190808

40!

Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Pengasih.
Selawat ke atas junjungan Nabi Muhammad SAW dan ke atas ahli keluarga dan sahabat baginda.

Ya Allah,

Ampuni dosaku.
Berikan hidayah dan keberkatan dalam hidupku, bimbinglah daku, tingkatkan keimananku. Jadikan aku insan solehah, yang dapat bersama suamiku dalam mencapai jannah. Jadikan aku anak yang dapat membahagia dan mendoakan ibubapaku. Jadikan aku ibu yang dapat menjadikan zuriatku anak-anak yang bakal mendoakan aku & suamiku..

Ya Allah, beri kejayaan kepada kami dunia dan akhirat.

Amin. Ya Rabbul 'alamin.

distance

i am ok without him.
i would definitely be ok-er with him.

190708

O Allah, bless this union with hidayah and barokah.

190708 - images

xxx

many a times my thoughts have flown unbidden
many a times i have not found words enough to express
how special a place you hold in my heart
you have made my life a dream come true
sweetheart, i am glad i found you..

----------------------------------------

i'm so glad you're part of my life. i love you more and more each day xxx

Life Goes On

Back to life, and everything else seems more important. Life goes on..

Reborn

Alhamdulillah.

Awa is done with Hajj. MAy Allah accepts all your ibadah and bless you with Haji Mabroora.

Praying that you are all so refreshed - renewed - reborn...

Amin.

missing you

missing you much
could almost feel
my heart slipping out
venturing
to where you are

wishing we're together...

7-24 December 2007 - AWA @ Hajj

Labbaikallaahumma Labbaik

It's a form of His rahmat on you - to be amongs His selected guest.
Go for it - soul searching, soul cleansing and come back - reborn!

May Allah bless you with a smooth journey and a mabrur Hajj.

xxx

Some up-lifting words!

: Trust in Allah and we will get through this together
: Please keep your head high we are nearly there!

: keep training I want you easy to lift

5-Dec-2007

2 years ago - today, received my talaq. Life has been tough - but alhamdulillah it gets better.

i wonder

a: love you tonnesssssssssssss. you know that don't you

n: aaaa....... :) some times i do, other times i wonder

Sze Ma Lam

As much as you'd like to keep a relationship, it's best to stay away from nurturing it, knowing the possibilities of things that could happen next. It is sad to let go - that special bond. It'll always be a very special bond.

It's about options and choices; sacrifices made for our love ones.

You can't have it all... Life's like that.

20-28th October 2007 AWA again

It seemed like forever waiting for you at the airport...

Finally - again!

xxx

15 Syaaban 1428

Ya Allah
di dalam keberkatan malam nisfu syaaban
dan segala lipatan rahsianya
aku bermohon kepadaMu
ampunilah dosaku
terimalah taubatku
panjangkan usiaku dengan kemanisan dan kerinduan ibadah untuk Mu
tingkatkan imanku dengan ketenangan dan keredhaan atas setiap ketentuan Mu
rezekikan aku dengan cinta suci kasih sayangMu

Ya Allah
sekiranya tiba waktuku
melewati penghujung perjalanan
matikan aku dalam iman

Amin

- suluh -

Peace

A certainty
in this heart
and mind
that
i am
using my life
for worthy purpose
that each day
i am
able to love more
than the day before
that i am
becoming
a better person
each day
that in my own way
i am
touching and improving
the lives of others
it is maintained
with the conviction
that the way
i am spending energies
of my life
makes sense..

O God, guide me and bless me with your love.
Amin.

- suluh -

Return

Everyday
is a day closer
to reaching this journey home
to return to Him
where we belong

Posted By suluh

calls

i could hear
my heart calls on you
with each touch of heart warming beauty

the gentle breeze caressing
the stars glittering
the sun and its rays
the birds chirping
the butterfly teasing the blooming flowers
the swaying falling leaves
the lushful green hills
the white cloud painting the blue sky
the rich colour of dawn

the thoughts of your whispers
the memories of our laughters

i could hear
my heart calls on you
through my dreams
we laugh and love
and simply 'being'
you and i
feeling each other once again

could you hear it?

xxx

11/03/07 !

You don't need a man's love to prepare you in the return journey to meet God. You only need God's love. Others, if come your way, are merely life's bonus.
- 1 Muharram 1428

Love cures ..

Guidance of the Day:
Love cures people------ both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. The effects of experiencing genuine compassion reach far beyond our own lives. It can transform our world in ways we could never imagine. It is the willingness to receive and be received that is the most fulfilling and enduring of our shared moments. Through our willingness to participate in and to witness each other's growth, we become guardians of each other's souls, guides for each other's journey. Then we can lead each other into the light as well as the dark places-----the abyss of old hurts, childhood wounds, and long-held fears, which must be illuminated and understood if we are to grow.

Love is there----always. It lives as we live. This is the essence that gives breath to our bodies and to our souls. This is the breath of God. It infuses each of us with life and purpose. It endows us with the grace to give and receive the way our bodies breathe out and breathe in. In the end, the measure of our lives will be the sum total of the love that we have shared; of those selfless, loving moments that coalesce to define a life whose marrow and being is the expression of our birthright.

L O V E

If there is anything better than to be loved it is loving.
We will never know how to worship until we know how to love.
We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction..

Poem found

" I want to be your companion, and walk hand in hand, your strength enveloping mine.
Autumn leaves falling, scuffing feet and laughter, sharing nights, not finished by the dark.
I want to be your confidant, as you pen your deepest thoughts, as your heartaches bleed and finally break free. Your dreams, I keep as if my own.
I want to smile as you smile and giggle with you at nothing at all.
I want to be your lover and find the passions that move you to action.
I want to be the softness that induces you to trust. I want to be the naughtythat makes you come back for more.
I want to please you.
I want to share your breakfast and your dinner,
I want you in the shower and in your bed and with soft steps to bring you coffee (I take mine black)
Your strong arms, the legs that power your thrust, your lips of pleasure, these are the fuel of my desire
No it is no secret, my love,
and to put it very simply,
I want you."



i want to be your makmum in our solah
to amen all the doa we seek for life's barokah
i want to mother your children - if that's meant to be
or simply 'walk' with you for the remaining of our journey
i love you, truly.

d o w n h i l l

weary with this helplessness
waiting for something
which could possibly be nothing

hate this guilt
ashamed of the wrong-doings..

miss him
want him
"have faith, we'll make it through"
will we?
could we?

will He let us be?

miss the peace of mind
fear of the growing distance of Your love
guilt and shameful

but where have i got to turn to
but to You

will You still listen to me?

Understanding the messages

Have been trying to find means to understand the Quran. Sedih bila mendengar tapi tak mampu menikmati keindahan kata-kata Tuhan.
My experience during the last umrah in Ramadhan seolah mendesak the pencarian. Bacaan surah and doa dalam terawikh made many cry - surah dihayati and doa diaminkan dengan penuh pengharapan. Except for the Fatihah, I don't understand any the ayat from the surah nor the doa, but its simply beyond words to describe the feeling to being there with millions of other muslimin mengaminkan doa pada Yang Satu. Terasa shahdu, terasa dikasihi. At the same time terasa ruginya tak memahami...

Back in M'sia, met Kak Ani who is a committee member of the masjid at one of the terawikh in Al-Falah. Our conversation brought me to mention about my interest in arabic class should there be one. Then semangat masih terbakar... Yup - those days when tahap iman terasa terbelai.

It's been almost 4 months. Many things happened within the period. Dalam kemelut keresahan - mixture of loneliness and kejauhan penurunan level of iman, hilang tak keruan how to be back on track, I received a call from Kak Ani. Was in KSB when she called about the arabic class she found.

Tonite i attended my first class on memahami bahasa al-quran. The class is packed with messages and peringatan. Susah nak digambarkan - but terasa disayangi...

Allaahumma inni as aluka salaamatan fiddeen...

5-Dec-2006

it's been a year today - being single.

cycles of suka and duka
yet definitely lebih bahagia than i was a year ago.

Alhamdulillah.


text: congratulations on a year of resistance xxx

nanti

penantian
menyakitkan

nak dilepaskan
pun sakit

hanyalah waktu

again

i lost count - but he's back - again.

faith..
need lots of faith.

a n t a r a

di depan mata
antara

yang berentak kasih
terasa bermusim
lafaz cinta
tapi terumbang
rapuh kasih
jauh di mata
hati entah di mana

yang mengalir kasih
bagai tak berakhir
terasa tulus
cinta ikhlas
berharga dikasihi
tapi tak berkesampaian
bahagia
tetap bertumpang

besok
siapa tahu

hati
kenapa perlu
menyuluh,
meneliti,
mentaksir
segala kemungkinan

berdoa
berserahlah
pada Dia
redha

t e r a s a

Sekian lama
mengelak
tak tertepis lagi
lalu terlewatlah aku
di ruang yang menyimpan
seribu jejak kita
terbuka lipatan cerita
tersusuk pedihnya racun rindu
terasa
tersangat rindunya

l e t g o

enough
is enough
let go
xxx
make doa
let God

terasa

Sekian lama mengelak
tak tertepis lagi
lalu terlewatlah aku
di ruang yang menyimpan seribu jejak kita
terbuka lipatan cerita
tersusuk pedihnya racun rindu
terasa
tersangat rindunya

kembali?

entah apalah landasan
yang membolehkan
kau tergamak meminta
aku terima kau kembali

usahlah diganggu
usahlah disiakan waktu

sekadar kemaafan mampu kuberikan
kasih tak terasa
hakikatnya
kau tiada dalam hidupku lagi

jika ikhlas niatmu
bahagialah atas kebahagiaanku.

01/11/06 ?

Tak terungkap lagi
Tak tertaksir
Tak tahu
Arah ke mana harus dituju

Waktu yang iringi langkah
bagai kaku, beku..

Kian lemah degupan
Tapi aku masih di sini
Menanti waktu
Yang kemas mendokong rahsia
Segala penentuanNya

?

Tak terungkap lagi
Tak tertaksir
Tak tahu
Arah ke mana harus dituju

Waktu yang iringi langkah
bagai kaku, beku..

Kian lemah degupan
Tapi aku masih di sini
Menanti waktu
Yang kemas mendokong rahsia
Segala penentuanNya

devine decree and efforts

Devine decree is God's.
Efforts - endless efforts are our haq.

As long as our efforts are in accordance to the calls of islam, lillaahita'ala, and they come with faith and continuous doa for His guidance and help, insyaallah.

We have God with us.

Ya Allah, guide us to the right path.
Ya Allah, make it easy.

Ameen ya Robbul'alameen.

He knows

We may think
what we wished for
is the best for us
but He
and only He knows what's best for each of us.

Make doa
Let God

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah...

Makbulkanlah

what did i do to deserve this?

astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..
astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..
astarghfirullaahal'adzeem..

continuing making doa that my atlasman gets his wishes
not to be relocated to the uk and could remain in malaysia for a very long time.

continuing making doa that i get my wishes

Ya Allah, makbulkanlah..

-solace-

Perjalanan

Alhamdulillah, am very thankful that terpanggil lagi menjadi tetamu Allah. My trip this time is @ solo. "Aku hanya perlukan Mu, Tuhanku. Tolonglah - permudahkan perjalanan hambaMu."

Dugaan awal was that the group - 39 of us and all the 38 were total strangers to me, were standed in KLIA for 29 hours. The original plan was etd KLIA-Jeddah on 22/9 @ 1945 hrs. At 1900 hrs we were told of the flight delay and that we were to check-in at the PacPacific Hotel. Everyone seemed okay and minding my own business - i did as told and got myself locked-in comfortably in Room 530. Family, friends and atlasman notified. Alhamdulillah - i took the delay rather calmly. Anyway - pasal i was on my own, i called the agent rep almost every hourly to check on our flight progress. Not much of a help as the airline has not yet reverted to them - but was told definitely we'll fly the next day.

Like i could sleep soundly waiting for what's next.. anyway - masa terluang i capitalised to revise the guide for perjalanan umrah - completed all 3 books, alhamdulillah.

23/9 Got up the next day - called the rep and was informed still no available info on our flight schedule. Each hour my sabr went thinning. Began pondering apa di sebalik kejadian..

May be Tuhan tak mengizinkan perancangan umrah ini.. timbul rasa sedih and sayu - but who's giving up. Not moi... niat yang mulia insyaallah Tuhan akan beserta..

From breakfast to lunch, from lunch to dinner and i gave up on the rep (not that it's his fault) and called SaudiAir directly. Flight leaving Jakarta aound 9pm wud eta KLIA about 11pm. Gedebuk-gedebak we'll fly around mid nite.
moi : "what's the cause of this delay, may i know?"
s.air : "oh it's some engine problem, maam."
moi : "aa.. engine problem? is it okay now?".
s.air : "insyallah - it's been fixed."

Yeah - after this much delay - i should take this guy's words that the aircraft engine's problem has been fixed. For a while hati penakutku mendabik. Menetes airmata - hello! sape tak takut mati - especially when you know preparation is so cikai... astaghfirullah. Really - it was a scary moment. Nak buat apa lagi kalau dah sampai waktu - it's no turning back. Terbayang dosa-dosa lalu, wajah mak and anak as well as all love ones. Teresak and shahdu habis! But lepas puas nangis, i leave it to God - tawakkaltu'alallah.

We checked out at 2230hrs. Flight midnite as earlier scheduled.

Alhamdulillah - perjalanan di tanah haram lancar - dengan pertolongan Tuhan.

Nikmatnya..

Done

My Atlasman,
you said "hello"
and you said "i'm done. i'm really done..."

Alhamdulillah.

valid?

kenapa dibiar diri melukai hati
dah nyata
tak dipinta pergi
tak dipinta menanti

pilihanmu sendiri yang membawa
ribut dan kacaunya hati

sekadar bisikan terledak rasa
kuatnya kasih
dalamnya cinta
sekadar bisikan…
apakah valid untuk disandarkan?
apakah tak tersia untuk dititip?
kenangan semalam pun menjadi bayangan
yang kian pudar

tangisan mengiring indahnya semalam
pedih terasa hati
menitip semalam di alam nyata
tapi semalam itu
dah terlalu lama berlalu
semalam itu kini menjadi zon
yang menghidupkan kepedihan
pedih sepedihnya

kenapa masih dilewati semalam
kenapa dibiarkan diri melukai hati?

validkah ledakan rasa ini?

KepadaMu Kekasih

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku berserah
Kerana ku tahu Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Apa yang tersirat di hati
Bersama amali

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku kembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku ke sisi
Tanpa harga diri

Hanya padaMu Kekasih
Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ku temukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu

KepadaMu Kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah Kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah Kau akan menerimaku
Dalam keadaan begini

- Jamal Abdillah, Hattan & M.Nasir

29 Shaaban 1427 - 22 September 2006

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

let go

enough
is enough
let go
xxx
make doa
let God

Umrah II (22/09/06 / 29 Shaaban 1427)

Ya Allah...
ampuni dosaku
lancarkan perjalananku
terimalah ibadahku
aku mohon ketenangan
aku mohon keberkatan
aku mohon petunjukMu.

Ya Allah...
kedatangan hambaMu
untuk penyucian hati dan jiwa

Ya Allah...
Yang maha pengasih
Lagi maha penyayang
Dengan izinMu
Hamba menyahut panggilan!

di persinggahan

Tersasar dalam perjalanan
Tak menyangka
Terlajak di persinggahan
Melewati subuh

Nyaman
Syahdu
Terasa nak berlama
Menikmati tenangnya kedamaian subuh
Di persinggahan ini

Tenangnya sehingga aku terlena
Sempat bermimpi indah

Mentari pagi
Terang mengabur mimpi
Terjaga

Perjalanan kuteruskan

Ya Allah !
Hanya kasihMu yang kuperlukan…
Temani perjalananku

SENJA

Indahnya senja
melepaskan episod sehari
terasa percikan bahagia...
tatkala mengertikan linangan airmata.

tertanya..
apakah mesejMu Tuhan?

Wishful

Ya Allah,
Grant me a peace of mind.

Amiin.

e p i s o d

-I-
siang malam
resah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah tapi tegar
gugup berseli yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-II-
ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
terlalu lamanya
hampir terlerai genggaman berharap
hampir goyah shahdu doa

kala ku lepas genggaman
kau kirim sekadar bisikan
tapi kuatnya kasih
bisikan meledak rasa
dan aku pun
kembali menggenggam harap
kembali berdoa shahdu

dan ku tunggu suara
yang menyepi
lagi..

-III-
sebak
tak pernah terduga

kau ingin jadi aku sebahagian dari mu
kau ingin jadi sebahagian dari ku

seikhlasnya
semulianya
seindahnya

tapi hatimu
bukan milik mu sorang

manakan mampu
aku capai bahagia
bila hati mereka terluka...

biarlah
siang malam
meresah berhempas sepi

ku pohon ketenangan dan petunjuk
payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

ku selami
cuba menjiwai
erti setiap episod kejadian

-IV-
Engkau maha mendengar
Engkau menduga dan menguji kesabaran hambaMu

payah kian tegar
gugup kian yakin

yang dinanti menyepi
yang bersuara tak mungkin kesampaian

terdetik
masih ada kasih..

sabar demi waktu
Engkau maha mengetahui..

G O D S E N D

"Guidance of the Day:
Making it Happen: Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen. Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn't work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You will get much better results. It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either. Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we are waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us. [The Language of Letting Go]

Food for Thought:
Watch, wait. Time will unfold and reveal its purpose. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. "


Thank you, God.

H O M E

I am in the midst of my journey

Ya Allah
Bless me with Your guidance
for me to be
and remain
on the right path

I am indeed on my way
and only wish to arrive home
peacefully
beautifully
to face You.

Amin.

The Rose

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love it is a hunger
An endless, aching need
I say love it is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

And the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes a rose.

Die a little

Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little,
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little,
Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

By Cole Porter

God IS in the know
He allows him to go ...
and each time, i die a little

Pujuk

Redhalah..

setiap kekosongan
setiap kesakitan
setiap kepedihan
setiap titisan airmata

Semoga terampun dosa.




Subhanaka laa'ilmalanaa
illaamaa 'allam tanaa
innaka antal 'aleemulhakeem

thinking

wakey-wakey

are you still there,
or have you stepped out
and walked away?
how far have you gone?
while i remain
with my day dreaming
at the very spot
waiting..
how much longer would it be
before i get the wakeup call?

a thot

everything is so not right.
everything is getting into me.

and these guys in the meeting (except for those bald ones) why can't they trim their hair and moustache neatly!

l o s s

Have you ever woke up
in the midst of the night
feeling the pang of hollow
and emptiness
in your chest

as though something
is snatched out of you

you hear your heart crying
and you feel your soul yearning
and reaching out for something
so out of touch
it's simply something beyond..

This pain
is getting all too familiar
it comes with the loss of life precious

i first felt it when my grandma passed away
i felt it again when my dad left us
i felt it when my 11 years of marriage plunges

And this pain
it's revisiting
it's coming once too often
it's hurting so bad
it's really so bad

Yes - faith and patience
space, devine decree
and destiny

this is part of it
and it's simply something beyond me

Ya Allah,
If this is Your punishment to the sins i've committed, please forgive me
If this is a test to my faith, please increase my level of iman
If this is a test to my love, please give me strengths to endure this pain

Ya Allah,
I know you've heard me
And only You know what's best
I need your guidance..
Ya Rahman
Ya Rahim
Ya Rabbul'alamin.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day today and I miss Abah.

I wished I have told him often enough that I love him.
I wished I had been there for him often more - for him to know that he means so much to me.

Ya Allah, bless the soul of my beloved Abah.

Al Fatihah.

d e s t i n y

Apart from those at work, and a handful of friends from varsity days and colleague from my previous postings whose friendship with i maintain via email, i do not get to see many friends and I am okay with it.

Last week however, I attended an alumni gathering. There were mainly my seniors and a few of those of my badge. Some of whom i have not met at all since they were in different varsity, and some of those from the same school, i have not met for the last 17 years! It's interesting to witness how each one (that i knew) has practically moved with age. Alhamdulillah, despite the diversity in achievements, lifestyle and what each one is pursuing, you could still sense the bond which is somewhat still there. Then again, perhaps being in the yahoo-alumni group could have done the bit.

In another occasion, due to a required arrangement for my son, I met AM, who is in her early 40s. It has been a while since we last met and chatted. Initially I was very excited to learn that she's started her own advertising/event manager and the related company, while also co-managing a legal firm with her new partner. It's obvious that AM has put lots of investing, time and money wise for her new venture. AM related that her kids are beginning to complain seeing less and less of her and she admitted feeling guilty about her son's declining results at school.
Then she went on some other ventures she's helping friends with - including some big funding for a deep-sea fishing stuff - and the topics related got even 'heavier'. Despite it all - she sounded all so excited and elated, asking me if i'd like to join her for some karaoke sessions they'd normally have after work. It was 2130 hours and AM had to rush back to the office for some work matters, quote-unquote.
While i listened to her talking, my head wondered off identifying the differences of passion in different individual life.

Later when i was on my own - I began pondering - "where's my drive?", "what really is my passion?". Could one claim his/her passion better than the other? Then perhaps with satan's whisper "have i actually lost my grip?"

I am not exactly happy with what i am doing at work. Actually work sucks - people take you for granted - expecting the world from you while they pay you peanuts. But i've been doing what i am doing for the past 4 years. I know my strength in the area and coupled with one thousand and one other reasons, I choose to MINIMIZE change in my life at this point of time, with God's willing i.e.

It's pathetic to go back and relate to being divorced less than a year ago, and it's not right to blame the failure of my marriage for where I am now. What's important is that I choose to stay where I am - making the most of that little peanut that I am getting at the end of every month, to pay for the house, the car etc., etc. and survive.

Q1. Why was it that I was sincere when I told AM that I envy her?
A1. Simply because at one point of time, with the drive and passion I had then, I used to dream of becoming my own boss as well.

Q2. Do I want to be in her shoes?
A2. No - i'm inclined for other passions now.

Q3. Why the uncomfortable feeling and worse - the thought that if i had the choice, i'd rather not spend time her?
A3. ... bird of the same feather flocks together. i am just not in her league and i won't pretend to be.

Q4. Am I a bird?
A4. No. very much a human.

It was nothing detrimental, but it's not a simple matter either. To put it shortly, I am glad I had the opportunity to identify the differences and more importantly so, that I am feeling settled with my choices.

Alhamdulillah. I thank God I have come to this stage of consciousness.

Next i have this question. With the differences in passion for life with each individual, what's the chances that one is likely to bump into someone who almost has all the similarities and passions? If it is possible, could it be that the someone appears to have scored so well with you because you psycho yourself into it? What about infatuation? What's with disillusion?

I am still searching for the answer. I'd very much like to think that yes - it's likely for one to meet someone with almost all the similarities. It's something on destiny - by God's devine decree.

It's a long journey in life. Only He knows what awaits us next.

Joy with the Princess

Nur Fatihah & Nur Najwa

My Pillar

Beloved Mak turned 61 on 12th May 2006.
Happy Birthday, Mak and Happy Mother's Day, too.

You're my pillar. I love you.

p a i n

this pain
is hurting
with each breath i take

each tear drop
spells
clearly
where this pain comes from
hence my regrets

i am learning
from this pain
which i am getting
to know well

this pain
which is hurting
wish i could rid
but isn't pain
meant
to clean one's sins

i hope i'll remember
this pain well
this pain
from which i should be learning

i ask you O God
to forgive me
and i ask you O God
to mercy me
i ask you O God
to grant me sustenance
to endure
this pain

equation

almost every thing is intangible
as the tangibles equate to sinning.

c o n t r o l

i t's u n f a i r t o l e t y o u r l i f e b e s u b j e c t e d t o t h e a c t i o n s o f a n o t h e r.
desperately need to be in control
of my life
again
need to prioritise
the significance
o God - please make it easy.

K e j a u h a n

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

kejauhan

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

28th May 2006

I got it registered!
O God grant my wishes.
Engkau maha mengetahui..

Amin.

Du'a

O Allah, by Your knowledge of the unseen and Your power over creation, keep me alive so long as You know as such life to be good for me and
take me if You know death be better for me.

O Allah, make me fearful of You whether in secret, or in public and I ask You to make me true in speech, in times of pleasure and anger.
I ask You to make me moderate in times of wealth and poverty and I ask You for everlasting bliss and joy which will never cease.
I ask You to make me pleased with what You have decreed and for an easy life after death.
I ask You for the sweetness of looking upon Your Face and a longing to encounter You in a manner which does not entail a calamity which will bring about harm nor a trial which will cause deviation.

O Allah, beautify us with the adornment of faith and make us of those who guide and are rightly guided.
O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in this life and the next.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in my religious and worldly affairs, and my family and my wealth.
O Allah, veil my weaknesses and set at ease my dismay.
O Allah, preserve me from the front and from behind and on my right and on my left and from above, and I take refuge with You lest I be swallowed up by the earth.

A'ameen ya Rabb Al-Aa'lameen
I bear witness that None has the right to be worshipped except Allah and I bear witness that Muhammad is His Slave and Messenger

The above Du'as have been taken from the book:
Hisn-u-Muslim {Fortification of the Muslim through rememberance and supplication from the Qur'aan and the Sunnah}
By: Sa'eed Ibn 'Ali Ibn Wahf Al-Qahtaani
Dar Al-Khair Publications, Jeddah KSA

IMAGINE

I am thankful for this reminder - a beautiful piece that i received today in my email. Sharing it in the blog - meant for my own keepsake.

I M A G I N E

Imagine yourself after you pass away
Imagine your grave through night and through day
Wishing that you did not do as they say
Wishing that you had got up and had prayed.

Imagine, my friends, the day that you died
Imagine all of the tears that they cried
Remember how it felt when your body was tied
Remember how it felt in the grave which you lied.

Imagine the day you'll be called to account
Imagine the sum to which your life will amount
Think for a moment of the deeds which you mount
Think for a moment how much they will count.

What will they say of you when you are dead?
What will they say, what will be said?
Will they speak of all the poor who you fed?
Will they remember all the Qu'ran that you read?

Think not of them, but of Allah, Lord of mankind and jinn
Think of Allah when tempted to sin
Think of the paradise which you will dwell in
Don't wait till later to think what might have been.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad sall-allahu 'aliahi wa'sallam has said that whilst you are praying, imagine that all the prophets are on your right side, all the angels on your left, heaven in front of you, hell below you, the angel of death at your back and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala watching over you.

Imagine how revered a prophet is, that an entire chapter of the Holy Qu'ran may be dedicated to him, imagine their position in heaven right now.

Imagine 124,000 of them (prophets) all lined up on your right side whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the sacredness of an angel. Every human being has been allocated two of them for accounting of his deeds. Every cloud moves because Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has ordered an angel to that function. ("But verily over you are appointed angels to protect you - kind and honourable, writing down your deeds: They know and understand what you do. As for the Righteous, they will be in Bliss; And the Wicked, they will be in the Fire") Surah Al Infitar 82:10-14

Imagine the light from which each one of them was created, and all of them (much more than 6 billion) assembled on your left side listening to you praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine hell! In a Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that hell will have seven levels with fires which eat each other! And in each level, there are valleys of fire, cities of fire, castles of fire, houses of fire, rooms of fire, wells of fire, serpents of fire, oceans of black poison containing thousands of scorpions of fire, each one in turn having seventy thousand tails of fire. In reality, hellish fire is much hotter than earthly fire, and hell is unimaginably much worse this description.

Imagine Heaven!! In Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that heaven will have eight gates with thousands of gardens, thousands of cities of pearls, thousands of palaces of Ruby, thousands of rooms of gold, thousands of tables and of plates of jewels, thousands of kinds of food, thousands of thrones of red gold around each of which thousands of rivers will flow with life water and pure honey. On top of each palace, there will be thousands of gifts from the Merciful, which have not been seen by any eye, heard by any ear and are beyond our imagination.

It has been said that inspite of all this pleasure, if the residents of heaven were shown the punishment of someone who did wrong for just one hour on earth, they would scream out with fear. And in spite of all their discomfort, if the residents of hell were shown the reward of someone who did good for only one hour on earth, they would forget they are in hell! Now imagine this hell beneath you and the open doors of heaven in front of you whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the angel of death behind you, the angel that appears as a beautiful person at the deathbed of one who is favoured by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and as fierce creature that pulls the soul out as if it were a cloth being dragged amongst sharp thorns for one who is disfavoured. Imagine this angel just at your back whilst praying. How then can you be distracted if you are not even sure that this might be your last prayer?

And finally imagine the Creator of all that has been mentioned in the previous paragraphs, one Who has created an infinite universe of which earth is only a very tiny insignificant bit, and more insignificant are we who live in it. How then can you be distracted when Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is watching above whilst you are offering prayers to Him?


Surah Al Tawbah

9:112

Those that turn (to Allah)
In repentance; that serve Him,
And praise Him; that wander
In devotion to the Cause of Allah;
That bow down and prostrate themselves
In prayer; that enjoins good
And forbid evil; and observe
The limits set by Allah ~
(These do rejoice). So proclaim
The glad tidings to the Believers

Queen's I want to break free

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied
I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows
God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
In love with a world that's real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows
God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true, hey!
I know I'm different,
there's so much I have to do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free baby
Oh how I have to be free
Oh how I want to break free

This existence is wrong
I can't get used to living without living without
Living without hope
It's all a lie
I don't want to live alone
God knows got to make it on my own
So people can't you see
God knows I've got to break free
God knows I need to
God knows I want to break free

s e n d i r i

tak disuruh
mengangau, mengharap, merajuk

lalu
tanggung sendiri
pedih sendiri
sedih sendiri
tahu sendiri

tak disuruh
melabuh dalam kelemahan
melemas dalam keresahan
tergawang, hilang

pernahkah resah
tunggu suria dan sinarnya
datang dan pergi
membawa malam dan siang?

lalu kenapa harus meresah
tunggu bulan dan sinarnya

tak disuruh
dan bukan salah bulan dan sinarnya
kalau sendiri
yang tergesa menanti

tak disuruh
merajuk sendiri
meratap sendiri
lemah sendiri

tak disuruh
nekadlah jika mahu
rindulah bila perlu

sampai bila?

perlu redha
ketentuan Yang Maha Esa

datang dan pergi sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

My Man

Got home a little later than usual. Q was in the living room, his books scattered on the coffee table. The TV set was off and Q claimed he's just completed his homework. Dinner was also done. Baiknyaaa, terghteib-lendeit anak mom!

I walked pass Q approaching the TV set and touched it. Still very warm. I turned it on - it's cartoon channel 62 - as always. I looked at Q - he grinned "Yeah - i watched tv - for a while." We both smiled knowingly. I gave Q a kiss and that's when my man said "You look pretty". Belum sempat nak register, he corrected "No - i think you look prettier when you are happier". I hesitated, but my 'macho' respond was simply "thank you, i know". Smile. big smile.

Later when i was on the threadmill in the gym, i kept wondering what's in Q's mind when he referred me to being happi-er...

perjalanan

langkah tak menentu

kekadang galak,
berlari anak
senyum terbelai tawa

tapi bila suaramu sepi
langkah lemah
longlainya tak maya

sampai bila?
langkah tak menentu
kekadang mengundur resah
tak pasti
kekadang menerpa
nak berlari

bersilih

tertanya
di manakah aku
dalam perjalananmu

Change

Life is a learning process and partly it's about discovering oneself.
We learn from circumstances and depending on our attitude, we shall decide if we need to change.

Would you change for someone?

I would if he's significant enough. i would if the change would make me a better khalifah.

J

Was triggered to think of the world's perception on me, being another single mother or the less preferred word - janda.

The 'j' word did not bother me much. Perhaps - it's because it came along with the best thing that could happen to my life i.e. being free from lies, hopeless hopes etc. etc - where x - the other portion of my life then, was in concerned. It's a definite blessing from someone up there.

In the beginning, i didn't really subscibe to being a 'j'. Simply because my perception of a 'j' used to be as one who did not have the choice to ending up holding the status - i.e. either through kematian or 'opted out' by choice of the other.

The first pain of reality of being a 'j' happened during my separation. It cut like a knife, somehow, when a close friend, in supporting my move to get rid of my crv for budget adjustment reason, kiddingly put it that my WJJ plate number was no good for me. That hit me - that whether or not i choose to be in the situation - i'm a 'j'.

The other perception i used to have about a 'j' - very much depends on how she carries herself. Many a time when you come to know that so and so is a 'j', there's a "no wonder laa" thot that came to mind. Sadly, a 'j' tends to get stigmatised instead.

I'm already registered that i am a 'j' alright. But i've never really wondered what kind of thot people in my little world has on me. At this very moment, i wonder what sort of "no wonder laa" i've scored.

Does it matter, torts?
...........
Just to check and balance.
Just want to make sure i don't go overboard.
Moderation is good.

Alhamdulillah.

Beauty tips

Found this piece - which means so much.. if only.


For attractive lips
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
And the beauty of a woman, with passing years, only grows!

so soon

so much to give
so soon...

can't slow down

can't ?
or won't ?

it's a bad habit
and habits are hard to break

don't you learn?
don't you ever?

it's about choices

it's a definite heartache
till you learn
to breakaway..

will you learn?
will you ever?

Keep going as life goes on...

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try"

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

"Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power, a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment."

" If you want to have what you have not, you must do what you do not. "

"We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure."

"The secret of happiness is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

"If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it."

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is to you."

"It is not enough to aim; you must hit."

"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going."

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

"Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement."

"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant."

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

"He is able who thinks he is able."

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."

"We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision."

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act."

"Action conquers fear."

"Have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them."

"Look at the abundance all around you as you go about your daily business. You have as much right to this abundance as any other living creature. It's yours for the asking."

"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."

"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be."

"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."


"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react."

beautiful

beautiful is
the sun
the sky
the wind
the rays
the rain
the wind chime
the fish
the breeze
the morning
the star
the music
the desert rose
the butterfly
... life is beautiful.

desert rose

from white butterfly to desert rose
i sure could fly...

white butterfly

I've got this little secret about white butterfly.

It was back in 1998 when my marriage first rocked. didn't want to spread fire therefore - stopped myself from turning to my family. blast after blast - i was at a total despair - very loss and had noone to turn to.

That particular day, i drove headlessly - undecided whether i should leave home for good or patch up and stay. my heart was broken and i really didn't know what to do. Kept praying for God to please show me the way and help ease the pain.
I stopped to make one call to X from a phone booth hoping i'd get some cues for my decision. Nope - the call did not help at all - i was still at a loss, unsure of what to do. I had Ya Allah, tolonglah hambaMu - non-stop. Got back in the car, and dalam kemelut hati and fikiran kacau, 'something' was sent to me.

A white butterfly hinggap di lengan kanan. It was there and it stayed there. It could have gotten in the car when i got out / came in for/from the call. But who would expect this little creature to just stay put on my forearm?

Suddenly hati kacau gundah gulana ribut yang melanda - lenyap. I was awed - subhanallah. agungnya kebesaranMu tuhan. He just sent one tiny fragile little creature and it changed everything that felt like my whole world was at a verge of collapsing. I was totally so so awed.

The drive from the phone booth to my apartment took around 10 minutes and through the 10 minutes, the white butterfly simply hang onto arm. I remembered smiling - it's really blissful.

I reached home - got out of the car, got into the lift, walked to my entrance, unlocked my entrance/door and my white butterfly did not nudge a bit. I sat in the living room - looking down at it on my arm - so amazed with kebesaran Tuhan.

Then i went for wudhu'. At cleaning my arm, my little friend simply creeped up my sleeve to my shoulder and stayed. Ayaiyaiyai... imagine my feeling then. And only when i sarungkan telekung - did she leave me.

And that solat, i felt like i was communicating directly to God.. kusyuk.

Of course the butterfly did not give any solution to my problem. I simply see it as a devine intervention from God to help ease the burden i was feeling inside. Alhamdulillah.

Recently, with the saga surrounding me, a white butterfly incident recur. Prior to its special appearance, i was praying to God to show me signs - permudahkan pertemuan ini - if it's right, or otherwise. A white butterfly appeared in my car - flew pass me while i was on my way. Another bliss.. And things have been so smooth so far.

Spooky - but so real.

Ya Allah, Engkaulah yang maha agung lagi maha mengetahui.


Amin.

nokhtah

bersama satu dakapan
dan ciuman di dahi
beserta airmata dan sebak suara
kau lafazkan

sebuah catatan perjalanan
bermula 05 November 1994
bernokhtah 05 December 2005.

alhamdulillah.

New Live-in Mate

This is such a sweet surprise - i discovered my new live-in mate/mates (well by the balcony that is). Never yet had the chance to exchange hello - but i sure am pleased and looking forward to meet the angkut-angkut family..

what type of x are you

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an exYou prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behindAs they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

b e r s i l i h

di jalanan hidup
ada hari panas
ada hujan
ada mendung
ada ribut
ada pelangi..
bersilih
hanya Tuhan tahu
apa bakal temani jalanan esok.

terpercik

happiness is a state of mind

sakit rupanya
bila hati
terpercik api
berharap.

warna hidup

pilihan warna hidup

apakah milik kita?

kuselit doa

sesuci melati putih

di setiap panggilan waktu

permudahkanlah...

Speedy delivery

i miss us

travelling up north to see my Q this weekend.

I miss him.

Quiz - ur religious philosophy

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

S M A B

sulh

was at the scheduled majlis sulh and X did not turn up.

the sister who's a doctor in putra jaya hospital called the court - bro under diabetic treatment therefore could not turn up for the session. Crap!! you are just full of shit!

you chose to walk out - tq - so walk out like a man and get out of my life!

what you do with your life in no concern of mine. I have let go and let God.

i only want my closure.

God grant me strengths and patience!

Aduhai...

Aduhai...
bergegar
bagai kilat menyambar
hati luluh bila kutahu
kau tergelincir lagi dalam perjalananmu

ku tenung perjalanan sedekad
menakung
menatang
membendung
mencurah kasih
mengharap
merintih kemarau kehidupan

guruh bergema
kau buang air di takungan
bukan sekali
dan berulang perjalanan
menakung
menatang
rupanya hujan tak jadi

pekat hitam wajah semalam
dek persimpangan berpecah arah
tapi siangku semakin terang
terasa hangat kecintaan
dari yang Hak
melindungi
menyayangi

Tuhan
ku titip doa seikhlas hati
ampunilah dosa kami
berikan petunjuk
berikan kekuatan
berikan cahaya
berikan keimanan
berikan keinsafan

Aduhai...
biar persimpangan berpecah arah
biar perjalanan lain tujuan
Pulang kita tetap pada yang Satu...

Wajah dugaan berupa-rupa
kedukaan - kesukaan
kelahiran - kematian
kesenangan - kesempitan
kenaikan - kejatuhan
pertemuan - perpisahan
perkahwinan - penceraian

Pasrah dan redha
kembalilah kepadaNya.

------------
ya-nya x
051194-010805

10th November 1995

Q turns 10 today and I can't be there with him. Sob! Sob! Sob! :(

He offered to come back to KL with me last Monday. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness but reminded that he'd be bored at home alone. He suggested that we take Aiman along so they could entertain each together. Ooo... that sounded like lots of fun ..... and trouble. A BIG NO flashed in my head.

The record has been that the longest the two could be at peace together is 15 minutes. Then the war starts - either small, big, silent or loud. Aiman is small in size and he's super-duper sensitive. He normally gets his way riding on d size factor, that and his innocent look. But we know most of the time he is not t h a t innocent. Q - big size - generally penyabar, unfortunately not with aiman. When Q strikes - he strikes hard!

It could be a good try from Q - to come back to KL with mom :) but I reminded him that Aiman is soon to start his tajwid class. As for Q - I re-confirmed that he's attending a motivational program soon, too. Schedule clashes and therefore i'd have to leave without him and aiman, tq :)

Q has been calling to check on my coughing - so nice of him :). I feel accommodated already by this young man. Need to instill lots of such related values in preparation for his future.
I have discussed with Q of a few 'things to do' (actually more of my REQUEST from him) during the school hols.
One: to learn ride a bicycle - yes - my 10 year old son could not ride a bike!!! Details soon. Two: to attend the motivational program at a sekolah with "pondok" concept (islamic teachings).

On learning to ride a bicycle - Adik (my brother; Q's father) has bought Q the bicycle for his 8th birthday. It has been rounds of prep talk to get Q to learn ride a bike. Without attempting to hide his reluctance while sweating all over, he made a few small attempts and would just shut down and give up after the 3rd fall... Pujuk, challenge or whatever tactics wouldn't get him to touch the bike again for the session. Tergelempang le basikal tu kat tengah laman. He wouldn't even pick it up.
I have tried all sorts of approach - without success. Q is the type who expects things to go smooth and right from the beginning. It bothers me - because life's not like that. So after 2 years of hoping he'd overcome his fear for 'hickups' - I put it to him very clearly this time that it's not an option - he HAS to make sure that by the time he comes back to KL - he could ride a bike. It's important to me - for his confidence and trust in himself.
Wickedly – I whispered that i'd tell his classmates about the 2 year secret if he fail this time. Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA! Evil huh? Well - it works! Even before i left the other day - he has survived cycling straight - and i mean straight - into anything that comes before him :).
It's such a big deal for me to see this progress - afterall i have waited 2 years. I was really worried. I don't really care about him riding a bike - it's his approach in life i am concerned about. Haahh! such a relief. One down - many more to go. I suppose by this time - he would have picked up some tips on 'cornering' - (from aiman! yeah this boy rides a bike like nobody's biznez) tangan tu keghaeh bebeno! For my recollection i shall include this - on d 2nd day of raya - beloved Q left a few scrathes at the left rear of my new car... aduuus! My reaction: told him "no worries Q - ur duit raya collection this year shall be all mine" ;) Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA!

On attending the motivational program. The sekolah 'pondok' - is organised by Ustaz Mutalib - a penceramah bebas who has been running the pondok in Kubang Semang, Bukit Mertajam. It's really a modern pondok - not those with atap nipah ~ which would have been more 'thrilling' for Q - i'm sure. The first time Q heard of the program - he responded 'Mom, tak dak aircond', 'tidur ramai-ramai busuk', and a couple of other valid and ‘understooded’ excuses. I happily added to his list - no tv, no games, no screaming 'bibiiik, ambik tualaaaa' or 'bibiiik, mana bajuuuu?' - semua sindri mau buat.

The program is actually meant for the existing students of the pondok. It's by our request that Q is enrolled. There shall be 50 of them staying there from Monday to Friday, starting 18th Nov for a month. Don't know about the other kids but i really hope this would give different perspective of life to my beloved son.
Maktok consoled Q (ke herself?) that ‘tak pa laa.. malam-malam bila ummi hantag aiman pi ngaji tajwid, boleh la maktok pi tengok qayyum’. Haa - dia buat daahh – mak aku ni. Macamana la cucu tu tak lomah!

Having said that - gotto admit that x and i had our share as well. Last year, we enrolled Q into a summer camp. It was his first - conducted in Ulu Yam, organised by AJK Masjid Al-Falaq of USJ9. There were about 100 students mainly of year 4 to Year 6. Q was among the 4 participants from Year 3. They were sleeping in tents, about 12 tents altogether including the facilitators'.
Generators were used at nite - and turn off after mid nite. Toilet is some 100 meters aways from the camp site, then on pelita ayam were lit (tahu ke apa ke benda pelita ayam tu? i just gotto know of such thing when i was there). So bebudak yang nak ke toilet at nite kena pakai torchlight (yes toslet) and pergi berteman. Thee hee..
As much as we wanted the exposure for Q, could not bear letting him out of sight just like that. We ended-up volunteering jadi facilitators ~ minus the sleeping in the tent la. We check-in into one of the challet - no aircond - no fan, luckily ada toilet. It was quite an experience making the nite-rounds with only small torchlight. Siap tersuluh babi hutan lagi - no joke! I swear I wouldn't be there if its not for Q..

It has been 2 years now that Q left his parents, siblings and mak to come live with me (and x). i believe it's not easy for him. I never experienced being pregnant - donno if i ever will, but all the same I feel I am very much a mother to Q. He equates an amanah based on my brother and his wife’s love for me. Not to mention - mak's sacrifice to let go of her beloved first cucu away. I am thankful to God to be blessed with all these wonderful people in my life.

Qayyum, Happy 10th birthday. I love you so very much.

Hugs and kisses, Mom

Back Again

Alhamdulillah. I got home safely after 4 hours drive from hometown with bibik - in my new car (kayta raye ;). Bibik's suppose to jaga and keep me awake, therefore mak and adik made her sit kat depan with me. But bibik being bibik - i stopped at a petrol station which is 15 minutes drive away from mak's place - and she's dozed off! The rest of d journey must be mimpi indah balik indon for her…

Balik kampong trip this time was with adik and family driving down from hometown, fetched Q, bibik and moi in KL and drive back from KL to hometown (hmm – inilah yang dikatakan nikmat & hikmah kancah kehidupan :). Full of excitement - were Fatihah, Aiman and Q - so very much in 'balik kampong' mood. Aiman & Fatihah never experienced balik kampong - so this marked their virgin trip. Allahyarham Sudir's balik kampong dibibir - each with different pelat - kecoh. But later - it got quiet and peaceful pasal yang bertiga tu masuk ke alam mimpi jua..
Traffic was smooth as we were among the early birds to balik kampong i.e 2 days before deepavali. Yes – it was a looonng holiday.. Cek ghaya sakan!

A day before raya – adik, Q and I visited kubur arwah beloved abah and mak tok. Did some cleaning work sambil berdoa for all beloved ones.

Di pagi raya – bermaafan and photo session. As early as 0830 hours the doorbell rang dek budak-budak kampong – tersangatlah comel-comelnya. As tho ada standard practice – after the bell rang, Fatihah wud be racing against Aiman to the door - both would be smiling broadly while waiting for the bebudak to jalan from the gate to pintu rumah. Next – exchange of greetings ‘asalamualaikuuumm – waalaikumsalaamm’. Next - supposedly - Fatihah kasi duit raya to the girls and Aiman kasi the boys, but our little heroin main kromo jer.. so ada gak adegan berkuntau between the 2. Anyway - what amazed me was that NONE of the little visitors accepted our offer untuk masuk makan kue ghaya! So much about silatulrahim & bermaaf-maafan or is it - money matters?! Kena review concept next year..

2nd raya – Nek Su’s annual event – kenduri laksa which is so sedap.

3rd raya – 5th November - ada wedding ceremony of a 1st cousin. Both bride and groom are still studying in Cairo. She’s 24 - married to her senior of 7 years – match-making result by another senior friend.
Coincidentally – 11 years ago – I had my wedding. Bad sign ka apa tak tau - I was down with viral fever plus bad coughing – therefore remained ‘inactive’ – heheheh!

4th raya - as body still aching – had to postpone my trip back to KL (which is a blessing because accordingly it was a BIG VERY congested and BAD traffic).

Q stayed back to spend school hols at kampong. Mak wanted to accompany me – but she’s been coughing so bad she lost her voice. I know any trip could worsen her coughing – so I convinced her that I would be fine.
D i d n ’ t t h i n k i t w u d b e t h i s q u i e t t h o …. Hm - Must be the impact from the (nak pantun siket)

hiruk-pikuk beraya sakan,
mengacau dodol di rumah pak long,
lodeh, lontong and sambal sotong jadi hidangan,
berat badan naik balik – mak oi – tolong!

Was back at work today. Office is rather quiet – morning meeting only with 6 attendees. My email account was closed for obvious reason. Coughing getting worse and everyone who called commented on my husky voice.

Despite it all – I am glad I am back again.

The balcony

This is my balcony. At night, it becomes my favourite spot - where I often sit by watching the sky - deep in my own thots - menitip perjalanan hari dan muhasabah diri... The beautiful music orchestrated by the wind chime and flowing water from my little fountain - never fail me, so far.

Sesungguhnya kehidupan yang singkat ini cukup indah..

8 Ramadhan 1423

It's early morning on Sunday - 5 Ramadhan 1426. Terdengar suara mak from the other room - membaca ayat suci al-quran. It's mak's daily routine. Turut beri ketenangan for me. Syukur aku padaMu Tuhan dengan masih adanya Mak with me. What would i do without her.

I know mak misses arwah abah. Especially bila Ramadhan tiba. Well - i miss abah too. Banyak 'tak berkesempatan' dengan abah. I wished i had done more....

I went back to Penang almost every other weekend since abah had his second stroke which had left him unable to speak. It had been almost four months, and since, Mak had not left the house at all - seeing to abah's needs. Besides that - there's adik who has been attending to abah - taking him for his theraphy sessions, mandi and cleanedkan abah. He's a good son. Me - i was in KL - busy with life and (kerenah) x.
Anyway - back to abah - everyone thought he was getting better and stronger each day. We expected him to be 'independent' again in no time.

It was a Sunday - 6th Ramadhan. We 'gathered' for adik and q's birthday at buka puasa. Abah could not take any food. But he was there with us at the dining table - in his wheelchair. I pujuk abah supaya makan a little for his strength, but he simply could not swallow the food. I peeled a manggo - he only took a small slice.

Then it was time for me to leave for KL - would be working the next day. Hati berat sangat nak tinggalkan abah. And Abah pun seemed berat sangat nak let me go. He held me close - kissed my hand and lama tenung my face. We both cried. I told him i'd be coming home to be with him the coming weekend again. I planned to sleep by abah's side the next trip home.

But that weekend with abah never came. Monday nite - i received the call - abah tenat. I was racing against time - I wished i could fly and immediately be there next to abah.

Tuhan lebih menyayangi abah. 8th Ramadhan - he left us.

I wished i had done so much more...

Ya Allah - cucuri rahmatMu ke atas roh abah. Masukkan dia bersama golongan anbiya.

Al-Fatihah!