what type of x are you

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an exYou prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behindAs they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

b e r s i l i h

di jalanan hidup
ada hari panas
ada hujan
ada mendung
ada ribut
ada pelangi..
bersilih
hanya Tuhan tahu
apa bakal temani jalanan esok.

terpercik

happiness is a state of mind

sakit rupanya
bila hati
terpercik api
berharap.

warna hidup

pilihan warna hidup

apakah milik kita?

kuselit doa

sesuci melati putih

di setiap panggilan waktu

permudahkanlah...

Speedy delivery

i miss us

travelling up north to see my Q this weekend.

I miss him.

Quiz - ur religious philosophy

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

S M A B

sulh

was at the scheduled majlis sulh and X did not turn up.

the sister who's a doctor in putra jaya hospital called the court - bro under diabetic treatment therefore could not turn up for the session. Crap!! you are just full of shit!

you chose to walk out - tq - so walk out like a man and get out of my life!

what you do with your life in no concern of mine. I have let go and let God.

i only want my closure.

God grant me strengths and patience!

Aduhai...

Aduhai...
bergegar
bagai kilat menyambar
hati luluh bila kutahu
kau tergelincir lagi dalam perjalananmu

ku tenung perjalanan sedekad
menakung
menatang
membendung
mencurah kasih
mengharap
merintih kemarau kehidupan

guruh bergema
kau buang air di takungan
bukan sekali
dan berulang perjalanan
menakung
menatang
rupanya hujan tak jadi

pekat hitam wajah semalam
dek persimpangan berpecah arah
tapi siangku semakin terang
terasa hangat kecintaan
dari yang Hak
melindungi
menyayangi

Tuhan
ku titip doa seikhlas hati
ampunilah dosa kami
berikan petunjuk
berikan kekuatan
berikan cahaya
berikan keimanan
berikan keinsafan

Aduhai...
biar persimpangan berpecah arah
biar perjalanan lain tujuan
Pulang kita tetap pada yang Satu...

Wajah dugaan berupa-rupa
kedukaan - kesukaan
kelahiran - kematian
kesenangan - kesempitan
kenaikan - kejatuhan
pertemuan - perpisahan
perkahwinan - penceraian

Pasrah dan redha
kembalilah kepadaNya.

------------
ya-nya x
051194-010805

10th November 1995

Q turns 10 today and I can't be there with him. Sob! Sob! Sob! :(

He offered to come back to KL with me last Monday. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness but reminded that he'd be bored at home alone. He suggested that we take Aiman along so they could entertain each together. Ooo... that sounded like lots of fun ..... and trouble. A BIG NO flashed in my head.

The record has been that the longest the two could be at peace together is 15 minutes. Then the war starts - either small, big, silent or loud. Aiman is small in size and he's super-duper sensitive. He normally gets his way riding on d size factor, that and his innocent look. But we know most of the time he is not t h a t innocent. Q - big size - generally penyabar, unfortunately not with aiman. When Q strikes - he strikes hard!

It could be a good try from Q - to come back to KL with mom :) but I reminded him that Aiman is soon to start his tajwid class. As for Q - I re-confirmed that he's attending a motivational program soon, too. Schedule clashes and therefore i'd have to leave without him and aiman, tq :)

Q has been calling to check on my coughing - so nice of him :). I feel accommodated already by this young man. Need to instill lots of such related values in preparation for his future.
I have discussed with Q of a few 'things to do' (actually more of my REQUEST from him) during the school hols.
One: to learn ride a bicycle - yes - my 10 year old son could not ride a bike!!! Details soon. Two: to attend the motivational program at a sekolah with "pondok" concept (islamic teachings).

On learning to ride a bicycle - Adik (my brother; Q's father) has bought Q the bicycle for his 8th birthday. It has been rounds of prep talk to get Q to learn ride a bike. Without attempting to hide his reluctance while sweating all over, he made a few small attempts and would just shut down and give up after the 3rd fall... Pujuk, challenge or whatever tactics wouldn't get him to touch the bike again for the session. Tergelempang le basikal tu kat tengah laman. He wouldn't even pick it up.
I have tried all sorts of approach - without success. Q is the type who expects things to go smooth and right from the beginning. It bothers me - because life's not like that. So after 2 years of hoping he'd overcome his fear for 'hickups' - I put it to him very clearly this time that it's not an option - he HAS to make sure that by the time he comes back to KL - he could ride a bike. It's important to me - for his confidence and trust in himself.
Wickedly – I whispered that i'd tell his classmates about the 2 year secret if he fail this time. Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA! Evil huh? Well - it works! Even before i left the other day - he has survived cycling straight - and i mean straight - into anything that comes before him :).
It's such a big deal for me to see this progress - afterall i have waited 2 years. I was really worried. I don't really care about him riding a bike - it's his approach in life i am concerned about. Haahh! such a relief. One down - many more to go. I suppose by this time - he would have picked up some tips on 'cornering' - (from aiman! yeah this boy rides a bike like nobody's biznez) tangan tu keghaeh bebeno! For my recollection i shall include this - on d 2nd day of raya - beloved Q left a few scrathes at the left rear of my new car... aduuus! My reaction: told him "no worries Q - ur duit raya collection this year shall be all mine" ;) Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA!

On attending the motivational program. The sekolah 'pondok' - is organised by Ustaz Mutalib - a penceramah bebas who has been running the pondok in Kubang Semang, Bukit Mertajam. It's really a modern pondok - not those with atap nipah ~ which would have been more 'thrilling' for Q - i'm sure. The first time Q heard of the program - he responded 'Mom, tak dak aircond', 'tidur ramai-ramai busuk', and a couple of other valid and ‘understooded’ excuses. I happily added to his list - no tv, no games, no screaming 'bibiiik, ambik tualaaaa' or 'bibiiik, mana bajuuuu?' - semua sindri mau buat.

The program is actually meant for the existing students of the pondok. It's by our request that Q is enrolled. There shall be 50 of them staying there from Monday to Friday, starting 18th Nov for a month. Don't know about the other kids but i really hope this would give different perspective of life to my beloved son.
Maktok consoled Q (ke herself?) that ‘tak pa laa.. malam-malam bila ummi hantag aiman pi ngaji tajwid, boleh la maktok pi tengok qayyum’. Haa - dia buat daahh – mak aku ni. Macamana la cucu tu tak lomah!

Having said that - gotto admit that x and i had our share as well. Last year, we enrolled Q into a summer camp. It was his first - conducted in Ulu Yam, organised by AJK Masjid Al-Falaq of USJ9. There were about 100 students mainly of year 4 to Year 6. Q was among the 4 participants from Year 3. They were sleeping in tents, about 12 tents altogether including the facilitators'.
Generators were used at nite - and turn off after mid nite. Toilet is some 100 meters aways from the camp site, then on pelita ayam were lit (tahu ke apa ke benda pelita ayam tu? i just gotto know of such thing when i was there). So bebudak yang nak ke toilet at nite kena pakai torchlight (yes toslet) and pergi berteman. Thee hee..
As much as we wanted the exposure for Q, could not bear letting him out of sight just like that. We ended-up volunteering jadi facilitators ~ minus the sleeping in the tent la. We check-in into one of the challet - no aircond - no fan, luckily ada toilet. It was quite an experience making the nite-rounds with only small torchlight. Siap tersuluh babi hutan lagi - no joke! I swear I wouldn't be there if its not for Q..

It has been 2 years now that Q left his parents, siblings and mak to come live with me (and x). i believe it's not easy for him. I never experienced being pregnant - donno if i ever will, but all the same I feel I am very much a mother to Q. He equates an amanah based on my brother and his wife’s love for me. Not to mention - mak's sacrifice to let go of her beloved first cucu away. I am thankful to God to be blessed with all these wonderful people in my life.

Qayyum, Happy 10th birthday. I love you so very much.

Hugs and kisses, Mom

Back Again

Alhamdulillah. I got home safely after 4 hours drive from hometown with bibik - in my new car (kayta raye ;). Bibik's suppose to jaga and keep me awake, therefore mak and adik made her sit kat depan with me. But bibik being bibik - i stopped at a petrol station which is 15 minutes drive away from mak's place - and she's dozed off! The rest of d journey must be mimpi indah balik indon for her…

Balik kampong trip this time was with adik and family driving down from hometown, fetched Q, bibik and moi in KL and drive back from KL to hometown (hmm – inilah yang dikatakan nikmat & hikmah kancah kehidupan :). Full of excitement - were Fatihah, Aiman and Q - so very much in 'balik kampong' mood. Aiman & Fatihah never experienced balik kampong - so this marked their virgin trip. Allahyarham Sudir's balik kampong dibibir - each with different pelat - kecoh. But later - it got quiet and peaceful pasal yang bertiga tu masuk ke alam mimpi jua..
Traffic was smooth as we were among the early birds to balik kampong i.e 2 days before deepavali. Yes – it was a looonng holiday.. Cek ghaya sakan!

A day before raya – adik, Q and I visited kubur arwah beloved abah and mak tok. Did some cleaning work sambil berdoa for all beloved ones.

Di pagi raya – bermaafan and photo session. As early as 0830 hours the doorbell rang dek budak-budak kampong – tersangatlah comel-comelnya. As tho ada standard practice – after the bell rang, Fatihah wud be racing against Aiman to the door - both would be smiling broadly while waiting for the bebudak to jalan from the gate to pintu rumah. Next – exchange of greetings ‘asalamualaikuuumm – waalaikumsalaamm’. Next - supposedly - Fatihah kasi duit raya to the girls and Aiman kasi the boys, but our little heroin main kromo jer.. so ada gak adegan berkuntau between the 2. Anyway - what amazed me was that NONE of the little visitors accepted our offer untuk masuk makan kue ghaya! So much about silatulrahim & bermaaf-maafan or is it - money matters?! Kena review concept next year..

2nd raya – Nek Su’s annual event – kenduri laksa which is so sedap.

3rd raya – 5th November - ada wedding ceremony of a 1st cousin. Both bride and groom are still studying in Cairo. She’s 24 - married to her senior of 7 years – match-making result by another senior friend.
Coincidentally – 11 years ago – I had my wedding. Bad sign ka apa tak tau - I was down with viral fever plus bad coughing – therefore remained ‘inactive’ – heheheh!

4th raya - as body still aching – had to postpone my trip back to KL (which is a blessing because accordingly it was a BIG VERY congested and BAD traffic).

Q stayed back to spend school hols at kampong. Mak wanted to accompany me – but she’s been coughing so bad she lost her voice. I know any trip could worsen her coughing – so I convinced her that I would be fine.
D i d n ’ t t h i n k i t w u d b e t h i s q u i e t t h o …. Hm - Must be the impact from the (nak pantun siket)

hiruk-pikuk beraya sakan,
mengacau dodol di rumah pak long,
lodeh, lontong and sambal sotong jadi hidangan,
berat badan naik balik – mak oi – tolong!

Was back at work today. Office is rather quiet – morning meeting only with 6 attendees. My email account was closed for obvious reason. Coughing getting worse and everyone who called commented on my husky voice.

Despite it all – I am glad I am back again.

The balcony

This is my balcony. At night, it becomes my favourite spot - where I often sit by watching the sky - deep in my own thots - menitip perjalanan hari dan muhasabah diri... The beautiful music orchestrated by the wind chime and flowing water from my little fountain - never fail me, so far.

Sesungguhnya kehidupan yang singkat ini cukup indah..

8 Ramadhan 1423

It's early morning on Sunday - 5 Ramadhan 1426. Terdengar suara mak from the other room - membaca ayat suci al-quran. It's mak's daily routine. Turut beri ketenangan for me. Syukur aku padaMu Tuhan dengan masih adanya Mak with me. What would i do without her.

I know mak misses arwah abah. Especially bila Ramadhan tiba. Well - i miss abah too. Banyak 'tak berkesempatan' dengan abah. I wished i had done more....

I went back to Penang almost every other weekend since abah had his second stroke which had left him unable to speak. It had been almost four months, and since, Mak had not left the house at all - seeing to abah's needs. Besides that - there's adik who has been attending to abah - taking him for his theraphy sessions, mandi and cleanedkan abah. He's a good son. Me - i was in KL - busy with life and (kerenah) x.
Anyway - back to abah - everyone thought he was getting better and stronger each day. We expected him to be 'independent' again in no time.

It was a Sunday - 6th Ramadhan. We 'gathered' for adik and q's birthday at buka puasa. Abah could not take any food. But he was there with us at the dining table - in his wheelchair. I pujuk abah supaya makan a little for his strength, but he simply could not swallow the food. I peeled a manggo - he only took a small slice.

Then it was time for me to leave for KL - would be working the next day. Hati berat sangat nak tinggalkan abah. And Abah pun seemed berat sangat nak let me go. He held me close - kissed my hand and lama tenung my face. We both cried. I told him i'd be coming home to be with him the coming weekend again. I planned to sleep by abah's side the next trip home.

But that weekend with abah never came. Monday nite - i received the call - abah tenat. I was racing against time - I wished i could fly and immediately be there next to abah.

Tuhan lebih menyayangi abah. 8th Ramadhan - he left us.

I wished i had done so much more...

Ya Allah - cucuri rahmatMu ke atas roh abah. Masukkan dia bersama golongan anbiya.

Al-Fatihah!

Appreciation

Everyday - i get out from my bed wishing it's a weekend instead - i wanted to sleep longer. I needed to sleep longer. But came sunday morning ~ I found myself awake and eager to get out of the bed ?:/ Hmm.. apparently such longiness only buat road call on weekdays.

Since abah left us 3 years ago, mak would hardly leave the house during Ramadhan. Apatah lagi to 'pegang puasa' (starting of puasa) elsewhere. However this year - she's here with me - she started Ramadhan with me and Q.

Menjelang Ramadhan, adalah jugak i terkenangkan of the Ramadhan last year. Never had i thot that it was my last Ramadhan with X. Had a good appreciation on ketentuan Qada and Qadar - tak siapa yang tahu what's next to come. And silently, for the first time since August 1st 2005, i sensed the scepticism about 'going into the next day'. Somehow - alhamdulillah - i managed to park it elsewhere.

I am not taking it for granted - but it definitely wouldn't be this easy without Mak being around. I am so blessed with her everlasting love. Always accommodating, always giving... Thank you, Mak. Aku bersyukur padaMu Tuhanku.

Dah masuk hari ke 5 Ramadhan. I have hardly masuk ke dapur. Mak covered the bit for me supervising bibik. Everything wud be set on the table when i got home from work :).

The other day at Kg Baru - we passed a stall selling roti jala. Mak agreed with me that the roti nampak terlebih colouring - kuning 'me-ghre-ngau' (very loud yellow). And therefore we gave it a miss. I told mak i'd prepare some for her - err - soon. Today wud be a good day... let me surprise my kitchen.. jeng! jeng! jeng!

Roti jala is the favourite of most of my beloved ones. This include Mak, arwah Abah, arwah Mak Tok (my grandma), my brother and even X. The thing is whenever i served roti jala - they tend to make me feel like i was the saviour for the day - heheheh!. However pun they expressed it - as much as they love roti jala - i love preparing and making roti jala for them.

After so long - my dapur 'berasap' today. And the menu for break fast:
Roti Jala & Curry Ayam - Mak's favourite
Pengat / Serawa Pisang & Nangka - Q's request.
Mixed vege - for moi!

Bubur Lambok @ Kg. Baru

Sogo was on Sale - the crowd need no special mention. Cari parking susah macam nak rak. But Mak wanted to buy bedsheets. It gives her so much pleasure to shop for her beddings - it's almost about all she goes for of late. So ku gagahi jua.

After some 4 hours - mak ended up with 5 new bedding sets (each complete dengan duvet - so appreciate the bulkiness, pls) this time. While I pushed mak on her wheelchair, Q & Bibik struggled with the duvets plus the other stuff that i bought - pushing them thru the growing crowd. Ponek but i was happy to see mak smiling away.

Was coming out from Sogo when Mak said - "Yang, Kg Baru jauh dak?". I thot - O boy - dia buat dah... "No, napa Mak?". Mak eagerly reponded "Mak teghingin nak makan buburk lambuk. Jom kita pi cari sat". A very simple request indeed. But the truth is - since i moved to KL in 1997 - ada la kot 5-6 kali i intentionally got to Kg Baru. Twice was with x for mee rebus at one of the stalls, twice with colleague for lunch at one of the tomyam restaurant. The others - i can't recall. Apart from the fact that i used to have a 'driver' to take me places... and therefore the ol dependency somehow prolong and restrict my 'movements'; in my capacity - i don't have much reasons to go to Kg Baru. Why need i go there for? What need i find there? Well - there u go torts - buburk lambuk for mak...

I have no idea whereabout is the masjid that gives away the famous bubur. Then again Kg Baru is no kota metropolitan - i could not possibly get lost there, right? pi kut tu - mai kut ni - kat situu la jugak. My approach then was to hentam je ikut where most cars were heading - that with a mixture of a l'ttle gut feeling and tawakkal. After all - i got mak by my side.
We ended up with a jalan with ramadhan-stalls along each side. It was around 3pm - not all stalls were operating. We spotted one with 'di sini ada jual bubur lambuk'. Q and Bibik got down to make the purchase only to be told that 'hari ni tak jual, dik'. Alahai... kesian mak.

A few stalls ke depan ada jual satay ikan. We stopped for the satay ikan. The abang jual satay ikan responded to our query "pegi ambik je kat masjid tu. tak payah beli - depa bagi percuma, acik. Ramai orang pegi ambik".
"aa.. masjid kat mana bang?" i asked. Mak sempat mencelah "makcik mai dari pulau pinang. dah lama sangat teringin nak ghasa buburk lambuk kg baru ni... Selalu dok tengok dalam tv saja..".

While pointing to the direction of the masjid, the abang jual satay ikan grabbed a bungkusan of a red plastic bag containing A PACK OF BUBUR LAMBUK - and handed to my mom. What a relief. "Makcik ambiklah ni.. saya ambik kat masjid tadi".
Mak touched tapi rasa serba salah pulak : "anak punya?".
Abang : "tak apa makcik - saya kat sini dah selalu makan bubur lambuk".

We thanked the kind-hearted abang jual satay ikan. May God bless him.
As we left - Q triggered "kat mana masjid tu mom?". To cut the story short - we ended with Q and Bibik queuing up - not so much for the bubur lambuk (we got a packet from the kind-hearted abang satay ikan ;)) - but more so - just to experience what the others had all these years :)



Q q-ing up.






Q still q-ing up









THE Masjid Kg Baru

Beloved mak - waiting.

w h a t g o e s u p w i l l c o m e d o w n . . .

Dugaan comes in many forms - some thru happiness while others thru trying period. Whatever is the package - it serves as means to test our faith. With faith - we should strive to seek His blessings. It's all in a cycle.

Therefore too - what goes up will come down.

I believe in the subject. It applies to everybody. You or me, the neighbour or the boss or the coursemate or the coleague or the X (heheheh!) especially - no escape clause.

Note to myself:
a) You do good as called for
b) You don't get to pick and choose onto whom you'd prefer to do good or do 'lesser'
c) If you get away with b) - it could just be another form of dugaan.

Would it not hurt when someone else do 'lesser' onto your love ones... or worse still - your love ones suffer for your do 'lesser'?

So - do good! What goes up will come down.

Quote-unquote from the meetings

* anticipate
* this is the time the boys are separated from the men
* .. his father-in-law has passed away. It wud be nice if it's the mother-in-law instead
* que serra, serra
* @%#&!
* hang on there
* get real
* bullshit
* let's not drag this..
* selective memory
* selective listening
* let's move on

Senyap Bermakna

Hanya hati sendiri
yang setia
menjadi teman
mendengar bisikan
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

tanpa curiga
akan niat bisikan cerita
dan airmata

tanpa tergugat keikhlasan
pada sekeping hati kecewa

yang ku harapkan
hanya teman
mendengar bisikan cerita
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

yang ketemui
kelainan pada keikhlasan
kata dan senyuman
lontaran kejauhan
dan senyap bermakna

.

a gift