valid?

kenapa dibiar diri melukai hati
dah nyata
tak dipinta pergi
tak dipinta menanti

pilihanmu sendiri yang membawa
ribut dan kacaunya hati

sekadar bisikan terledak rasa
kuatnya kasih
dalamnya cinta
sekadar bisikan…
apakah valid untuk disandarkan?
apakah tak tersia untuk dititip?
kenangan semalam pun menjadi bayangan
yang kian pudar

tangisan mengiring indahnya semalam
pedih terasa hati
menitip semalam di alam nyata
tapi semalam itu
dah terlalu lama berlalu
semalam itu kini menjadi zon
yang menghidupkan kepedihan
pedih sepedihnya

kenapa masih dilewati semalam
kenapa dibiarkan diri melukai hati?

validkah ledakan rasa ini?

KepadaMu Kekasih

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku berserah
Kerana ku tahu Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Apa yang tersirat di hati
Bersama amali

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku kembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku ke sisi
Tanpa harga diri

Hanya padaMu Kekasih
Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ku temukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah Kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku
Dalam keadaan begini

- Jamal Abdillah, Hattan & M.Nasir

29 Shaaban 1427 - 22 September 2006

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

let go

enough
is enough
let go
xxx
make doa
let God

Umrah II (22/09/06 / 29 Shaaban 1427)

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

di persinggahan

Tersasar dalam perjalanan
Tak menyangka
Terlajak di persinggahan
Melewati subuh

Nyaman
Syahdu
Terasa nak berlama
Menikmati tenangnya kedamaian subuh
Di persinggahan ini

Tenangnya sehingga aku terlena
Sempat bermimpi indah

Mentari pagi
Terang mengabur mimpi
Terjaga

Perjalanan kuteruskan

Ya Allah !
Hanya kasihMu yang kuperlukan…
Temani perjalananku

SENJA

Indahnya senja
melepaskan episod sehari
terasa percikan bahagia...
tatkala mengertikan linangan airmata.

tertanya..
apakah mesejMu Tuhan?

Wishful

Ya Allah,
Grant me a peace of mind.

Amiin.

e p i s o d

-I-
siang malam
resah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah tapi tegar
gugup berseli yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-II-
ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
terlalu lamanya
hampir terlerai genggaman berharap
hampir goyah shahdu doa

kala ku lepas genggaman
kau kirim sekadar bisikan
tapi kuatnya kasih
bisikan meledak rasa
dan aku pun
kembali menggenggam harap
kembali berdoa shahdu

dan ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
lagi..

-III-
sebak
tak pernah terduga

kau ingin jadi aku sebahagian dari mu
kau ingin jadi sebahagian dari ku

seikhlasnya
semulianya
seindahnya

tapi hatimu
bukan milik mu sorang

manakan mampu
aku capai bahagia
bila hati mereka terluka...

biarlah
siang malam
meresah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-IV-
Engkau maha mendengar
Engkau menduga dan menguji kesabaran hambaMu

payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

yang dinanti menyepi
yang bersuara tak mungkin kesampaian

terdetik
masih ada kasih..

sabar demi waktu
Engkau maha mengetahui..

G O D S E N D

"Guidance of the Day:
Making it Happen: Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen. Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn't work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You will get much better results. It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either. Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we are waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us. [The Language of Letting Go]

Food for Thought:
Watch, wait. Time will unfold and reveal its purpose. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. "


Thank you, God.

H O M E

I am in the midst of my journey

Ya Allah
Bless me with Your guidance
for me to be
and remain
on the right path

I am indeed on my way
and only wish to arrive home
peacefully
beautifully
to face You.

Amin.

The Rose

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love it is a hunger
An endless, aching need
I say love it is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

And the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes a rose.

Die a little

Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little,
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little,
Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

By Cole Porter

God IS in the know
He allows him to go ...
and each time, i die a little

Pujuk

Redhalah..

setiap kekosongan
setiap kesakitan
setiap kepedihan
setiap titisan airmata

Semoga terampun dosa.




Subhanaka laa'ilmalanaa
illaamaa 'allam tanaa
innaka antal 'aleemulhakeem

thinking

wakey-wakey

are you still there,
or have you stepped out
and walked away?
how far have you gone?
while i remain
with my day dreaming
at the very spot
waiting..
how much longer would it be
before i get the wakeup call?

a thot

everything is so not right.
everything is getting into me.

and these guys in the meeting (except for those bald ones) why can't they trim their hair and moustache neatly!

l o s s

Have you ever woke up
in the midst of the night
feeling the pang of hollow
and emptiness
in your chest

as though something
is snatched out of you

you hear your heart crying
and you feel your soul yearning
and reaching out for something
so out of touch
it's simply something beyond..

This pain
is getting all too familiar
it comes with the loss of life precious

i first felt it when my grandma passed away
i felt it again when my dad left us
i felt it when my 11 years of marriage plunges

And this pain
it's revisiting
it's coming once too often
it's hurting so bad
it's really so bad

Yes - faith and patience
space, devine decree
and destiny

this is part of it
and it's simply something beyond me

Ya Allah,
If this is Your punishment to the sins i've committed, please forgive me
If this is a test to my faith, please increase my level of iman
If this is a test to my love, please give me strengths to endure this pain

Ya Allah,
I know you've heard me
And only You know what's best
I need your guidance..
Ya Rahman
Ya Rahim
Ya Rabbul'alamin.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day today and I miss Abah.

I wished I have told him often enough that I love him.
I wished I had been there for him often more - for him to know that he means so much to me.

Ya Allah, bless the soul of my beloved Abah.

Al Fatihah.

d e s t i n y

Apart from those at work, and a handful of friends from varsity days and colleague from my previous postings whose friendship with i maintain via email, i do not get to see many friends and I am okay with it.

Last week however, I attended an alumni gathering. There were mainly my seniors and a few of those of my badge. Some of whom i have not met at all since they were in different varsity, and some of those from the same school, i have not met for the last 17 years! It's interesting to witness how each one (that i knew) has practically moved with age. Alhamdulillah, despite the diversity in achievements, lifestyle and what each one is pursuing, you could still sense the bond which is somewhat still there. Then again, perhaps being in the yahoo-alumni group could have done the bit.

In another occasion, due to a required arrangement for my son, I met AM, who is in her early 40s. It has been a while since we last met and chatted. Initially I was very excited to learn that she's started her own advertising/event manager and the related company, while also co-managing a legal firm with her new partner. It's obvious that AM has put lots of investing, time and money wise for her new venture. AM related that her kids are beginning to complain seeing less and less of her and she admitted feeling guilty about her son's declining results at school.
Then she went on some other ventures she's helping friends with - including some big funding for a deep-sea fishing stuff - and the topics related got even 'heavier'. Despite it all - she sounded all so excited and elated, asking me if i'd like to join her for some karaoke sessions they'd normally have after work. It was 2130 hours and AM had to rush back to the office for some work matters, quote-unquote.
While i listened to her talking, my head wondered off identifying the differences of passion in different individual life.

Later when i was on my own - I began pondering - "where's my drive?", "what really is my passion?". Could one claim his/her passion better than the other? Then perhaps with satan's whisper "have i actually lost my grip?"

I am not exactly happy with what i am doing at work. Actually work sucks - people take you for granted - expecting the world from you while they pay you peanuts. But i've been doing what i am doing for the past 4 years. I know my strength in the area and coupled with one thousand and one other reasons, I choose to MINIMIZE change in my life at this point of time, with God's willing i.e.

It's pathetic to go back and relate to being divorced less than a year ago, and it's not right to blame the failure of my marriage for where I am now. What's important is that I choose to stay where I am - making the most of that little peanut that I am getting at the end of every month, to pay for the house, the car etc., etc. and survive.

Q1. Why was it that I was sincere when I told AM that I envy her?
A1. Simply because at one point of time, with the drive and passion I had then, I used to dream of becoming my own boss as well.

Q2. Do I want to be in her shoes?
A2. No - i'm inclined for other passions now.

Q3. Why the uncomfortable feeling and worse - the thought that if i had the choice, i'd rather not spend time her?
A3. ... bird of the same feather flocks together. i am just not in her league and i won't pretend to be.

Q4. Am I a bird?
A4. No. very much a human.

It was nothing detrimental, but it's not a simple matter either. To put it shortly, I am glad I had the opportunity to identify the differences and more importantly so, that I am feeling settled with my choices.

Alhamdulillah. I thank God I have come to this stage of consciousness.

Next i have this question. With the differences in passion for life with each individual, what's the chances that one is likely to bump into someone who almost has all the similarities and passions? If it is possible, could it be that the someone appears to have scored so well with you because you psycho yourself into it? What about infatuation? What's with disillusion?

I am still searching for the answer. I'd very much like to think that yes - it's likely for one to meet someone with almost all the similarities. It's something on destiny - by God's devine decree.

It's a long journey in life. Only He knows what awaits us next.