The balcony

This is my balcony. At night, it becomes my favourite spot - where I often sit by watching the sky - deep in my own thots - menitip perjalanan hari dan muhasabah diri... The beautiful music orchestrated by the wind chime and flowing water from my little fountain - never fail me, so far.

Sesungguhnya kehidupan yang singkat ini cukup indah..

8 Ramadhan 1423

It's early morning on Sunday - 5 Ramadhan 1426. Terdengar suara mak from the other room - membaca ayat suci al-quran. It's mak's daily routine. Turut beri ketenangan for me. Syukur aku padaMu Tuhan dengan masih adanya Mak with me. What would i do without her.

I know mak misses arwah abah. Especially bila Ramadhan tiba. Well - i miss abah too. Banyak 'tak berkesempatan' dengan abah. I wished i had done more....

I went back to Penang almost every other weekend since abah had his second stroke which had left him unable to speak. It had been almost four months, and since, Mak had not left the house at all - seeing to abah's needs. Besides that - there's adik who has been attending to abah - taking him for his theraphy sessions, mandi and cleanedkan abah. He's a good son. Me - i was in KL - busy with life and (kerenah) x.
Anyway - back to abah - everyone thought he was getting better and stronger each day. We expected him to be 'independent' again in no time.

It was a Sunday - 6th Ramadhan. We 'gathered' for adik and q's birthday at buka puasa. Abah could not take any food. But he was there with us at the dining table - in his wheelchair. I pujuk abah supaya makan a little for his strength, but he simply could not swallow the food. I peeled a manggo - he only took a small slice.

Then it was time for me to leave for KL - would be working the next day. Hati berat sangat nak tinggalkan abah. And Abah pun seemed berat sangat nak let me go. He held me close - kissed my hand and lama tenung my face. We both cried. I told him i'd be coming home to be with him the coming weekend again. I planned to sleep by abah's side the next trip home.

But that weekend with abah never came. Monday nite - i received the call - abah tenat. I was racing against time - I wished i could fly and immediately be there next to abah.

Tuhan lebih menyayangi abah. 8th Ramadhan - he left us.

I wished i had done so much more...

Ya Allah - cucuri rahmatMu ke atas roh abah. Masukkan dia bersama golongan anbiya.

Al-Fatihah!

Appreciation

Everyday - i get out from my bed wishing it's a weekend instead - i wanted to sleep longer. I needed to sleep longer. But came sunday morning ~ I found myself awake and eager to get out of the bed ?:/ Hmm.. apparently such longiness only buat road call on weekdays.

Since abah left us 3 years ago, mak would hardly leave the house during Ramadhan. Apatah lagi to 'pegang puasa' (starting of puasa) elsewhere. However this year - she's here with me - she started Ramadhan with me and Q.

Menjelang Ramadhan, adalah jugak i terkenangkan of the Ramadhan last year. Never had i thot that it was my last Ramadhan with X. Had a good appreciation on ketentuan Qada and Qadar - tak siapa yang tahu what's next to come. And silently, for the first time since August 1st 2005, i sensed the scepticism about 'going into the next day'. Somehow - alhamdulillah - i managed to park it elsewhere.

I am not taking it for granted - but it definitely wouldn't be this easy without Mak being around. I am so blessed with her everlasting love. Always accommodating, always giving... Thank you, Mak. Aku bersyukur padaMu Tuhanku.

Dah masuk hari ke 5 Ramadhan. I have hardly masuk ke dapur. Mak covered the bit for me supervising bibik. Everything wud be set on the table when i got home from work :).

The other day at Kg Baru - we passed a stall selling roti jala. Mak agreed with me that the roti nampak terlebih colouring - kuning 'me-ghre-ngau' (very loud yellow). And therefore we gave it a miss. I told mak i'd prepare some for her - err - soon. Today wud be a good day... let me surprise my kitchen.. jeng! jeng! jeng!

Roti jala is the favourite of most of my beloved ones. This include Mak, arwah Abah, arwah Mak Tok (my grandma), my brother and even X. The thing is whenever i served roti jala - they tend to make me feel like i was the saviour for the day - heheheh!. However pun they expressed it - as much as they love roti jala - i love preparing and making roti jala for them.

After so long - my dapur 'berasap' today. And the menu for break fast:
Roti Jala & Curry Ayam - Mak's favourite
Pengat / Serawa Pisang & Nangka - Q's request.
Mixed vege - for moi!

Bubur Lambok @ Kg. Baru

Sogo was on Sale - the crowd need no special mention. Cari parking susah macam nak rak. But Mak wanted to buy bedsheets. It gives her so much pleasure to shop for her beddings - it's almost about all she goes for of late. So ku gagahi jua.

After some 4 hours - mak ended up with 5 new bedding sets (each complete dengan duvet - so appreciate the bulkiness, pls) this time. While I pushed mak on her wheelchair, Q & Bibik struggled with the duvets plus the other stuff that i bought - pushing them thru the growing crowd. Ponek but i was happy to see mak smiling away.

Was coming out from Sogo when Mak said - "Yang, Kg Baru jauh dak?". I thot - O boy - dia buat dah... "No, napa Mak?". Mak eagerly reponded "Mak teghingin nak makan buburk lambuk. Jom kita pi cari sat". A very simple request indeed. But the truth is - since i moved to KL in 1997 - ada la kot 5-6 kali i intentionally got to Kg Baru. Twice was with x for mee rebus at one of the stalls, twice with colleague for lunch at one of the tomyam restaurant. The others - i can't recall. Apart from the fact that i used to have a 'driver' to take me places... and therefore the ol dependency somehow prolong and restrict my 'movements'; in my capacity - i don't have much reasons to go to Kg Baru. Why need i go there for? What need i find there? Well - there u go torts - buburk lambuk for mak...

I have no idea whereabout is the masjid that gives away the famous bubur. Then again Kg Baru is no kota metropolitan - i could not possibly get lost there, right? pi kut tu - mai kut ni - kat situu la jugak. My approach then was to hentam je ikut where most cars were heading - that with a mixture of a l'ttle gut feeling and tawakkal. After all - i got mak by my side.
We ended up with a jalan with ramadhan-stalls along each side. It was around 3pm - not all stalls were operating. We spotted one with 'di sini ada jual bubur lambuk'. Q and Bibik got down to make the purchase only to be told that 'hari ni tak jual, dik'. Alahai... kesian mak.

A few stalls ke depan ada jual satay ikan. We stopped for the satay ikan. The abang jual satay ikan responded to our query "pegi ambik je kat masjid tu. tak payah beli - depa bagi percuma, acik. Ramai orang pegi ambik".
"aa.. masjid kat mana bang?" i asked. Mak sempat mencelah "makcik mai dari pulau pinang. dah lama sangat teringin nak ghasa buburk lambuk kg baru ni... Selalu dok tengok dalam tv saja..".

While pointing to the direction of the masjid, the abang jual satay ikan grabbed a bungkusan of a red plastic bag containing A PACK OF BUBUR LAMBUK - and handed to my mom. What a relief. "Makcik ambiklah ni.. saya ambik kat masjid tadi".
Mak touched tapi rasa serba salah pulak : "anak punya?".
Abang : "tak apa makcik - saya kat sini dah selalu makan bubur lambuk".

We thanked the kind-hearted abang jual satay ikan. May God bless him.
As we left - Q triggered "kat mana masjid tu mom?". To cut the story short - we ended with Q and Bibik queuing up - not so much for the bubur lambuk (we got a packet from the kind-hearted abang satay ikan ;)) - but more so - just to experience what the others had all these years :)



Q q-ing up.






Q still q-ing up









THE Masjid Kg Baru

Beloved mak - waiting.

w h a t g o e s u p w i l l c o m e d o w n . . .

Dugaan comes in many forms - some thru happiness while others thru trying period. Whatever is the package - it serves as means to test our faith. With faith - we should strive to seek His blessings. It's all in a cycle.

Therefore too - what goes up will come down.

I believe in the subject. It applies to everybody. You or me, the neighbour or the boss or the coursemate or the coleague or the X (heheheh!) especially - no escape clause.

Note to myself:
a) You do good as called for
b) You don't get to pick and choose onto whom you'd prefer to do good or do 'lesser'
c) If you get away with b) - it could just be another form of dugaan.

Would it not hurt when someone else do 'lesser' onto your love ones... or worse still - your love ones suffer for your do 'lesser'?

So - do good! What goes up will come down.

Quote-unquote from the meetings

* anticipate
* this is the time the boys are separated from the men
* .. his father-in-law has passed away. It wud be nice if it's the mother-in-law instead
* que serra, serra
* @%#&!
* hang on there
* get real
* bullshit
* let's not drag this..
* selective memory
* selective listening
* let's move on

Senyap Bermakna

Hanya hati sendiri
yang setia
menjadi teman
mendengar bisikan
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

tanpa curiga
akan niat bisikan cerita
dan airmata

tanpa tergugat keikhlasan
pada sekeping hati kecewa

yang ku harapkan
hanya teman
mendengar bisikan cerita
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

yang ketemui
kelainan pada keikhlasan
kata dan senyuman
lontaran kejauhan
dan senyap bermakna

.

a gift

my rainbow

muhammad qayyum, muhammad aiman & nur fatihah

s o l i t u d e

Sorry

You said you are sorry to have to do this to me
I reminded you that life is about choices
and that i have no regrets whatsoever
and that i only want you to settle your due obligations..
and walk out like a man.

Nukilan dated 6 July 2005

Kau kata di permulaan
Kau malukut di tepi gantang cuma
Dan aku bertekad merentasi perjalanan
Demi cinta kita
Berpaut secebis potensi yang ku pasti kau miliki

Rupanya sukar perjalanan ini
Jatuh, bangun,
Tersungkur dan jatuh lagi
Tetap digagahi

Dengan hijrah sinar baru menerjah
Sayangnya kau cepat alpa
Kau akur dengan godaan menara
Sedangkan aku masih termengah
Dengan jatuh bangun perjalanan semalam

Terkapa..
Terkapa..
Pautan ku rapuh rupanya
Hati dan cinta berkecai
Ku kaut, ku cantum tinggalan
Tak lagi sama
Tampak nyata serpihan di sini sana

Aduhai...
Ke manakah hala tuju?

Seusia ku diulit cengkaman
Di persimpangan dan jurang
Yang tak pernah terduga
Sanggup kau bawa

Berpatah bagai meminggir maruah
Berterus bagai menggadai kepercayaan diri

Ntah apalah asasnya
Kita teruskan jua
Mungkinkah kerana kita manusia
Terkadang tersadung langkahnya

Sampai kini
Perjalanan harian dengan tawa dan resah
Sering diterjah mimpi ngeri semalam
Keindahan bagai persinggahan
Antara mimpi-mimpi yang melelahkan emosi
Mengikis dasar cinta dan kasih

Apakah masih kita rasa?

Penantianku kini berharian
Bilakah waktunya?
Apakah kan tiba?
Giliran aku dibelai manja
Tanpa perlu meresah setiap perjalanan kehidupan.

Life Saga

Pre-X
so much love
so much hope
so much pain
so much prayers
so much strength
so many falls
so many crawls
so many fears
so many tears
so many sacrifices
so many hurdles
so many circles

X
so betrayed

Post-X
let go
let God
..
get real - move-on.

0301

Was driving to work when the phone rang. 0301 - familiar but who? malas nak fikir. Picked up anyway - couldn't hear any respond from the other end. Hang up. Then it rang again.

Heard salam from a voice - so close to my heart - a few beats skipped. OmiGod. How could i not remember the 0301? Call from Mekkah - my adopted son Fery!

Lost for words - but it's really good that someone out there - close to the house of Allah is thinking of you. Fery is 19 - he left Indonesia last year to follow his pamans footsteps to study in Masjidil Haram. Met him while performing umrah and he helped me a lot while i was there. Oh! sweet memories with him & beloved mak & Q and Kaabah.

"Sama-sama kita doakan ya, ummy - semoga Tuhan maqbulkan hasrat kita". His "asalkan ummy sihat, tenang dan bertawakkal, serta tak lupakan Allah" is so POWERFUL.

God works mysteriously.

It's a pleasant surprise from him, and from God. Thank you.

little cactus

A friend gave this cactus sometimes back in May this year. It was so little and fragile then. I fear I wud break its splits (branch is not it, right?) everytime i drip water onto it.

I'm not blessed with green fingers - normally plants i touch would surely go pe-ot. I thot this tiny little green plant would not last longer than my last umrah trip. Notice today that it's grown so much. Hmm.. this little cactus has survived this far.. getting better each day - self-sustaining - self-rectifying.

If i am a plant - i want to be this little cactus on my office desk.

My Sunshine

Woke up a little late - reached Q's school gate at 0730 hours. Very guilty - Q hates it when his name is taken as a late comer. Bad Mom! Ok - i'll have to change my schedule.

Q however - apart from the normal exchange of kiss-on-the-cheek before getting off the car, leaned against me and said 'take care, mom.'. This is nothing new - but i am especially so touched with his gesture today. I needed it..

Q, I love you so much - my sunshine.

UP or DOWN

Can't decide if i should take down these paintings which are still up on my bedroom wall. These were my anniversary "commemoration"... eewe - then very the sementol!

The reason they are still up is purely becoz - i like my art work.

I wud hate it if anyone were to think that i'm keeping them up for some sentimental values. Puhleasse! Gone, kaput, elek-pocik. I'm out of there for good!

So - up or down?

RINDU

Semalam
Bayangan cintaku menerjah
Terlalu nyata
Seolah terpacul diri di sana
Terasa ketenangan,
Terharu dengan limpahan kasih
Kagum dengan kebesaran
Pasrah dan akur dengan khada

Rindu ku ketepikan
Mempadu tumpuan dan langkah
Tegar dengan duri di persimpangan

Sekian waktu
Ku ketepikan rindu
Maksyuk dengan perjalanan status diri

Aduhai – terpanah rinduku kini
Bagai kilat menyambar
Terbakar dengan nyala membuak
semarak api cinta kasih

Air mata laju mengalir
sederas lonjakan rindu
terhinjut diri
Menahan sebak di dada

Sekian waktu
Ku ketepikan rindu
Maksyuk dengan perjalanan status diri

Hampir terleka aku
Alahai…
Jauh terasingnya rasa

Kembalikan ketenanganku, ya Allah
Kembalikan aku ke rumahMu

Baitullah – aku rindu.

Men

One day in a pre-mob meeting attended by about a dozen of our operation guys including the mat salleh coo and the pm from miri, our dearest ops-d called upon one of the newly joined secretary (she's pretty sexy - being an ex-stewardess) to make some amendments on the plans as penned on the whiteboard. They were standing infront of us all - she - apparently a little awkward and conscious that perhaps 12 pairs of eyes were on her (perhaps ~ while most of us in the room were either discussing stuff or simply minding own business waiting for the meeting to start), listened attentively to his instructions and then left.

Once she's gone, dearest ops-d announced "o by the way - she's married" paused and added "with 3 kids". His voice and face filled with amazement. I was sitting among the guys and could not help but to "eeww" silently. I looked around to see any questioning face that could have triggered the info. None. Then I heard - "Didn't hear anyone asking. Were you telling urself?". Roared..

We sure had a warm pre-mob meeting startup.

Tu ler - some men.

sandiwara

hati kacau
dengan penangan
perancangan manusia
yang cetek ilmu dan iman
lalu melambakkan peninggalan
yang telah dipertanggungjawabkan
dengan pemakaian topi
seorang suami

hati kacau
kerana tak menyangka
secetek itu ilmu dan iman
yang mengikis sifat malu manusia
menitip perlakuan yang terbenak dari hati haiwan

manusia
kau sangka kau bijak dan menang
dalam sandiwara dan tipu helah dunia
tapi dunia fana...
sampai bila kan kau ketawa dengan sandiwara?