with me. Gotto relax ...
Called my goodfriend 'G, Bibik.. bla, bla, bla (ceghite from mula..)'.
G : 'Laa - pegi mana? u ada marah dia ke?'.
me: 'no' and suddenly teghingat - maybe dalam kemelut fikiran i tertinggai bibik kat parking dak? 'oklah G, i'll call u later'.
I drove back to the condo, passed the guard house and dari jauh nampak bibik tersengeh with a few other indo maids who were washing kereta depanya boss. Apa lah agaknya story bibik kat depa. Anyway - WAS I GLAD TO SEE HER!
'Saya pergi pulangkan trolley langsung puan tinggal kan saya..' songeh je dia.. It's really funny. If only she knew how gabra i was.. bibik, bibik.
Or should it write - 'torts, torts'?
I was contemplating either to proceed to the petrol station or direct to McD for breakfast. Banyak no in my head... Passing the guard house, i decided to proceed to the petrol station dulu. 'Perhaps i could get some breakfast there, too'.
So - i was in my own thots, sampai kat pump - programed for full tank and approached the kiosk to look-see what they've gotto offer. I found some freshly made karipap and sausage roll, and grabbed some drinks as well. Conveniently, i packed in 2 separate bags - one for me and one for bibik. At the counter - I happily picked some give-away stickers of Malaysian flag for Merdeka. Nope - don't think i'd stick any of it on my car.. Not that i am not patriotic - but Merdeka this year means so much More Merdeka to me ~ fullstop ;) Maybe Q would want to stick them on the window of his room.
On the way out - the pump attendant - an apek - signaled me that the fueling was done. I thanked him, approached my car and handed over the breakfast bags to bibik. Bibik! MAK! Bibik was not there! Mana la pulak peginya Bibik ni.. Tak kan 'lari' kut.. what a timing - not now please..! Mula panix...
I checked the boot - her bag of clothes was still there. So - she cud not have ran away without it. Mana la dia pi..?
me : 'Uncle, did you see my girl?'
uncle :'Aa? what girl? No.' then on second thots continued 'you check the toilet - maybe she go there.'
me: 'tq - aa toilet kat mana?'
The apek pointed the direction.
Bibik is such a penakut person - she would not go anywhere without telling me. 'Perhaps nature's call - tak tahan sangat dah kut...but we juet left the house'. I was negotiating with myself while driving the car around to the toilet. Honked - nothing. Went out and approached the toilet door. 'Bibik! bibik!' - nothing.
Push-opened the door - empty. Gabra.
La! mana la pegi nya bibik aku ni. Kidnapped - the person could as well took off with my car. I actually did not switch-off my car and even left my hand bag tadi - becoz i thot Bibik was there! Haiyaa...
Someone up there must be joking with me. Gotto relax ...
Called my goodfriend 'G, Bibik.. bla, bla, bla (ceghite from mula..)'.
G : 'Laa - pegi mana? u ada marah dia ke?'.
me: 'no' and suddenly teghingat - maybe dalam kemelut fikiran i tertinggai bibik kat parking dak? 'oklah G, i'll call u later'.
I drove back to the condo, passed the guard house and dari jauh nampak bibik tersengeh with a few other indo maids who were washing kereta depanya boss. Apa lah agaknya story bibik kat depa. Anyway - WAS I GLAD TO SEE HER!
'Saya pergi pulangkan trolley langsung puan tinggal kan saya..' songeh je dia.. It's really funny. If only she knew how gabra i was.. bibik, bibik.
Or should it write - 'torts, torts'?
Friday, August 26, 2005
mukjizat cinta
terkial seketika
mengenjak dan membetulkan
kedudukan sepasang telapak
mencari keselesaan dan keyakinan
berlapikkan asas
yang entah bagaimana
akan mantap dan tegap
penangan drama 11 tahun
seiring perjalanan si tanggang
sesal hanyalah pada hati-hati
yang menuruti lalu menangisi
curahan air pada daun keladi
setiap dusta yang terbongkar
memaksa langkah berpimpin hati luka
tapi kesudahan di setiap penghujung hari
terlapis satu kekuatan
ku kaut
lapisan demi lapisan
bersama titis percikan
menyegarkan pepohon layu
yang kian pulih menghijau
bagai mukjizat cinta
dan berkat doa
mengenjak dan membetulkan
kedudukan sepasang telapak
mencari keselesaan dan keyakinan
berlapikkan asas
yang entah bagaimana
akan mantap dan tegap
penangan drama 11 tahun
seiring perjalanan si tanggang
sesal hanyalah pada hati-hati
yang menuruti lalu menangisi
curahan air pada daun keladi
setiap dusta yang terbongkar
memaksa langkah berpimpin hati luka
tapi kesudahan di setiap penghujung hari
terlapis satu kekuatan
ku kaut
lapisan demi lapisan
bersama titis percikan
menyegarkan pepohon layu
yang kian pulih menghijau
bagai mukjizat cinta
dan berkat doa
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Fine
It's been really quiet at home this week. O yes - workload at the office is keeping me very busy, but after office hour bila balik rumah - it's very quiet. I'd come home - tell bibik to prepare dinner and then had a very quiet dinner. Don't even feel like watching tv.
Q has gone back to kampong - cuti sekolah. So has Mak who has been with me since the signs turned reality.
Kesian Mak - all her life she worries for me. I once told her to stop worrying, that 'i am in control of things' surrounding me i.e my marriage, in-laws, work etc, etc. But mother knows best - it's their instinct. While i did not see what's in for me - she had known all along.. therefore the worries. Kesian Mak.. Now that the signs turned reality - i couldn't tell her that i am ok, could i?
She left with tears - worrying that i'd be lonely. And she's been calling from home - each subuh and maghrib. Each time I told her i am fine. Really - i am fine. It's been quiet but i am not lonely.
So what's the difference? My definition - quiet: no/less noise; lonely: feeling of emptiness. Current status - it has been quiet - but no - i am not feeling lonely. Good signs :)
Left d office about 6:30 pm yesterday. It's a smooth traffic ~ less than 30 mins - dah sampai rumah. Lepak kejap - took my shower and had dinner. After maghrib, for the first time - i hand-washed my car. Bibik terkejut when i told her to prepare the bucket and towels. She asked what for and terjerit when i told her i wanted to wash my car ~ "biar saya yang cuci, puan". I told her i need some exercise. She reminded me of the gym in the facility which i very seldom frequent.
So I washed my car. It was breezy, the stars were sparkling in the sky and there was me in my own thots. Very harmonious indeed - my discovery tonite of the place (that i have been living for the last 17 months). Hmm - things i've taken for granted therefore missing out in life.
I am now scheduling to take pleasure from the gym next.
Mak - i am really fine. Alhamdulillah.
Q has gone back to kampong - cuti sekolah. So has Mak who has been with me since the signs turned reality.
Kesian Mak - all her life she worries for me. I once told her to stop worrying, that 'i am in control of things' surrounding me i.e my marriage, in-laws, work etc, etc. But mother knows best - it's their instinct. While i did not see what's in for me - she had known all along.. therefore the worries. Kesian Mak.. Now that the signs turned reality - i couldn't tell her that i am ok, could i?
She left with tears - worrying that i'd be lonely. And she's been calling from home - each subuh and maghrib. Each time I told her i am fine. Really - i am fine. It's been quiet but i am not lonely.
So what's the difference? My definition - quiet: no/less noise; lonely: feeling of emptiness. Current status - it has been quiet - but no - i am not feeling lonely. Good signs :)
Left d office about 6:30 pm yesterday. It's a smooth traffic ~ less than 30 mins - dah sampai rumah. Lepak kejap - took my shower and had dinner. After maghrib, for the first time - i hand-washed my car. Bibik terkejut when i told her to prepare the bucket and towels. She asked what for and terjerit when i told her i wanted to wash my car ~ "biar saya yang cuci, puan". I told her i need some exercise. She reminded me of the gym in the facility which i very seldom frequent.
So I washed my car. It was breezy, the stars were sparkling in the sky and there was me in my own thots. Very harmonious indeed - my discovery tonite of the place (that i have been living for the last 17 months). Hmm - things i've taken for granted therefore missing out in life.
I am now scheduling to take pleasure from the gym next.
Mak - i am really fine. Alhamdulillah.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The Art of
Interesting post in my mail - this is a must-keep and share -
"As you do, so shall you be rewarded." Prophet Muhammad Realize, as you project yourself, so shall you be perceived.
The art of navigating the road of life is not to be a victim of what happens to you; but rather to be an architect of the road and making things happen.
The art of problem-solving lies in your attitude and approach to the problem; think positively, often the problem lies in how we look at things.
The art of positive thinking is to have a positive image of yourself not by proclaiming your goodness in words but proclaim your goodness in deeds.
The art of bring you-nique is not in how you appear but rather in letting what you do and how you do it be a reflection of what you are.You are the only "you" that there is; no one can think with your mind, speak with your voice and smile with your face, cry with your tears or act with your body but you. So be the best "you" that you can be. As you choose good, decent and pleasant people to associate with, make yourself deserving of those associations. (Would you befriend "you" if you were someone else?)
The art of criticism lies not in succeeding to find faults, but in finding a means whereby the fault is realized and corrected.
The art of disagreement is not in being hostile and adamant but in being able to disagree without being disagreeable.
The art of disagreement is not in being hostile and adamant but in being able to disagree without being disagreeable.
The art of joyfulness is not only being happy yourself but in increasing that joy by bringing happiness to the lives of others.
The art of inspiring is to uplift others by suggestion and demonstration rather than by injunction and dictation.
The art of social living is not to appear better than others but in bringing out the best in yourself and facilitate bringing out the best of others.
The art of solitude is not only in occupying yourself when you are alone but in enjoying the company of the one you are alone with.
The art of personality is to commit yourself to being of benefit to the world and occupy yourself with so much striving to improve yourself that you have less time to criticize others.
The art of life is not passing time in this world (see Quran 57:20), but is to be like the candle recognizing the inevitability of death while bringing light to the world as it is consumed.
The reality of life is change, the challenge of life is to live it to its full, the lesson of life is its temporariness, the wisdom of life is to learn from the past and leave a better world for the future.
"As you do, so shall you be rewarded." Prophet Muhammad Realize, as you project yourself, so shall you be perceived.
The art of navigating the road of life is not to be a victim of what happens to you; but rather to be an architect of the road and making things happen.
The art of problem-solving lies in your attitude and approach to the problem; think positively, often the problem lies in how we look at things.
The art of positive thinking is to have a positive image of yourself not by proclaiming your goodness in words but proclaim your goodness in deeds.
The art of bring you-nique is not in how you appear but rather in letting what you do and how you do it be a reflection of what you are.You are the only "you" that there is; no one can think with your mind, speak with your voice and smile with your face, cry with your tears or act with your body but you. So be the best "you" that you can be. As you choose good, decent and pleasant people to associate with, make yourself deserving of those associations. (Would you befriend "you" if you were someone else?)
The art of criticism lies not in succeeding to find faults, but in finding a means whereby the fault is realized and corrected.
The art of disagreement is not in being hostile and adamant but in being able to disagree without being disagreeable.
The art of disagreement is not in being hostile and adamant but in being able to disagree without being disagreeable.
The art of joyfulness is not only being happy yourself but in increasing that joy by bringing happiness to the lives of others.
The art of inspiring is to uplift others by suggestion and demonstration rather than by injunction and dictation.
The art of social living is not to appear better than others but in bringing out the best in yourself and facilitate bringing out the best of others.
The art of solitude is not only in occupying yourself when you are alone but in enjoying the company of the one you are alone with.
The art of personality is to commit yourself to being of benefit to the world and occupy yourself with so much striving to improve yourself that you have less time to criticize others.
The art of life is not passing time in this world (see Quran 57:20), but is to be like the candle recognizing the inevitability of death while bringing light to the world as it is consumed.
The reality of life is change, the challenge of life is to live it to its full, the lesson of life is its temporariness, the wisdom of life is to learn from the past and leave a better world for the future.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Jebon
JEBON was something yang applied by my beloved aunties and uncles to stop adik and i from pursuing something yang boleh mendatangkan mudarat or mengganggu ketenangan - when we were very much younger. The lines wud be "ha! pi la tang tu - nanti jebon mai ambik, baghru tau!" or "ha! krghieyau kuat-kuat, nanti jebon dengark - dia mai ....". The jebon-ism worked - at least for a couple of years before we got use to it and realised that we never did see one anyway. So.
Never asked what jebon really is but imagined it's a kind of binatang. The pronunciation 'jay-bon' as applied - sounded macam gah and menakutkan. And since dipakai-guna untuk menakutkan - i assumed - it must be something pretty brutal and scary. It's been a long time since i heard it used on anyone kids (don't think it wud work with the current generation, anyway) - until today.
Adik and family drove from hometown to spend the weekend with me. 3 year old T'ah - my one and only niece was sitting on my lap when she innocently and sweetly asked in her pelat "Mom, dad mana dad?". Baru otak nak swing - macamana nak explain to this little angel - adik saved me timely. He said "Dad dah kena makan dengan Jebon besark." T'ah didn't show any reaction and kept quiet. But the rest of us adults were grinning and tried hard not to laugh..
Later in the evening - T'ah was sitting close to me. Saje nak test so i asked "dad mana t'ah?". She actually whispered "Jebon-dah-makan", squirked her nose and smiled widely to me.
Sungguh bahagia hidup ini... :)
Nur Fatihah
Never asked what jebon really is but imagined it's a kind of binatang. The pronunciation 'jay-bon' as applied - sounded macam gah and menakutkan. And since dipakai-guna untuk menakutkan - i assumed - it must be something pretty brutal and scary. It's been a long time since i heard it used on anyone kids (don't think it wud work with the current generation, anyway) - until today.
Adik and family drove from hometown to spend the weekend with me. 3 year old T'ah - my one and only niece was sitting on my lap when she innocently and sweetly asked in her pelat "Mom, dad mana dad?". Baru otak nak swing - macamana nak explain to this little angel - adik saved me timely. He said "Dad dah kena makan dengan Jebon besark." T'ah didn't show any reaction and kept quiet. But the rest of us adults were grinning and tried hard not to laugh..
Later in the evening - T'ah was sitting close to me. Saje nak test so i asked "dad mana t'ah?". She actually whispered "Jebon-dah-makan", squirked her nose and smiled widely to me.
Sungguh bahagia hidup ini... :)
Nur Fatihah
langkah
kusut semalam terlerai
dengan hela nafas panjang
lega dengan kesedaran
dari sebuah mimpi kehidupan
langkah ku menapak
dengan bekalan kekuatan
dari sepanjang usia ikatan
mengendong dan menggilap intan
yang rupanya kaca
ku semai kesetiaan
penuh ikhlas
atas nama cinta
sayang kau tabur dusta
aku tak leka
cuma menghayati ikatan
tanda setia
langkah ku menapak
dengan bekalan kekuatan
dari sepanjang usia ikatan
dan doa
yang pasti
kau hilang kesemuanya...
dengan hela nafas panjang
lega dengan kesedaran
dari sebuah mimpi kehidupan
langkah ku menapak
dengan bekalan kekuatan
dari sepanjang usia ikatan
mengendong dan menggilap intan
yang rupanya kaca
ku semai kesetiaan
penuh ikhlas
atas nama cinta
sayang kau tabur dusta
aku tak leka
cuma menghayati ikatan
tanda setia
langkah ku menapak
dengan bekalan kekuatan
dari sepanjang usia ikatan
dan doa
yang pasti
kau hilang kesemuanya...
Monday, August 15, 2005
Signs
God has answered my prayers in Baitullah. Received the 'signs' when i was there - the first sent me running to kaabah - i prayed and cried so hard... I prayed for the best of my marriage - i prayed Tuhan memudahkan perjalanan hidup ini.
Just before tawaf widak - my heart went pumping so fast - butterflies in my stomach - i was so nervous. The only time i felt this way was when i received the phone call from home that arwah abah tenat. I was pretty sure that this time it was becoz i didn't actually want to leave makkah... hati tersangatlah beratnya. I found so much peace in every other aspect - except for the signs.
I heard the voice in my head asking 'why need to go home?' - no answer. Then i heard myself praying 'Ya Tuhan - beri petunjukMu - how cud i stay here longer? aku cinta segala yang kutemu di sini... Sedihnya hatiku nak meninggalkan rumahMu. Ya Allah berilah petunjukMu.' - repeatedly.
Dalam kemelut seribu kegundahan - a male voice gave me his salam. (This is real. It's not malaikat ke ape - coz nope - i'm not 'there' yet;). A 'young' arab chap was resting on one of the sofas at the hotel lobby. Mak and I were sitting very nearby minding our own biznes. Afterall for me - hati tengah gundah gulana giler
We exchanged inputs on our origins, bla, bla, bla. Mohamad was a mutawif from Cairo. Being polite - I showed some interest asking further about his group of jemaah. Well - if it cud help divert my focus on my heartache - why not. He asked if i really wanted to go to Cairo. I thot - very irrelevant.. macam la dia nak bawak aku? Then "Are you married?". Tersentak kejap tapi control 'macho' and said "yes". By then the other jemaah including 2-3 orang anak dara joined us and i got them in the conversation. May be some miracle cud happen to one of them berkat doa sakan kat jabal rahmah.
But Mohamad was not finished with me. Sempat hati tertanya - why the attention on me? syok ada jugak but its just pelek sungguh. Apalaa yang mamat ni pandang kat aku – muka hitam terbakar dek panas matahari – and I am fat (the fact that I am sweet – ah well – no comment :) He asked further "how old r u?". I replied "what do you think?". I cud clearly recall the grin on his face. Imagine the face of Drew Barrimore – with beard and hair, much slimmer. Kinda cute.
Dengan pelat arab dia “I donno”.
I asked “how old r u?”
He said “26”.
“Okay – I’m born 11 years before u”.
“Masyaallah – u look like 24”.
Memangle mamat ni kasi gua syok kejap. Sempat I jeling kat my mother who was also smiling “mana nak letak laki cek tu noo..” I said to my mom.
What I didn’t know then was that the conversation with Mohamad was also another sign.
Just before tawaf widak - my heart went pumping so fast - butterflies in my stomach - i was so nervous. The only time i felt this way was when i received the phone call from home that arwah abah tenat. I was pretty sure that this time it was becoz i didn't actually want to leave makkah... hati tersangatlah beratnya. I found so much peace in every other aspect - except for the signs.
I heard the voice in my head asking 'why need to go home?' - no answer. Then i heard myself praying 'Ya Tuhan - beri petunjukMu - how cud i stay here longer? aku cinta segala yang kutemu di sini... Sedihnya hatiku nak meninggalkan rumahMu. Ya Allah berilah petunjukMu.' - repeatedly.
Dalam kemelut seribu kegundahan - a male voice gave me his salam. (This is real. It's not malaikat ke ape - coz nope - i'm not 'there' yet;). A 'young' arab chap was resting on one of the sofas at the hotel lobby. Mak and I were sitting very nearby minding our own biznes. Afterall for me - hati tengah gundah gulana giler
We exchanged inputs on our origins, bla, bla, bla. Mohamad was a mutawif from Cairo. Being polite - I showed some interest asking further about his group of jemaah. Well - if it cud help divert my focus on my heartache - why not. He asked if i really wanted to go to Cairo. I thot - very irrelevant.. macam la dia nak bawak aku? Then "Are you married?". Tersentak kejap tapi control 'macho' and said "yes". By then the other jemaah including 2-3 orang anak dara joined us and i got them in the conversation. May be some miracle cud happen to one of them berkat doa sakan kat jabal rahmah.
But Mohamad was not finished with me. Sempat hati tertanya - why the attention on me? syok ada jugak but its just pelek sungguh. Apalaa yang mamat ni pandang kat aku – muka hitam terbakar dek panas matahari – and I am fat (the fact that I am sweet – ah well – no comment :) He asked further "how old r u?". I replied "what do you think?". I cud clearly recall the grin on his face. Imagine the face of Drew Barrimore – with beard and hair, much slimmer. Kinda cute.
Dengan pelat arab dia “I donno”.
I asked “how old r u?”
He said “26”.
“Okay – I’m born 11 years before u”.
“Masyaallah – u look like 24”.
Memangle mamat ni kasi gua syok kejap. Sempat I jeling kat my mother who was also smiling “mana nak letak laki cek tu noo..” I said to my mom.
What I didn’t know then was that the conversation with Mohamad was also another sign.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Insights
Kau kata di permulaan
Kau malukut di tepi gantang cuma
Dan aku bertekad merentasi perjalanan
Demi cinta kita
Berpaut secebis potensi yang ku pasti kau miliki
Rupanya sukar perjalanan ini
Jatuh, bangun,
Tersungkur dan jatuh lagi
Tetap digagahi
Dengan hijrah sinar baru menerjah
Sayangnya kau cepat alpa
Kau akur dengan godaan menara
Sedangkan aku masih termengah
Dengan jatuh bangun perjalanan semalam
Terkapa..
Terkapa..
Pautan ku rapuh rupanya
Hati dan cinta berkecai
Ku kaut, ku cantum tinggalan
Tak lagi sama
Tampak nyata serpihan di sini sana
Aduhai...
Ke manakah hala tuju?
Seusia ku diulit cengkaman
Di persimpangan dan jurang
Yang tak pernah terduga
Sanggup kau bawa
Berpatah bagai meminggir maruah
Berterus bagai menggadai kepercayaan diri
Ntah apalah asasnya
Kita teruskan jua
Mungkinkah kerana kita manusia
Terkadang tersadung langkahnya
Sampai kini
Perjalanan harian dengan tawa dan resah
Sering diterjah mimpi ngeri semalam
Keindahan bagai persinggahan
Antara mimpi-mimpi yang melelahkan emosi
Mengikis dasar cinta dan kasih
Apakah masih kita rasa?
Penantianku kini berharian
Bilakah waktunya?
Apakah kan tiba?
Giliran aku dibelai manja
Tanpa perlu meresah setiap perjalanan kehidupan.
Kau malukut di tepi gantang cuma
Dan aku bertekad merentasi perjalanan
Demi cinta kita
Berpaut secebis potensi yang ku pasti kau miliki
Rupanya sukar perjalanan ini
Jatuh, bangun,
Tersungkur dan jatuh lagi
Tetap digagahi
Dengan hijrah sinar baru menerjah
Sayangnya kau cepat alpa
Kau akur dengan godaan menara
Sedangkan aku masih termengah
Dengan jatuh bangun perjalanan semalam
Terkapa..
Terkapa..
Pautan ku rapuh rupanya
Hati dan cinta berkecai
Ku kaut, ku cantum tinggalan
Tak lagi sama
Tampak nyata serpihan di sini sana
Aduhai...
Ke manakah hala tuju?
Seusia ku diulit cengkaman
Di persimpangan dan jurang
Yang tak pernah terduga
Sanggup kau bawa
Berpatah bagai meminggir maruah
Berterus bagai menggadai kepercayaan diri
Ntah apalah asasnya
Kita teruskan jua
Mungkinkah kerana kita manusia
Terkadang tersadung langkahnya
Sampai kini
Perjalanan harian dengan tawa dan resah
Sering diterjah mimpi ngeri semalam
Keindahan bagai persinggahan
Antara mimpi-mimpi yang melelahkan emosi
Mengikis dasar cinta dan kasih
Apakah masih kita rasa?
Penantianku kini berharian
Bilakah waktunya?
Apakah kan tiba?
Giliran aku dibelai manja
Tanpa perlu meresah setiap perjalanan kehidupan.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Berpaut
Aku bersyukur kepadaMu
Dengan pertemuan yang telah engkau tentukan
Dan berpaut aku menumpang
kasih dan doa seorang anak
Aku berdoa padaMu Tuhan
Permudahkan perjalanan anakku
Makbulkan hasrat mulia dan doa
Berkati kehidupan kami
dan jadikan perpisahan ini hanya sementara
dan aku akan bertemu anakku lagi...
- Ummy @ 23 June 2005.
Dengan pertemuan yang telah engkau tentukan
Dan berpaut aku menumpang
kasih dan doa seorang anak
Aku berdoa padaMu Tuhan
Permudahkan perjalanan anakku
Makbulkan hasrat mulia dan doa
Berkati kehidupan kami
dan jadikan perpisahan ini hanya sementara
dan aku akan bertemu anakku lagi...
- Ummy @ 23 June 2005.
Damai @ Jabal Nur
1)
Di tengah panjatan Jabal Nur,
Niat menyusur puncak damai kekasih Allah,
Ku usap keindahan malam
- indahnya kerlipan Makkatul Mukarromah
- tenangnya kesamaran Jabal Nur dalam dakapan cahaya Baitullah
Ya Allah, Engkau yang Maha Esa.
2)
Dalam debaran kekaguman
Kegundahan menerjah
Tertitip air mata menerajui esakan sayu hiba
Akan esok yang pasti akan datang
Lalu terpisahlah aku dari rumahMu, Ya Allah.
3)
Sesungguhnya aku cinta segala yang dipertemukan di sini
Kasih bersemai
.. damai.
-Ummy @ 22 June 2005 @ Jabal Nur
Di tengah panjatan Jabal Nur,
Niat menyusur puncak damai kekasih Allah,
Ku usap keindahan malam
- indahnya kerlipan Makkatul Mukarromah
- tenangnya kesamaran Jabal Nur dalam dakapan cahaya Baitullah
Ya Allah, Engkau yang Maha Esa.
2)
Dalam debaran kekaguman
Kegundahan menerjah
Tertitip air mata menerajui esakan sayu hiba
Akan esok yang pasti akan datang
Lalu terpisahlah aku dari rumahMu, Ya Allah.
3)
Sesungguhnya aku cinta segala yang dipertemukan di sini
Kasih bersemai
.. damai.
-Ummy @ 22 June 2005 @ Jabal Nur
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Q
My son - Q, hubby and I were lepaking in our bedroom with some readings, when Q broke the silence with the following question, "Mom, what's bersetubuh?". Terjegey kejap mata - i thot 'alamak - macamana aku nak jawab ni'. For a while i did not move and as i was lying on the bed - i hoped Q would pass the question as 'mom has fallen asleep'. Hubby didn't help as well as he had actually pretended to be asleep! Then Q repeated his question.
This is actually on the 13 pantang larang dalam ihram. I took a shot ler.. "Ummm... bersetubuh is something to do with orang lelaki and perempuan yang dah kawin jer. Q tak perlu worry about that for the umrah, ok." Q replied with a quick "ok". I know he noticed the extended silence and somewhat knew what's it's about.
I also know my respond was not at all good but was the best i could offer at that mo. Donno if one day i'd have to revisit the question with Q. Perhaps he'll pick it up like i did when i was about his age dulu :).
Sometimes when hubby and I hugged and kissed (inosen ones & nothing sweaty) in his presence - he'd wear the smile with a squirk in his eyes and "ewwwe" us!
BTW - Q is going to be 10 in November, my mom's first and favourite cucu and is coming along on the umrah trip with me, mak, my brother and 2 uncles.
This is actually on the 13 pantang larang dalam ihram. I took a shot ler.. "Ummm... bersetubuh is something to do with orang lelaki and perempuan yang dah kawin jer. Q tak perlu worry about that for the umrah, ok." Q replied with a quick "ok". I know he noticed the extended silence and somewhat knew what's it's about.
I also know my respond was not at all good but was the best i could offer at that mo. Donno if one day i'd have to revisit the question with Q. Perhaps he'll pick it up like i did when i was about his age dulu :).
Sometimes when hubby and I hugged and kissed (inosen ones & nothing sweaty) in his presence - he'd wear the smile with a squirk in his eyes and "ewwwe" us!
BTW - Q is going to be 10 in November, my mom's first and favourite cucu and is coming along on the umrah trip with me, mak, my brother and 2 uncles.
The Guest
It has been a while since i last blogged, each new attempt ended with smtg unfinished. Still not used to blogging - i'd want to check and ensure that i fret and i fret correctly. Lots have happened and i want so much to blog about each but time is so limited.
3 weeks ago - i picked up on a nicely folded promise to beloved mak - i.e to temankan dia perform umrah. After arwah abah left us, mak expressed her wish.. she's counting on me and adik to 'handle' her on her wheelchair. Been almost 3 years now.. the workload with adik and i never get reduced - will it ever? Mak has always put our career above other things, but i know she's not getting younger - noone is. I want so much to fulfil her wish, while i have the opportunity.
Umrah countdown @ 10 days... so much to do, so litle time. Work is a real mess with last minute schedule changes and all.. and menatang benda alah that i'm handling is not smtg i could secure from hypermarkets. So much politics involved - internally within the company, inter depts and within the dept; externally from the mega clients and shitty vessel agents/owners. And the clock goes tick! tick! tick!
Today - the email has been yo-yoing - up, down, up and down. Yup! what better time/reason to blog.
Hmm.. becoming the guest. "Is this by invitation?" i have pondered. It sure is a big thing for me. In preparation - i so far managed to attend two sessions of 'kursus umrah'. The deeper i go - the more excited yet more nervous i get.
I have been crying hard - my preparedness tak seberapa. Heard a lot tentang dugaan di sana. I am scared anticipating ujian yang akan menimpa. At the same time - i look forward so much to visit places yang terjanji olehNya rahmat. If only - i cud just put everything kat ofis ni aside..and concentrate on my preparation. Wishful... but.
I can only pray - Tuhan lancarkan perjalanan ibadah umrah - asked for strength to face what's to come. Last week was the peak. The biggest fear is with my period which has been very unpredictable. Tension kot, huh? That very night - muhasabah diri or what i wasn't sure - i woke up in the middle of the night - cried so much, so hard. Everything jumbled up - workload pressure, the preparation, the excitement, the separation from hubby, mak's health, my son and everything else. Sunat hajat however went with only one wish - to get my period before i go so that it wud stay out of my way - all to handle mak and perform umrah.
I am blessed the very next morning. I got it. Just like that. One down. My close friend put it that i am already binded as a guest. I have faith in my faith.. so God willing - a good guest i shall be. I cud visualize me pushing mak performing tawaff "Labbaikallah..(In respond to Your call...)"
3 weeks ago - i picked up on a nicely folded promise to beloved mak - i.e to temankan dia perform umrah. After arwah abah left us, mak expressed her wish.. she's counting on me and adik to 'handle' her on her wheelchair. Been almost 3 years now.. the workload with adik and i never get reduced - will it ever? Mak has always put our career above other things, but i know she's not getting younger - noone is. I want so much to fulfil her wish, while i have the opportunity.
Umrah countdown @ 10 days... so much to do, so litle time. Work is a real mess with last minute schedule changes and all.. and menatang benda alah that i'm handling is not smtg i could secure from hypermarkets. So much politics involved - internally within the company, inter depts and within the dept; externally from the mega clients and shitty vessel agents/owners. And the clock goes tick! tick! tick!
Today - the email has been yo-yoing - up, down, up and down. Yup! what better time/reason to blog.
Hmm.. becoming the guest. "Is this by invitation?" i have pondered. It sure is a big thing for me. In preparation - i so far managed to attend two sessions of 'kursus umrah'. The deeper i go - the more excited yet more nervous i get.
I have been crying hard - my preparedness tak seberapa. Heard a lot tentang dugaan di sana. I am scared anticipating ujian yang akan menimpa. At the same time - i look forward so much to visit places yang terjanji olehNya rahmat. If only - i cud just put everything kat ofis ni aside..and concentrate on my preparation. Wishful... but.
I can only pray - Tuhan lancarkan perjalanan ibadah umrah - asked for strength to face what's to come. Last week was the peak. The biggest fear is with my period which has been very unpredictable. Tension kot, huh? That very night - muhasabah diri or what i wasn't sure - i woke up in the middle of the night - cried so much, so hard. Everything jumbled up - workload pressure, the preparation, the excitement, the separation from hubby, mak's health, my son and everything else. Sunat hajat however went with only one wish - to get my period before i go so that it wud stay out of my way - all to handle mak and perform umrah.
I am blessed the very next morning. I got it. Just like that. One down. My close friend put it that i am already binded as a guest. I have faith in my faith.. so God willing - a good guest i shall be. I cud visualize me pushing mak performing tawaff "Labbaikallah..(In respond to Your call...)"
Saturday, April 30, 2005
beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
when i was much younger - when mak was about my age now - i remember her often asking me on her looks. At that age – I wondered why she needed to ask? To me she's beautiful - still is with defined features. I got only a portion of her features - and thankful to God.
Each time I went through photos of her days in college - always thought she's hot. I would be so far behind if she's born during my days - or if i'm born during hers. Again - thank God. I am envious - yet proud :)
Apart from those photos in college, as far as i could remember - mak has always been - well - not thin; not plum either becoz she's leggy and has the height. Even now - she's taller than me. Kesian ... and beloved arwah abah used to call me 'katek'. Whose fault was that? Actually - can't tell - because abah was tall as well and so is my one and only beloved brother - adik. Then - katek pun no problem - becoz i was sweet and 'small'. Those were the days..
I called mak semalam - asked her - first - if she think i look older than my age. She answered with a specially controlled and calm tone of "napa yang?". I could read her thots – something to do with hubby. Jeng-jeng-jeng! My answer – “saja tanya, mak dulu pun selalu tanya, kan..?”. I know she’s still with “something-to-do-with-menantu-aku-ni” thot when she said “dak lah”.
My second question – “Mak nampak macam tort ni lebih tua dari S (hubby) dak?”. A soft “awat yang?” came next. Hmm… talk about the level of trust mak has in my hubby... I told the truth - that hubby’s birthday semalam reminded me of my years as well, bla, bla, bla … along the line that man even botak and with the bulges could still look good.. bla, bla, bla. Mak gave me a long answer - surrounding the beauty lies in the eye of the beholder line (in melayu version) – suppose to “pull” me up.
Then I came to my final question “Am I fat?” and she said “Yes”. Gloomy – gloomy – gloomy - still gloomy.
Each time I went through photos of her days in college - always thought she's hot. I would be so far behind if she's born during my days - or if i'm born during hers. Again - thank God. I am envious - yet proud :)
Apart from those photos in college, as far as i could remember - mak has always been - well - not thin; not plum either becoz she's leggy and has the height. Even now - she's taller than me. Kesian ... and beloved arwah abah used to call me 'katek'. Whose fault was that? Actually - can't tell - because abah was tall as well and so is my one and only beloved brother - adik. Then - katek pun no problem - becoz i was sweet and 'small'. Those were the days..
I called mak semalam - asked her - first - if she think i look older than my age. She answered with a specially controlled and calm tone of "napa yang?". I could read her thots – something to do with hubby. Jeng-jeng-jeng! My answer – “saja tanya, mak dulu pun selalu tanya, kan..?”. I know she’s still with “something-to-do-with-menantu-aku-ni” thot when she said “dak lah”.
My second question – “Mak nampak macam tort ni lebih tua dari S (hubby) dak?”. A soft “awat yang?” came next. Hmm… talk about the level of trust mak has in my hubby... I told the truth - that hubby’s birthday semalam reminded me of my years as well, bla, bla, bla … along the line that man even botak and with the bulges could still look good.. bla, bla, bla. Mak gave me a long answer - surrounding the beauty lies in the eye of the beholder line (in melayu version) – suppose to “pull” me up.
Then I came to my final question “Am I fat?” and she said “Yes”. Gloomy – gloomy – gloomy - still gloomy.
Friday, April 29, 2005
gloomy
gloomy - but i can hear the birds twitting. The sun is shining fine. Why is it then that i'm feeling gloomy.
Yesterday was hubby's b'day... With 4 months age difference - i somehow found myself calculating - and recalculating. Wonder if others go thru this - checking and rechecking the number of years we survive life. Hubby and I - we've aged this far...? we've been together this long..? "Where are we heading?" the question popped.
He's balding alright - he started after our 2nd year of marriage. Nope - it's hereditary - my father in law is bald as well. So - it's not completely my doing! In the beginning he kept checking on his balding progress. He was a little disturbed and depressed then. I symphatised - and played my part - convinced him that the hair does not matter. Take Sean Connery, Bruce Willis :) but never copy attempts by Sami Vellu or Sheikh Kadir! Thee hee! Yet i must say - hubby's looking good everyday.
With man it does not matter if you are bald or if you've got the extra bulge. But the same extra bulge on woman plus the accumulated years often make days gloomy..gloomy..
Yesterday was hubby's b'day... With 4 months age difference - i somehow found myself calculating - and recalculating. Wonder if others go thru this - checking and rechecking the number of years we survive life. Hubby and I - we've aged this far...? we've been together this long..? "Where are we heading?" the question popped.
He's balding alright - he started after our 2nd year of marriage. Nope - it's hereditary - my father in law is bald as well. So - it's not completely my doing! In the beginning he kept checking on his balding progress. He was a little disturbed and depressed then. I symphatised - and played my part - convinced him that the hair does not matter. Take Sean Connery, Bruce Willis :) but never copy attempts by Sami Vellu or Sheikh Kadir! Thee hee! Yet i must say - hubby's looking good everyday.
With man it does not matter if you are bald or if you've got the extra bulge. But the same extra bulge on woman plus the accumulated years often make days gloomy..gloomy..
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