p a i n

this pain
is hurting
with each breath i take

each tear drop
spells
clearly
where this pain comes from
hence my regrets

i am learning
from this pain
which i am getting
to know well

this pain
which is hurting
wish i could rid
but isn't pain
meant
to clean one's sins

i hope i'll remember
this pain well
this pain
from which i should be learning

i ask you O God
to forgive me
and i ask you O God
to mercy me
i ask you O God
to grant me sustenance
to endure
this pain

equation

almost every thing is intangible
as the tangibles equate to sinning.

c o n t r o l

i t's u n f a i r t o l e t y o u r l i f e b e s u b j e c t e d t o t h e a c t i o n s o f a n o t h e r.
desperately need to be in control
of my life
again
need to prioritise
the significance
o God - please make it easy.

K e j a u h a n

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

kejauhan

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

28th May 2006

I got it registered!
O God grant my wishes.
Engkau maha mengetahui..

Amin.

Du'a

O Allah, by Your knowledge of the unseen and Your power over creation, keep me alive so long as You know as such life to be good for me and
take me if You know death be better for me.

O Allah, make me fearful of You whether in secret, or in public and I ask You to make me true in speech, in times of pleasure and anger.
I ask You to make me moderate in times of wealth and poverty and I ask You for everlasting bliss and joy which will never cease.
I ask You to make me pleased with what You have decreed and for an easy life after death.
I ask You for the sweetness of looking upon Your Face and a longing to encounter You in a manner which does not entail a calamity which will bring about harm nor a trial which will cause deviation.

O Allah, beautify us with the adornment of faith and make us of those who guide and are rightly guided.
O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in this life and the next.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in my religious and worldly affairs, and my family and my wealth.
O Allah, veil my weaknesses and set at ease my dismay.
O Allah, preserve me from the front and from behind and on my right and on my left and from above, and I take refuge with You lest I be swallowed up by the earth.

A'ameen ya Rabb Al-Aa'lameen
I bear witness that None has the right to be worshipped except Allah and I bear witness that Muhammad is His Slave and Messenger

The above Du'as have been taken from the book:
Hisn-u-Muslim {Fortification of the Muslim through rememberance and supplication from the Qur'aan and the Sunnah}
By: Sa'eed Ibn 'Ali Ibn Wahf Al-Qahtaani
Dar Al-Khair Publications, Jeddah KSA

IMAGINE

I am thankful for this reminder - a beautiful piece that i received today in my email. Sharing it in the blog - meant for my own keepsake.

I M A G I N E

Imagine yourself after you pass away
Imagine your grave through night and through day
Wishing that you did not do as they say
Wishing that you had got up and had prayed.

Imagine, my friends, the day that you died
Imagine all of the tears that they cried
Remember how it felt when your body was tied
Remember how it felt in the grave which you lied.

Imagine the day you'll be called to account
Imagine the sum to which your life will amount
Think for a moment of the deeds which you mount
Think for a moment how much they will count.

What will they say of you when you are dead?
What will they say, what will be said?
Will they speak of all the poor who you fed?
Will they remember all the Qu'ran that you read?

Think not of them, but of Allah, Lord of mankind and jinn
Think of Allah when tempted to sin
Think of the paradise which you will dwell in
Don't wait till later to think what might have been.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad sall-allahu 'aliahi wa'sallam has said that whilst you are praying, imagine that all the prophets are on your right side, all the angels on your left, heaven in front of you, hell below you, the angel of death at your back and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala watching over you.

Imagine how revered a prophet is, that an entire chapter of the Holy Qu'ran may be dedicated to him, imagine their position in heaven right now.

Imagine 124,000 of them (prophets) all lined up on your right side whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the sacredness of an angel. Every human being has been allocated two of them for accounting of his deeds. Every cloud moves because Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has ordered an angel to that function. ("But verily over you are appointed angels to protect you - kind and honourable, writing down your deeds: They know and understand what you do. As for the Righteous, they will be in Bliss; And the Wicked, they will be in the Fire") Surah Al Infitar 82:10-14

Imagine the light from which each one of them was created, and all of them (much more than 6 billion) assembled on your left side listening to you praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine hell! In a Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that hell will have seven levels with fires which eat each other! And in each level, there are valleys of fire, cities of fire, castles of fire, houses of fire, rooms of fire, wells of fire, serpents of fire, oceans of black poison containing thousands of scorpions of fire, each one in turn having seventy thousand tails of fire. In reality, hellish fire is much hotter than earthly fire, and hell is unimaginably much worse this description.

Imagine Heaven!! In Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that heaven will have eight gates with thousands of gardens, thousands of cities of pearls, thousands of palaces of Ruby, thousands of rooms of gold, thousands of tables and of plates of jewels, thousands of kinds of food, thousands of thrones of red gold around each of which thousands of rivers will flow with life water and pure honey. On top of each palace, there will be thousands of gifts from the Merciful, which have not been seen by any eye, heard by any ear and are beyond our imagination.

It has been said that inspite of all this pleasure, if the residents of heaven were shown the punishment of someone who did wrong for just one hour on earth, they would scream out with fear. And in spite of all their discomfort, if the residents of hell were shown the reward of someone who did good for only one hour on earth, they would forget they are in hell! Now imagine this hell beneath you and the open doors of heaven in front of you whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the angel of death behind you, the angel that appears as a beautiful person at the deathbed of one who is favoured by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and as fierce creature that pulls the soul out as if it were a cloth being dragged amongst sharp thorns for one who is disfavoured. Imagine this angel just at your back whilst praying. How then can you be distracted if you are not even sure that this might be your last prayer?

And finally imagine the Creator of all that has been mentioned in the previous paragraphs, one Who has created an infinite universe of which earth is only a very tiny insignificant bit, and more insignificant are we who live in it. How then can you be distracted when Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is watching above whilst you are offering prayers to Him?


Surah Al Tawbah

9:112

Those that turn (to Allah)
In repentance; that serve Him,
And praise Him; that wander
In devotion to the Cause of Allah;
That bow down and prostrate themselves
In prayer; that enjoins good
And forbid evil; and observe
The limits set by Allah ~
(These do rejoice). So proclaim
The glad tidings to the Believers

Queen's I want to break free

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied
I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows
God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
In love with a world that's real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows
God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true, hey!
I know I'm different,
there's so much I have to do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free baby
Oh how I have to be free
Oh how I want to break free

This existence is wrong
I can't get used to living without living without
Living without hope
It's all a lie
I don't want to live alone
God knows got to make it on my own
So people can't you see
God knows I've got to break free
God knows I need to
God knows I want to break free

s e n d i r i

tak disuruh
mengangau, mengharap, merajuk

lalu
tanggung sendiri
pedih sendiri
sedih sendiri
tahu sendiri

tak disuruh
melabuh dalam kelemahan
melemas dalam keresahan
tergawang, hilang

pernahkah resah
tunggu suria dan sinarnya
datang dan pergi
membawa malam dan siang?

lalu kenapa harus meresah
tunggu bulan dan sinarnya

tak disuruh
dan bukan salah bulan dan sinarnya
kalau sendiri
yang tergesa menanti

tak disuruh
merajuk sendiri
meratap sendiri
lemah sendiri

tak disuruh
nekadlah jika mahu
rindulah bila perlu

sampai bila?

perlu redha
ketentuan Yang Maha Esa

datang dan pergi sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

My Man

Got home a little later than usual. Q was in the living room, his books scattered on the coffee table. The TV set was off and Q claimed he's just completed his homework. Dinner was also done. Baiknyaaa, terghteib-lendeit anak mom!

I walked pass Q approaching the TV set and touched it. Still very warm. I turned it on - it's cartoon channel 62 - as always. I looked at Q - he grinned "Yeah - i watched tv - for a while." We both smiled knowingly. I gave Q a kiss and that's when my man said "You look pretty". Belum sempat nak register, he corrected "No - i think you look prettier when you are happier". I hesitated, but my 'macho' respond was simply "thank you, i know". Smile. big smile.

Later when i was on the threadmill in the gym, i kept wondering what's in Q's mind when he referred me to being happi-er...

perjalanan

langkah tak menentu

kekadang galak,
berlari anak
senyum terbelai tawa

tapi bila suaramu sepi
langkah lemah
longlainya tak maya

sampai bila?
langkah tak menentu
kekadang mengundur resah
tak pasti
kekadang menerpa
nak berlari

bersilih

tertanya
di manakah aku
dalam perjalananmu

Change

Life is a learning process and partly it's about discovering oneself.
We learn from circumstances and depending on our attitude, we shall decide if we need to change.

Would you change for someone?

I would if he's significant enough. i would if the change would make me a better khalifah.

J

Was triggered to think of the world's perception on me, being another single mother or the less preferred word - janda.

The 'j' word did not bother me much. Perhaps - it's because it came along with the best thing that could happen to my life i.e. being free from lies, hopeless hopes etc. etc - where x - the other portion of my life then, was in concerned. It's a definite blessing from someone up there.

In the beginning, i didn't really subscibe to being a 'j'. Simply because my perception of a 'j' used to be as one who did not have the choice to ending up holding the status - i.e. either through kematian or 'opted out' by choice of the other.

The first pain of reality of being a 'j' happened during my separation. It cut like a knife, somehow, when a close friend, in supporting my move to get rid of my crv for budget adjustment reason, kiddingly put it that my WJJ plate number was no good for me. That hit me - that whether or not i choose to be in the situation - i'm a 'j'.

The other perception i used to have about a 'j' - very much depends on how she carries herself. Many a time when you come to know that so and so is a 'j', there's a "no wonder laa" thot that came to mind. Sadly, a 'j' tends to get stigmatised instead.

I'm already registered that i am a 'j' alright. But i've never really wondered what kind of thot people in my little world has on me. At this very moment, i wonder what sort of "no wonder laa" i've scored.

Does it matter, torts?
...........
Just to check and balance.
Just want to make sure i don't go overboard.
Moderation is good.

Alhamdulillah.

Beauty tips

Found this piece - which means so much.. if only.


For attractive lips
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
And the beauty of a woman, with passing years, only grows!

so soon

so much to give
so soon...

can't slow down

can't ?
or won't ?

it's a bad habit
and habits are hard to break

don't you learn?
don't you ever?

it's about choices

it's a definite heartache
till you learn
to breakaway..

will you learn?
will you ever?

Keep going as life goes on...

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try"

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

"Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power, a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment."

" If you want to have what you have not, you must do what you do not. "

"We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure."

"The secret of happiness is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

"If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it."

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is to you."

"It is not enough to aim; you must hit."

"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going."

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

"Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement."

"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant."

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

"He is able who thinks he is able."

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."

"We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision."

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act."

"Action conquers fear."

"Have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them."

"Look at the abundance all around you as you go about your daily business. You have as much right to this abundance as any other living creature. It's yours for the asking."

"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."

"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be."

"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."


"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react."

beautiful

beautiful is
the sun
the sky
the wind
the rays
the rain
the wind chime
the fish
the breeze
the morning
the star
the music
the desert rose
the butterfly
... life is beautiful.