thots

Monday, March 13, 2006

datang dan pergi sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

sesuka hati

Friday, February 24, 2006

My Man

Got home a little later than usual. Q was in the living room, his books scattered on the coffee table. The TV set was off and Q claimed he's just completed his homework. Dinner was also done. Baiknyaaa, terghteib-lendeit anak mom!

I walked pass Q approaching the TV set and touched it. Still very warm. I turned it on - it's cartoon channel 62 - as always. I looked at Q - he grinned "Yeah - i watched tv - for a while." We both smiled knowingly. I gave Q a kiss and that's when my man said "You look pretty". Belum sempat nak register, he corrected "No - i think you look prettier when you are happier". I hesitated, but my 'macho' respond was simply "thank you, i know". Smile. big smile.

Later when i was on the threadmill in the gym, i kept wondering what's in Q's mind when he referred me to being happi-er...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

perjalanan

langkah tak menentu

kekadang galak,
berlari anak
senyum terbelai tawa

tapi bila suaramu sepi
langkah lemah
longlainya tak maya

sampai bila?
langkah tak menentu
kekadang mengundur resah
tak pasti
kekadang menerpa
nak berlari

bersilih

tertanya
di manakah aku
dalam perjalananmu

Change

Life is a learning process and partly it's about discovering oneself.
We learn from circumstances and depending on our attitude, we shall decide if we need to change.

Would you change for someone?

I would if he's significant enough. i would if the change would make me a better khalifah.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

J

Was triggered to think of the world's perception on me, being another single mother or the less preferred word - janda.

The 'j' word did not bother me much. Perhaps - it's because it came along with the best thing that could happen to my life i.e. being free from lies, hopeless hopes etc. etc - where x - the other portion of my life then, was in concerned. It's a definite blessing from someone up there.

In the beginning, i didn't really subscibe to being a 'j'. Simply because my perception of a 'j' used to be as one who did not have the choice to ending up holding the status - i.e. either through kematian or 'opted out' by choice of the other.

The first pain of reality of being a 'j' happened during my separation. It cut like a knife, somehow, when a close friend, in supporting my move to get rid of my crv for budget adjustment reason, kiddingly put it that my WJJ plate number was no good for me. That hit me - that whether or not i choose to be in the situation - i'm a 'j'.

The other perception i used to have about a 'j' - very much depends on how she carries herself. Many a time when you come to know that so and so is a 'j', there's a "no wonder laa" thot that came to mind. Sadly, a 'j' tends to get stigmatised instead.

I'm already registered that i am a 'j' alright. But i've never really wondered what kind of thot people in my little world has on me. At this very moment, i wonder what sort of "no wonder laa" i've scored.

Does it matter, torts?
...........
Just to check and balance.
Just want to make sure i don't go overboard.
Moderation is good.

Alhamdulillah.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Beauty tips

Found this piece - which means so much.. if only.

For attractive lips
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
And the beauty of a woman, with passing years, only grows!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

so soon

so much to give
so soon...

can't slow down

can't ?
or won't ?

it's a bad habit
and habits are hard to break

don't you learn?
don't you ever?

it's about choices

it's a definite heartache
till you learn
to breakaway..

will you learn?
will you ever?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Keep going as life goes on...

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try"

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

"Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power, a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment."

" If you want to have what you have not, you must do what you do not. "

"We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure."

"The secret of happiness is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

"If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it."

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is to you."

"It is not enough to aim; you must hit."

"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going."

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

"Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement."

"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant."

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

"He is able who thinks he is able."

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."

"We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision."

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act."

"Action conquers fear."

"Have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them."

"Look at the abundance all around you as you go about your daily business. You have as much right to this abundance as any other living creature. It's yours for the asking."

"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."

"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be."

"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."

"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react."

Friday, December 23, 2005

beautiful

beautiful is
the sun
the sky
the wind
the rays
the rain
the wind chime
the fish
the breeze
the morning
the star
the music
the desert rose
the butterfly
... life is beautiful.

desert rose

from white butterfly to desert rose
i sure could fly...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

white butterfly

I've got this little secret about white butterfly.

It was back in 1998 when my marriage first rocked. didn't want to spread fire therefore - stopped myself from turning to my family. blast after blast - i was at a total despair - very loss and had noone to turn to.

That particular day, i drove headlessly - undecided whether i should leave home for good or patch up and stay. my heart was broken and i really didn't know what to do. Kept praying for God to please show me the way and help ease the pain.
I stopped to make one call to X from a phone booth hoping i'd get some cues for my decision. Nope - the call did not help at all - i was still at a loss, unsure of what to do. I had Ya Allah, tolonglah hambaMu - non-stop. Got back in the car, and dalam kemelut hati and fikiran kacau, 'something' was sent to me.

A white butterfly hinggap di lengan kanan. It was there and it stayed there. It could have gotten in the car when i got out / came in for/from the call. But who would expect this little creature to just stay put on my forearm?

Suddenly hati kacau gundah gulana ribut yang melanda - lenyap. I was awed - subhanallah. agungnya kebesaranMu tuhan. He just sent one tiny fragile little creature and it changed everything that felt like my whole world was at a verge of collapsing. I was totally so so awed.

The drive from the phone booth to my apartment took around 10 minutes and through the 10 minutes, the white butterfly simply hang onto arm. I remembered smiling - it's really blissful.

I reached home - got out of the car, got into the lift, walked to my entrance, unlocked my entrance/door and my white butterfly did not nudge a bit. I sat in the living room - looking down at it on my arm - so amazed with kebesaran Tuhan.

Then i went for wudhu'. At cleaning my arm, my little friend simply creeped up my sleeve to my shoulder and stayed. Ayaiyaiyai... imagine my feeling then. And only when i sarungkan telekung - did she leave me.

And that solat, i felt like i was communicating directly to God.. kusyuk.

Of course the butterfly did not give any solution to my problem. I simply see it as a devine intervention from God to help ease the burden i was feeling inside. Alhamdulillah.

Recently, with the saga surrounding me, a white butterfly incident recur. Prior to its special appearance, i was praying to God to show me signs - permudahkan pertemuan ini - if it's right, or otherwise. A white butterfly appeared in my car - flew pass me while i was on my way. Another bliss.. And things have been so smooth so far.

Spooky - but so real.

Ya Allah, Engkaulah yang maha agung lagi maha mengetahui.

Amin.

Monday, December 05, 2005

nokhtah

bersama satu dakapan
dan ciuman di dahi
beserta airmata dan sebak suara
kau lafazkan

sebuah catatan perjalanan
bermula 05 November 1994
bernokhtah 05 December 2005.

alhamdulillah.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

New Live-in Mate

This is such a sweet surprise - i discovered my new live-in mate/mates (well by the balcony that is). Never yet had the chance to exchange hello - but i sure am pleased and looking forward to meet the angkut-angkut family..

Friday, November 25, 2005

what type of x are you

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an exYou prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behindAs they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?