the state of being

to

1) zerorize expectation
2) no one-some
3) pray harder

25 years leap

Each one has their own interesting stories.
I'd like to phrase them as fillers of the leap. It cud be by choice that the fillers are reflective on the individual's face.

And the face reflects the state of mind while a picture paints a thousand words.

One could be alone yet happy with it, the other may have everyone by herside - but still searching.

I just hope i'm real..

difference

there's a world of difference between 'wanting to' and 'obligated to'.

clothes in the closet

feeling like some ...

my kerongsang thor

and the sun shines...

Family @ Eid 2008

Mak and her siblings

Plus the children

Almarhum Abah's clan

Qayyum and ex-classmates

Makan ...

My cousin's merisik @ mak's

Makan @ merisik










Hence the up 3kg!!!

Semoga Ramadhan datang lagi for me..

feeling sad as my cycle parked-in today.
sad tapi tetap bersyukur i managed the last 24 days with taraweeh, and the last 3 nites with qiyam.

ya Allah - tubna ilallah, warojarkna ilallah...
terimalah ibadah hambamu.

i amused myself at www.yearbookyourself.com

1960


1968


1976


1994

the next

1. The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it.

2. Good health doesn't guarantee anything, the wisest thing to do is to live everyday as though it will be our last.

3. There is always a dignity that proceeds from the life well-lived by preparing for the next world, and from the acceptance of one's own death.

4. Death makes more precious each hour of those we have been given, it demands that life must be useful and rewarding.

5. It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that preceded them.

6. Unique circumstances of death will be granted to someone with a unique personality.

7. The race of men is like the race of leaves. As one generation flourishes, another decays.

8. Death is easiest for those who during their lives have given it most thought, as though always to be prepared for its imminence.

9. It is possible to die resigned and reconciled, patiently and tranquilly, having experienced life more fully because of the constant awareness that life may soon come to an end.

10. The utility of living consists not in the length of days, but in the use of time, a man may have lived long, and yet lived but little.

from Mak @ my four zero

pillow talks

Dangerous - kalau hati tiada iman...

Always and Forever

Happy birthday to my always, from your forever...
May Allah grant you all your wishes and doa.

sepatu baru

seolah di perhentian
menanti
setiap langkah
berhenti
langkah
henti lagi

menanti
menoleh
kiri dan kanan
kiri ke kanan?

lelah
tak bersudah
datang dan pergi
datang ke pergi?

redhalah
perhentian ini
adalah dunia mu
nokhtah sebuah perjalanan dulu
permulaan jalan baru

menapaklah
dengan sepatu baru
setiap langkah kau sendiri

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

Ya Allah, thank you for blessing me with yet another Ramadhan.
Beri aku kemudahan untuk mengecap sebolehnya kelazatan Ramadhan Mu.

Hopeful this is not the last...

eggs in a basket

sepatu baru

seolah di perhentian
menanti
setiap langkah
berhenti
langkah
henti lagi

menanti
menoleh
kiri dan kanan
kiri ke kanan?

lelah
tak bersudah
datang dan pergi
datang ke pergi?

redhalah
perhentian ini
adalah dunia mu
nokhtah sebuah perjalanan dulu
permulaan jalan baru

menapaklah
dengan sepatu baru
setiap langkah kau sendiri

THE RING

was cleaning up the place yesterday evening after sundries shopping. awa's nagging that the place is full of nicknacks and clutter is getting into me. planning to rid most of the things which are of mainly of the past. hmmm - perhaps sell 'em on ebay - plan next week.

was almost done sorting things out & cleaned the place when i noticed i missed my ring. frantic! i looked for the normal places where i use to park it - not there.

OMG - i lost my ring.

found it half an hour later. was the longest 30 minutes in my life... with noone to turn to, all sorts of imaginable thoughts and aftermatch playing in my head. i have never in my life revisit my trash!

the feeling is simply indescribable! the loss - strange that it includes that as tho i fail him - felt even more distance - even more all alone.

oh no! i've come this stage this fast... ??? thots, thots, and lots of thots...

for the emotional and physical loss i've just experienced, i'm determined to have the ring in only 3 places -
1) on my finger
2) by my bedside in the wooden case
3) by my dressing table in the marble case

non-nego!

lessons
- everything has its place/places
- not to take things for granted
- when things turn into routine and automated, they become less special / gets less attention and become less important

Nikmat

each second, each minute, each hour, each day, each year - is a nikmat from Allah, enabling us to prepare our self for Jannah. other worldly matters are mere temporary. to remember the priority, to live & cherish each moment ...

190808

40!

Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Pengasih.
Selawat ke atas junjungan Nabi Muhammad SAW dan ke atas ahli keluarga dan sahabat baginda.

Ya Allah,

Ampuni dosaku.
Berikan hidayah dan keberkatan dalam hidupku, bimbinglah daku, tingkatkan keimananku. Jadikan aku insan solehah, yang dapat bersama suamiku dalam mencapai jannah. Jadikan aku anak yang dapat membahagia dan mendoakan ibubapaku. Jadikan aku ibu yang dapat menjadikan zuriatku anak-anak yang bakal mendoakan aku & suamiku..

Ya Allah, beri kejayaan kepada kami dunia dan akhirat.

Amin. Ya Rabbul 'alamin.

distance

i am ok without him.
i would definitely be ok-er with him.

190708

O Allah, bless this union with hidayah and barokah.

190708 - images

xxx

many a times my thoughts have flown unbidden
many a times i have not found words enough to express
how special a place you hold in my heart
you have made my life a dream come true
sweetheart, i am glad i found you..

----------------------------------------

i'm so glad you're part of my life. i love you more and more each day xxx

Life Goes On

Back to life, and everything else seems more important. Life goes on..

Reborn

Alhamdulillah.

Awa is done with Hajj. MAy Allah accepts all your ibadah and bless you with Haji Mabroora.

Praying that you are all so refreshed - renewed - reborn...

Amin.

missing you

missing you much
could almost feel
my heart slipping out
venturing
to where you are

wishing we're together...

7-24 December 2007 - AWA @ Hajj

Labbaikallaahumma Labbaik

It's a form of His rahmat on you - to be amongs His selected guest.
Go for it - soul searching, soul cleansing and come back - reborn!

May Allah bless you with a smooth journey and a mabrur Hajj.

xxx

Some up-lifting words!

: Trust in Allah and we will get through this together
: Please keep your head high we are nearly there!

: keep training I want you easy to lift

5-Dec-2007

2 years ago - today, received my talaq. Life has been tough - but alhamdulillah it gets better.

i wonder

a: love you tonnesssssssssssss. you know that don't you

n: aaaa....... :) some times i do, other times i wonder

Sze Ma Lam

As much as you'd like to keep a relationship, it's best to stay away from nurturing it, knowing the possibilities of things that could happen next. It is sad to let go - that special bond. It'll always be a very special bond.

It's about options and choices; sacrifices made for our love ones.

You can't have it all... Life's like that.

20-28th October 2007 AWA again

It seemed like forever waiting for you at the airport...

Finally - again!

xxx

15 Syaaban 1428

Ya Allah
di dalam keberkatan malam nisfu syaaban
dan segala lipatan rahsianya
aku bermohon kepadaMu
ampunilah dosaku
terimalah taubatku
panjangkan usiaku dengan kemanisan dan kerinduan ibadah untuk Mu
tingkatkan imanku dengan ketenangan dan keredhaan atas setiap ketentuan Mu
rezekikan aku dengan cinta suci kasih sayangMu

Ya Allah
sekiranya tiba waktuku
melewati penghujung perjalanan
matikan aku dalam iman

Amin

- suluh -

Peace

A certainty
in this heart
and mind
that
i am
using my life
for worthy purpose
that each day
i am
able to love more
than the day before
that i am
becoming
a better person
each day
that in my own way
i am
touching and improving
the lives of others
it is maintained
with the conviction
that the way
i am spending energies
of my life
makes sense..

O God, guide me and bless me with your love.
Amin.

- suluh -

Return

Everyday
is a day closer
to reaching this journey home
to return to Him
where we belong

Posted By suluh

calls

i could hear
my heart calls on you
with each touch of heart warming beauty

the gentle breeze caressing
the stars glittering
the sun and its rays
the birds chirping
the butterfly teasing the blooming flowers
the swaying falling leaves
the lushful green hills
the white cloud painting the blue sky
the rich colour of dawn

the thoughts of your whispers
the memories of our laughters

i could hear
my heart calls on you
through my dreams
we laugh and love
and simply 'being'
you and i
feeling each other once again

could you hear it?

xxx

11/03/07 !

You don't need a man's love to prepare you in the return journey to meet God. You only need God's love. Others, if come your way, are merely life's bonus.
- 1 Muharram 1428

Love cures ..

Guidance of the Day:
Love cures people------ both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. The effects of experiencing genuine compassion reach far beyond our own lives. It can transform our world in ways we could never imagine. It is the willingness to receive and be received that is the most fulfilling and enduring of our shared moments. Through our willingness to participate in and to witness each other's growth, we become guardians of each other's souls, guides for each other's journey. Then we can lead each other into the light as well as the dark places-----the abyss of old hurts, childhood wounds, and long-held fears, which must be illuminated and understood if we are to grow.

Love is there----always. It lives as we live. This is the essence that gives breath to our bodies and to our souls. This is the breath of God. It infuses each of us with life and purpose. It endows us with the grace to give and receive the way our bodies breathe out and breathe in. In the end, the measure of our lives will be the sum total of the love that we have shared; of those selfless, loving moments that coalesce to define a life whose marrow and being is the expression of our birthright.

L O V E

If there is anything better than to be loved it is loving.
We will never know how to worship until we know how to love.
We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction..

Poem found

" I want to be your companion, and walk hand in hand, your strength enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling, scuffing feet and laughter, sharing nights, not finished by the dark.
I want to be your confidant, as you pen your deepest thoughts, as your heartaches bleed and finally break free. Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile and giggle with you at nothing at all.
I want to be your lover and find the passions that move you to action.
I want to be the softness that induces you to trust. I want to be the naughtythat makes you come back for more.
I want to please you.
I want to share your breakfast and your dinner,
I want you in the shower and in your bed and with soft steps to bring you coffee (I take mine black)
Your strong arms, the legs that power your thrust, your lips of pleasure, these are the fuel of my desire
No it is no secret, my love,
and to put it very simply,
I want you."



i want to be your makmum in our solah
to amen all the doa we seek for life's barokah
i want to mother your children - if that's meant to be
or simply 'walk' with you for the remaining of our journey
i love you, truly.

d o w n h i l l

weary with this helplessness
waiting for something
which could possibly be nothing

hate this guilt
ashamed of the wrong-doings..

miss him
want him
"have faith, we'll make it through"
will we?
could we?

will He let us be?

miss the peace of mind
fear of the growing distance of Your love
guilt and shameful

but where have i got to turn to
but to You

will You still listen to me?

Understanding the messages

Have been trying to find means to understand the Quran. Sedih bila mendengar tapi tak mampu menikmati keindahan kata-kata Tuhan.
My experience during the last umrah in Ramadhan seolah mendesak the pencarian. Bacaan surah and doa dalam terawikh made many cry - surah dihayati and doa diaminkan dengan penuh pengharapan. Except for the Fatihah, I don't understand any the ayat from the surah nor the doa, but its simply beyond words to describe the feeling to being there with millions of other muslimin mengaminkan doa pada Yang Satu. Terasa shahdu, terasa dikasihi. At the same time terasa ruginya tak memahami...

Back in M'sia, met Kak Ani who is a committee member of the masjid at one of the terawikh in Al-Falah. Our conversation brought me to mention about my interest in arabic class should there be one. Then semangat masih terbakar... Yup - those days when tahap iman terasa terbelai.

It's been almost 4 months. Many things happened within the period. Dalam kemelut keresahan - mixture of loneliness and kejauhan penurunan level of iman, hilang tak keruan how to be back on track, I received a call from Kak Ani. Was in KSB when she called about the arabic class she found.

Tonite i attended my first class on memahami bahasa al-quran. The class is packed with messages and peringatan. Susah nak digambarkan - but terasa disayangi...

Allaahumma inni as aluka salaamatan fiddeen...

5-Dec-2006

it's been a year today - being single.

cycles of suka and duka
yet definitely lebih bahagia than i was a year ago.

Alhamdulillah.


text: congratulations on a year of resistance xxx

nanti

penantian
menyakitkan

nak dilepaskan
pun sakit

hanyalah waktu

again

i lost count - but he's back - again.

faith..
need lots of faith.

a n t a r a

di depan mata
antara

yang berentak kasih
terasa bermusim
lafaz cinta
tapi terumbang
rapuh kasih
jauh di mata
hati entah di mana

yang mengalir kasih
bagai tak berakhir
terasa tulus
cinta ikhlas
berharga dikasihi
tapi tak berkesampaian
bahagia
tetap bertumpang

besok
siapa tahu

hati
kenapa perlu
menyuluh,
meneliti,
mentaksir
segala kemungkinan

berdoa
berserahlah
pada Dia
redha

t e r a s a

Sekian lama
mengelak
tak tertepis lagi
lalu terlewatlah aku
di ruang yang menyimpan
seribu jejak kita
terbuka lipatan cerita
tersusuk pedihnya racun rindu
terasa
tersangat rindunya

l e t g o

enough
is enough
let go
xxx
make doa
let God

terasa

Sekian lama mengelak
tak tertepis lagi
lalu terlewatlah aku
di ruang yang menyimpan seribu jejak kita
terbuka lipatan cerita
tersusuk pedihnya racun rindu
terasa
tersangat rindunya

kembali?

entah apalah landasan
yang membolehkan
kau tergamak meminta
aku terima kau kembali

usahlah diganggu
usahlah disiakan waktu

sekadar kemaafan mampu kuberikan
kasih tak terasa
hakikatnya
kau tiada dalam hidupku lagi

jika ikhlas niatmu
bahagialah atas kebahagiaanku.

01/11/06 ?

Tak terungkap lagi
Tak tertaksir
Tak tahu
Arah ke mana harus dituju

Waktu yang iringi langkah
bagai kaku, beku..

Kian lemah degupan
Tapi aku masih di sini
Menanti waktu
Yang kemas mendokong rahsia
Segala penentuanNya

?

Tak terungkap lagi
Tak tertaksir
Tak tahu
Arah ke mana harus dituju

Waktu yang iringi langkah
bagai kaku, beku..

Kian lemah degupan
Tapi aku masih di sini
Menanti waktu
Yang kemas mendokong rahsia
Segala penentuanNya

devine decree and efforts

Devine decree is God's.
Efforts - endless efforts are our haq.

As long as our efforts are in accordance to the calls of islam, lillaahita'ala, and they come with faith and continuous doa for His guidance and help, insyaallah.

We have God with us.

Ya Allah, guide us to the right path.
Ya Allah, make it easy.

Ameen ya Robbul'alameen.

He knows

We may think
what we wished for
is the best for us
but He
and only He knows what's best for each of us.

Make doa
Let God

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah...

Makbulkanlah

what did i do to deserve this?

astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..
astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..
astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..

continuing making doa that my atlasman gets his wishes
not to be relocated to the uk and could remain in malaysia for a very long time.

continuing making doa that i get my wishes

Ya Allah, makbulkanlah..

-solace-

Perjalanan

Alhamdulillah, am very thankful that terpanggil lagi menjadi tetamu Allah. My trip this time is @ solo. "Aku hanya perlukan Mu, Tuhanku. Tolonglah - permudahkan perjalanan hambaMu."

Dugaan awal was that the group - 39 of us and all the 38 were total strangers to me, were standed in KLIA for 29 hours. The original plan was etd KLIA-Jeddah on 22/9 @ 1945 hrs. At 1900 hrs we were told of the flight delay and that we were to check-in at the PacPacific Hotel. Everyone seemed okay and minding my own business - i did as told and got myself locked-in comfortably in Room 530. Family, friends and atlasman notified. Alhamdulillah - i took the delay rather calmly. Anyway - pasal i was on my own, i called the agent rep almost every hourly to check on our flight progress. Not much of a help as the airline has not yet reverted to them - but was told definitely we'll fly the next day.

Like i could sleep soundly waiting for what's next.. anyway - masa terluang i capitalised to revise the guide for perjalanan umrah - completed all 3 books, alhamdulillah.

23/9 Got up the next day - called the rep and was informed still no available info on our flight schedule. Each hour my sabr went thinning. Began pondering apa di sebalik kejadian..

May be Tuhan tak mengizinkan perancangan umrah ini.. timbul rasa sedih and sayu - but who's giving up. Not moi... niat yang mulia insyaallah Tuhan akan beserta..

From breakfast to lunch, from lunch to dinner and i gave up on the rep (not that it's his fault) and called SaudiAir directly. Flight leaving Jakarta aound 9pm wud eta KLIA about 11pm. Gedebuk-gedebak we'll fly around mid nite.
moi : "what's the cause of this delay, may i know?"
s.air : "oh it's some engine problem, maam."
moi : "aa.. engine problem? is it okay now?".
s.air : "insyallah - it's been fixed."

Yeah - after this much delay - i should take this guy's words that the aircraft engine's problem has been fixed. For a while hati penakutku mendabik. Menetes airmata - hello! sape tak takut mati - especially when you know preparation is so cikai... astaghfirullah. Really - it was a scary moment. Nak buat apa lagi kalau dah sampai waktu - it's no turning back. Terbayang dosa-dosa lalu, wajah mak and anak as well as all love ones. Teresak and shahdu habis! But lepas puas nangis, i leave it to God - tawakkaltu'alallah.

We checked out at 2230hrs. Flight midnite as earlier scheduled.

Alhamdulillah - perjalanan di tanah haram lancar - dengan pertolongan Tuhan.

Nikmatnya..

Done

My Atlasman,
you said "hello"
and you said "i'm done. i'm really done..."

Alhamdulillah.

valid?

kenapa dibiar diri melukai hati
dah nyata
tak dipinta pergi
tak dipinta menanti

pilihanmu sendiri yang membawa
ribut dan kacaunya hati

sekadar bisikan terledak rasa
kuatnya kasih
dalamnya cinta
sekadar bisikan…
apakah valid untuk disandarkan?
apakah tak tersia untuk dititip?
kenangan semalam pun menjadi bayangan
yang kian pudar

tangisan mengiring indahnya semalam
pedih terasa hati
menitip semalam di alam nyata
tapi semalam itu
dah terlalu lama berlalu
semalam itu kini menjadi zon
yang menghidupkan kepedihan
pedih sepedihnya

kenapa masih dilewati semalam
kenapa dibiarkan diri melukai hati?

validkah ledakan rasa ini?

KepadaMu Kekasih

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku berserah
Kerana ku tahu Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Apa yang tersirat di hati
Bersama amali

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku kembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku ke sisi
Tanpa harga diri

Hanya padaMu Kekasih
Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ku temukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah Kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku
Dalam keadaan begini

- Jamal Abdillah, Hattan & M.Nasir

29 Shaaban 1427 - 22 September 2006

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

let go

enough
is enough
let go
xxx
make doa
let God

Umrah II (22/09/06 / 29 Shaaban 1427)

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

di persinggahan

Tersasar dalam perjalanan
Tak menyangka
Terlajak di persinggahan
Melewati subuh

Nyaman
Syahdu
Terasa nak berlama
Menikmati tenangnya kedamaian subuh
Di persinggahan ini

Tenangnya sehingga aku terlena
Sempat bermimpi indah

Mentari pagi
Terang mengabur mimpi
Terjaga

Perjalanan kuteruskan

Ya Allah !
Hanya kasihMu yang kuperlukan…
Temani perjalananku

SENJA

Indahnya senja
melepaskan episod sehari
terasa percikan bahagia...
tatkala mengertikan linangan airmata.

tertanya..
apakah mesejMu Tuhan?

Wishful

Ya Allah,
Grant me a peace of mind.

Amiin.

e p i s o d

-I-
siang malam
resah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah tapi tegar
gugup berseli yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-II-
ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
terlalu lamanya
hampir terlerai genggaman berharap
hampir goyah shahdu doa

kala ku lepas genggaman
kau kirim sekadar bisikan
tapi kuatnya kasih
bisikan meledak rasa
dan aku pun
kembali menggenggam harap
kembali berdoa shahdu

dan ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
lagi..

-III-
sebak
tak pernah terduga

kau ingin jadi aku sebahagian dari mu
kau ingin jadi sebahagian dari ku

seikhlasnya
semulianya
seindahnya

tapi hatimu
bukan milik mu sorang

manakan mampu
aku capai bahagia
bila hati mereka terluka...

biarlah
siang malam
meresah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-IV-
Engkau maha mendengar
Engkau menduga dan menguji kesabaran hambaMu

payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

yang dinanti menyepi
yang bersuara tak mungkin kesampaian

terdetik
masih ada kasih..

sabar demi waktu
Engkau maha mengetahui..

G O D S E N D

"Guidance of the Day:
Making it Happen: Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen. Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn't work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You will get much better results. It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either. Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we are waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us. [The Language of Letting Go]

Food for Thought:
Watch, wait. Time will unfold and reveal its purpose. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. "


Thank you, God.

H O M E

I am in the midst of my journey

Ya Allah
Bless me with Your guidance
for me to be
and remain
on the right path

I am indeed on my way
and only wish to arrive home
peacefully
beautifully
to face You.

Amin.