Joy with the Princess

Nur Fatihah & Nur Najwa

My Pillar

Beloved Mak turned 61 on 12th May 2006.
Happy Birthday, Mak and Happy Mother's Day, too.

You're my pillar. I love you.

p a i n

this pain
is hurting
with each breath i take

each tear drop
spells
clearly
where this pain comes from
hence my regrets

i am learning
from this pain
which i am getting
to know well

this pain
which is hurting
wish i could rid
but isn't pain
meant
to clean one's sins

i hope i'll remember
this pain well
this pain
from which i should be learning

i ask you O God
to forgive me
and i ask you O God
to mercy me
i ask you O God
to grant me sustenance
to endure
this pain

equation

almost every thing is intangible
as the tangibles equate to sinning.

c o n t r o l

i t's u n f a i r t o l e t y o u r l i f e b e s u b j e c t e d t o t h e a c t i o n s o f a n o t h e r.
desperately need to be in control
of my life
again
need to prioritise
the significance
o God - please make it easy.

K e j a u h a n

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

kejauhan

bermula detik
terhela nafas ...
dek kejauhan
dengan rindu yang melemaskan
datang dan pergi

ke mana hala penantian
terkadang tersasar
tenggelam dek kegusaran

apa prioriti perjalanan ini
terhela nafas ...

kejauhan
membawa sepi
dan berganti teman
antara rindu
dan kegusaran

Tuhan
Engkau Maha Mengetahui
Berikan petunjukMu.

28th May 2006

I got it registered!
O God grant my wishes.
Engkau maha mengetahui..

Amin.

Du'a

O Allah, by Your knowledge of the unseen and Your power over creation, keep me alive so long as You know as such life to be good for me and
take me if You know death be better for me.

O Allah, make me fearful of You whether in secret, or in public and I ask You to make me true in speech, in times of pleasure and anger.
I ask You to make me moderate in times of wealth and poverty and I ask You for everlasting bliss and joy which will never cease.
I ask You to make me pleased with what You have decreed and for an easy life after death.
I ask You for the sweetness of looking upon Your Face and a longing to encounter You in a manner which does not entail a calamity which will bring about harm nor a trial which will cause deviation.

O Allah, beautify us with the adornment of faith and make us of those who guide and are rightly guided.
O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in this life and the next.
O Allah, I ask You for pardon and well-being in my religious and worldly affairs, and my family and my wealth.
O Allah, veil my weaknesses and set at ease my dismay.
O Allah, preserve me from the front and from behind and on my right and on my left and from above, and I take refuge with You lest I be swallowed up by the earth.

A'ameen ya Rabb Al-Aa'lameen
I bear witness that None has the right to be worshipped except Allah and I bear witness that Muhammad is His Slave and Messenger

The above Du'as have been taken from the book:
Hisn-u-Muslim {Fortification of the Muslim through rememberance and supplication from the Qur'aan and the Sunnah}
By: Sa'eed Ibn 'Ali Ibn Wahf Al-Qahtaani
Dar Al-Khair Publications, Jeddah KSA

IMAGINE

I am thankful for this reminder - a beautiful piece that i received today in my email. Sharing it in the blog - meant for my own keepsake.

I M A G I N E

Imagine yourself after you pass away
Imagine your grave through night and through day
Wishing that you did not do as they say
Wishing that you had got up and had prayed.

Imagine, my friends, the day that you died
Imagine all of the tears that they cried
Remember how it felt when your body was tied
Remember how it felt in the grave which you lied.

Imagine the day you'll be called to account
Imagine the sum to which your life will amount
Think for a moment of the deeds which you mount
Think for a moment how much they will count.

What will they say of you when you are dead?
What will they say, what will be said?
Will they speak of all the poor who you fed?
Will they remember all the Qu'ran that you read?

Think not of them, but of Allah, Lord of mankind and jinn
Think of Allah when tempted to sin
Think of the paradise which you will dwell in
Don't wait till later to think what might have been.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad sall-allahu 'aliahi wa'sallam has said that whilst you are praying, imagine that all the prophets are on your right side, all the angels on your left, heaven in front of you, hell below you, the angel of death at your back and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala watching over you.

Imagine how revered a prophet is, that an entire chapter of the Holy Qu'ran may be dedicated to him, imagine their position in heaven right now.

Imagine 124,000 of them (prophets) all lined up on your right side whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the sacredness of an angel. Every human being has been allocated two of them for accounting of his deeds. Every cloud moves because Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has ordered an angel to that function. ("But verily over you are appointed angels to protect you - kind and honourable, writing down your deeds: They know and understand what you do. As for the Righteous, they will be in Bliss; And the Wicked, they will be in the Fire") Surah Al Infitar 82:10-14

Imagine the light from which each one of them was created, and all of them (much more than 6 billion) assembled on your left side listening to you praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine hell! In a Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that hell will have seven levels with fires which eat each other! And in each level, there are valleys of fire, cities of fire, castles of fire, houses of fire, rooms of fire, wells of fire, serpents of fire, oceans of black poison containing thousands of scorpions of fire, each one in turn having seventy thousand tails of fire. In reality, hellish fire is much hotter than earthly fire, and hell is unimaginably much worse this description.

Imagine Heaven!! In Hadith-al-Qudsi, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says that heaven will have eight gates with thousands of gardens, thousands of cities of pearls, thousands of palaces of Ruby, thousands of rooms of gold, thousands of tables and of plates of jewels, thousands of kinds of food, thousands of thrones of red gold around each of which thousands of rivers will flow with life water and pure honey. On top of each palace, there will be thousands of gifts from the Merciful, which have not been seen by any eye, heard by any ear and are beyond our imagination.

It has been said that inspite of all this pleasure, if the residents of heaven were shown the punishment of someone who did wrong for just one hour on earth, they would scream out with fear. And in spite of all their discomfort, if the residents of hell were shown the reward of someone who did good for only one hour on earth, they would forget they are in hell! Now imagine this hell beneath you and the open doors of heaven in front of you whilst you are praying. How then can you be distracted?

Imagine the angel of death behind you, the angel that appears as a beautiful person at the deathbed of one who is favoured by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and as fierce creature that pulls the soul out as if it were a cloth being dragged amongst sharp thorns for one who is disfavoured. Imagine this angel just at your back whilst praying. How then can you be distracted if you are not even sure that this might be your last prayer?

And finally imagine the Creator of all that has been mentioned in the previous paragraphs, one Who has created an infinite universe of which earth is only a very tiny insignificant bit, and more insignificant are we who live in it. How then can you be distracted when Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is watching above whilst you are offering prayers to Him?


Surah Al Tawbah

9:112

Those that turn (to Allah)
In repentance; that serve Him,
And praise Him; that wander
In devotion to the Cause of Allah;
That bow down and prostrate themselves
In prayer; that enjoins good
And forbid evil; and observe
The limits set by Allah ~
(These do rejoice). So proclaim
The glad tidings to the Believers

Queen's I want to break free

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied
I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows
God knows I want to break free

I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
In love with a world that's real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows
God knows I've fallen in love

It's strange but it's true, hey!
I know I'm different,
there's so much I have to do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free baby
Oh how I have to be free
Oh how I want to break free

This existence is wrong
I can't get used to living without living without
Living without hope
It's all a lie
I don't want to live alone
God knows got to make it on my own
So people can't you see
God knows I've got to break free
God knows I need to
God knows I want to break free

s e n d i r i

tak disuruh
mengangau, mengharap, merajuk

lalu
tanggung sendiri
pedih sendiri
sedih sendiri
tahu sendiri

tak disuruh
melabuh dalam kelemahan
melemas dalam keresahan
tergawang, hilang

pernahkah resah
tunggu suria dan sinarnya
datang dan pergi
membawa malam dan siang?

lalu kenapa harus meresah
tunggu bulan dan sinarnya

tak disuruh
dan bukan salah bulan dan sinarnya
kalau sendiri
yang tergesa menanti

tak disuruh
merajuk sendiri
meratap sendiri
lemah sendiri

tak disuruh
nekadlah jika mahu
rindulah bila perlu

sampai bila?

perlu redha
ketentuan Yang Maha Esa

datang dan pergi sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

sesuka hati

bicara sepi
mimpi siang
igauan malam
terpaksa menepis
rindu membara
menagih belaian
yang entah bila lagi akan munculnya
datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

hati merajuk
tapi tak mampu tertunjuk
takkan terpujuk
dan rajuk pun terpendam

pedih
sedih

mengharapkan kekuatan
mencari kedamaian
mencari pautan
mencari jawapan

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

tunggu
apa yang ditunggu?
bulankah itu?
bisakah bulan jatuh ke riba?
di alam nyata?
yang dinanti sinarnya
bulan takkan jatuh ke riba
dan bulan terbit ikut peredaran
tunggulah..

merajuk lagi
airmata temani malam
mengumpul kekekuatan
nekad menyepi
teresak dalam lena
nekad menyepi
nekad menyendiri
biar dicari
nekad

fajar menyinsing
celik mata
rindu terus bertandang

huhhhhhh
sampai bila

mungkinkah
bicara sepi hilang
dengan peredaran

datang dan pergi
sesuka hati

My Man

Got home a little later than usual. Q was in the living room, his books scattered on the coffee table. The TV set was off and Q claimed he's just completed his homework. Dinner was also done. Baiknyaaa, terghteib-lendeit anak mom!

I walked pass Q approaching the TV set and touched it. Still very warm. I turned it on - it's cartoon channel 62 - as always. I looked at Q - he grinned "Yeah - i watched tv - for a while." We both smiled knowingly. I gave Q a kiss and that's when my man said "You look pretty". Belum sempat nak register, he corrected "No - i think you look prettier when you are happier". I hesitated, but my 'macho' respond was simply "thank you, i know". Smile. big smile.

Later when i was on the threadmill in the gym, i kept wondering what's in Q's mind when he referred me to being happi-er...

perjalanan

langkah tak menentu

kekadang galak,
berlari anak
senyum terbelai tawa

tapi bila suaramu sepi
langkah lemah
longlainya tak maya

sampai bila?
langkah tak menentu
kekadang mengundur resah
tak pasti
kekadang menerpa
nak berlari

bersilih

tertanya
di manakah aku
dalam perjalananmu

Change

Life is a learning process and partly it's about discovering oneself.
We learn from circumstances and depending on our attitude, we shall decide if we need to change.

Would you change for someone?

I would if he's significant enough. i would if the change would make me a better khalifah.

J

Was triggered to think of the world's perception on me, being another single mother or the less preferred word - janda.

The 'j' word did not bother me much. Perhaps - it's because it came along with the best thing that could happen to my life i.e. being free from lies, hopeless hopes etc. etc - where x - the other portion of my life then, was in concerned. It's a definite blessing from someone up there.

In the beginning, i didn't really subscibe to being a 'j'. Simply because my perception of a 'j' used to be as one who did not have the choice to ending up holding the status - i.e. either through kematian or 'opted out' by choice of the other.

The first pain of reality of being a 'j' happened during my separation. It cut like a knife, somehow, when a close friend, in supporting my move to get rid of my crv for budget adjustment reason, kiddingly put it that my WJJ plate number was no good for me. That hit me - that whether or not i choose to be in the situation - i'm a 'j'.

The other perception i used to have about a 'j' - very much depends on how she carries herself. Many a time when you come to know that so and so is a 'j', there's a "no wonder laa" thot that came to mind. Sadly, a 'j' tends to get stigmatised instead.

I'm already registered that i am a 'j' alright. But i've never really wondered what kind of thot people in my little world has on me. At this very moment, i wonder what sort of "no wonder laa" i've scored.

Does it matter, torts?
...........
Just to check and balance.
Just want to make sure i don't go overboard.
Moderation is good.

Alhamdulillah.

Beauty tips

Found this piece - which means so much.. if only.


For attractive lips
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
And the beauty of a woman, with passing years, only grows!

so soon

so much to give
so soon...

can't slow down

can't ?
or won't ?

it's a bad habit
and habits are hard to break

don't you learn?
don't you ever?

it's about choices

it's a definite heartache
till you learn
to breakaway..

will you learn?
will you ever?

Keep going as life goes on...

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try"

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

"Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power, a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment."

" If you want to have what you have not, you must do what you do not. "

"We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure."

"The secret of happiness is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

"If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it."

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is to you."

"It is not enough to aim; you must hit."

"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going."

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

"Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement."

"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant."

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

"He is able who thinks he is able."

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become."

"We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision."

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act."

"Action conquers fear."

"Have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them."

"Look at the abundance all around you as you go about your daily business. You have as much right to this abundance as any other living creature. It's yours for the asking."

"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."

"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted."

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be."

"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it."

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result."


"The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react."

beautiful

beautiful is
the sun
the sky
the wind
the rays
the rain
the wind chime
the fish
the breeze
the morning
the star
the music
the desert rose
the butterfly
... life is beautiful.

desert rose

from white butterfly to desert rose
i sure could fly...

white butterfly

I've got this little secret about white butterfly.

It was back in 1998 when my marriage first rocked. didn't want to spread fire therefore - stopped myself from turning to my family. blast after blast - i was at a total despair - very loss and had noone to turn to.

That particular day, i drove headlessly - undecided whether i should leave home for good or patch up and stay. my heart was broken and i really didn't know what to do. Kept praying for God to please show me the way and help ease the pain.
I stopped to make one call to X from a phone booth hoping i'd get some cues for my decision. Nope - the call did not help at all - i was still at a loss, unsure of what to do. I had Ya Allah, tolonglah hambaMu - non-stop. Got back in the car, and dalam kemelut hati and fikiran kacau, 'something' was sent to me.

A white butterfly hinggap di lengan kanan. It was there and it stayed there. It could have gotten in the car when i got out / came in for/from the call. But who would expect this little creature to just stay put on my forearm?

Suddenly hati kacau gundah gulana ribut yang melanda - lenyap. I was awed - subhanallah. agungnya kebesaranMu tuhan. He just sent one tiny fragile little creature and it changed everything that felt like my whole world was at a verge of collapsing. I was totally so so awed.

The drive from the phone booth to my apartment took around 10 minutes and through the 10 minutes, the white butterfly simply hang onto arm. I remembered smiling - it's really blissful.

I reached home - got out of the car, got into the lift, walked to my entrance, unlocked my entrance/door and my white butterfly did not nudge a bit. I sat in the living room - looking down at it on my arm - so amazed with kebesaran Tuhan.

Then i went for wudhu'. At cleaning my arm, my little friend simply creeped up my sleeve to my shoulder and stayed. Ayaiyaiyai... imagine my feeling then. And only when i sarungkan telekung - did she leave me.

And that solat, i felt like i was communicating directly to God.. kusyuk.

Of course the butterfly did not give any solution to my problem. I simply see it as a devine intervention from God to help ease the burden i was feeling inside. Alhamdulillah.

Recently, with the saga surrounding me, a white butterfly incident recur. Prior to its special appearance, i was praying to God to show me signs - permudahkan pertemuan ini - if it's right, or otherwise. A white butterfly appeared in my car - flew pass me while i was on my way. Another bliss.. And things have been so smooth so far.

Spooky - but so real.

Ya Allah, Engkaulah yang maha agung lagi maha mengetahui.


Amin.

nokhtah

bersama satu dakapan
dan ciuman di dahi
beserta airmata dan sebak suara
kau lafazkan

sebuah catatan perjalanan
bermula 05 November 1994
bernokhtah 05 December 2005.

alhamdulillah.

New Live-in Mate

This is such a sweet surprise - i discovered my new live-in mate/mates (well by the balcony that is). Never yet had the chance to exchange hello - but i sure am pleased and looking forward to meet the angkut-angkut family..

what type of x are you

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an exYou prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behindAs they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

b e r s i l i h

di jalanan hidup
ada hari panas
ada hujan
ada mendung
ada ribut
ada pelangi..
bersilih
hanya Tuhan tahu
apa bakal temani jalanan esok.

terpercik

happiness is a state of mind

sakit rupanya
bila hati
terpercik api
berharap.

warna hidup

pilihan warna hidup

apakah milik kita?

kuselit doa

sesuci melati putih

di setiap panggilan waktu

permudahkanlah...

Speedy delivery

i miss us

travelling up north to see my Q this weekend.

I miss him.

Quiz - ur religious philosophy

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

S M A B

sulh

was at the scheduled majlis sulh and X did not turn up.

the sister who's a doctor in putra jaya hospital called the court - bro under diabetic treatment therefore could not turn up for the session. Crap!! you are just full of shit!

you chose to walk out - tq - so walk out like a man and get out of my life!

what you do with your life in no concern of mine. I have let go and let God.

i only want my closure.

God grant me strengths and patience!

Aduhai...

Aduhai...
bergegar
bagai kilat menyambar
hati luluh bila kutahu
kau tergelincir lagi dalam perjalananmu

ku tenung perjalanan sedekad
menakung
menatang
membendung
mencurah kasih
mengharap
merintih kemarau kehidupan

guruh bergema
kau buang air di takungan
bukan sekali
dan berulang perjalanan
menakung
menatang
rupanya hujan tak jadi

pekat hitam wajah semalam
dek persimpangan berpecah arah
tapi siangku semakin terang
terasa hangat kecintaan
dari yang Hak
melindungi
menyayangi

Tuhan
ku titip doa seikhlas hati
ampunilah dosa kami
berikan petunjuk
berikan kekuatan
berikan cahaya
berikan keimanan
berikan keinsafan

Aduhai...
biar persimpangan berpecah arah
biar perjalanan lain tujuan
Pulang kita tetap pada yang Satu...

Wajah dugaan berupa-rupa
kedukaan - kesukaan
kelahiran - kematian
kesenangan - kesempitan
kenaikan - kejatuhan
pertemuan - perpisahan
perkahwinan - penceraian

Pasrah dan redha
kembalilah kepadaNya.

------------
ya-nya x
051194-010805

10th November 1995

Q turns 10 today and I can't be there with him. Sob! Sob! Sob! :(

He offered to come back to KL with me last Monday. I thanked him for his thoughtfulness but reminded that he'd be bored at home alone. He suggested that we take Aiman along so they could entertain each together. Ooo... that sounded like lots of fun ..... and trouble. A BIG NO flashed in my head.

The record has been that the longest the two could be at peace together is 15 minutes. Then the war starts - either small, big, silent or loud. Aiman is small in size and he's super-duper sensitive. He normally gets his way riding on d size factor, that and his innocent look. But we know most of the time he is not t h a t innocent. Q - big size - generally penyabar, unfortunately not with aiman. When Q strikes - he strikes hard!

It could be a good try from Q - to come back to KL with mom :) but I reminded him that Aiman is soon to start his tajwid class. As for Q - I re-confirmed that he's attending a motivational program soon, too. Schedule clashes and therefore i'd have to leave without him and aiman, tq :)

Q has been calling to check on my coughing - so nice of him :). I feel accommodated already by this young man. Need to instill lots of such related values in preparation for his future.
I have discussed with Q of a few 'things to do' (actually more of my REQUEST from him) during the school hols.
One: to learn ride a bicycle - yes - my 10 year old son could not ride a bike!!! Details soon. Two: to attend the motivational program at a sekolah with "pondok" concept (islamic teachings).

On learning to ride a bicycle - Adik (my brother; Q's father) has bought Q the bicycle for his 8th birthday. It has been rounds of prep talk to get Q to learn ride a bike. Without attempting to hide his reluctance while sweating all over, he made a few small attempts and would just shut down and give up after the 3rd fall... Pujuk, challenge or whatever tactics wouldn't get him to touch the bike again for the session. Tergelempang le basikal tu kat tengah laman. He wouldn't even pick it up.
I have tried all sorts of approach - without success. Q is the type who expects things to go smooth and right from the beginning. It bothers me - because life's not like that. So after 2 years of hoping he'd overcome his fear for 'hickups' - I put it to him very clearly this time that it's not an option - he HAS to make sure that by the time he comes back to KL - he could ride a bike. It's important to me - for his confidence and trust in himself.
Wickedly – I whispered that i'd tell his classmates about the 2 year secret if he fail this time. Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA! Evil huh? Well - it works! Even before i left the other day - he has survived cycling straight - and i mean straight - into anything that comes before him :).
It's such a big deal for me to see this progress - afterall i have waited 2 years. I was really worried. I don't really care about him riding a bike - it's his approach in life i am concerned about. Haahh! such a relief. One down - many more to go. I suppose by this time - he would have picked up some tips on 'cornering' - (from aiman! yeah this boy rides a bike like nobody's biznez) tangan tu keghaeh bebeno! For my recollection i shall include this - on d 2nd day of raya - beloved Q left a few scrathes at the left rear of my new car... aduuus! My reaction: told him "no worries Q - ur duit raya collection this year shall be all mine" ;) Thunderous HAH! HAH! HAA!

On attending the motivational program. The sekolah 'pondok' - is organised by Ustaz Mutalib - a penceramah bebas who has been running the pondok in Kubang Semang, Bukit Mertajam. It's really a modern pondok - not those with atap nipah ~ which would have been more 'thrilling' for Q - i'm sure. The first time Q heard of the program - he responded 'Mom, tak dak aircond', 'tidur ramai-ramai busuk', and a couple of other valid and ‘understooded’ excuses. I happily added to his list - no tv, no games, no screaming 'bibiiik, ambik tualaaaa' or 'bibiiik, mana bajuuuu?' - semua sindri mau buat.

The program is actually meant for the existing students of the pondok. It's by our request that Q is enrolled. There shall be 50 of them staying there from Monday to Friday, starting 18th Nov for a month. Don't know about the other kids but i really hope this would give different perspective of life to my beloved son.
Maktok consoled Q (ke herself?) that ‘tak pa laa.. malam-malam bila ummi hantag aiman pi ngaji tajwid, boleh la maktok pi tengok qayyum’. Haa - dia buat daahh – mak aku ni. Macamana la cucu tu tak lomah!

Having said that - gotto admit that x and i had our share as well. Last year, we enrolled Q into a summer camp. It was his first - conducted in Ulu Yam, organised by AJK Masjid Al-Falaq of USJ9. There were about 100 students mainly of year 4 to Year 6. Q was among the 4 participants from Year 3. They were sleeping in tents, about 12 tents altogether including the facilitators'.
Generators were used at nite - and turn off after mid nite. Toilet is some 100 meters aways from the camp site, then on pelita ayam were lit (tahu ke apa ke benda pelita ayam tu? i just gotto know of such thing when i was there). So bebudak yang nak ke toilet at nite kena pakai torchlight (yes toslet) and pergi berteman. Thee hee..
As much as we wanted the exposure for Q, could not bear letting him out of sight just like that. We ended-up volunteering jadi facilitators ~ minus the sleeping in the tent la. We check-in into one of the challet - no aircond - no fan, luckily ada toilet. It was quite an experience making the nite-rounds with only small torchlight. Siap tersuluh babi hutan lagi - no joke! I swear I wouldn't be there if its not for Q..

It has been 2 years now that Q left his parents, siblings and mak to come live with me (and x). i believe it's not easy for him. I never experienced being pregnant - donno if i ever will, but all the same I feel I am very much a mother to Q. He equates an amanah based on my brother and his wife’s love for me. Not to mention - mak's sacrifice to let go of her beloved first cucu away. I am thankful to God to be blessed with all these wonderful people in my life.

Qayyum, Happy 10th birthday. I love you so very much.

Hugs and kisses, Mom

Back Again

Alhamdulillah. I got home safely after 4 hours drive from hometown with bibik - in my new car (kayta raye ;). Bibik's suppose to jaga and keep me awake, therefore mak and adik made her sit kat depan with me. But bibik being bibik - i stopped at a petrol station which is 15 minutes drive away from mak's place - and she's dozed off! The rest of d journey must be mimpi indah balik indon for her…

Balik kampong trip this time was with adik and family driving down from hometown, fetched Q, bibik and moi in KL and drive back from KL to hometown (hmm – inilah yang dikatakan nikmat & hikmah kancah kehidupan :). Full of excitement - were Fatihah, Aiman and Q - so very much in 'balik kampong' mood. Aiman & Fatihah never experienced balik kampong - so this marked their virgin trip. Allahyarham Sudir's balik kampong dibibir - each with different pelat - kecoh. But later - it got quiet and peaceful pasal yang bertiga tu masuk ke alam mimpi jua..
Traffic was smooth as we were among the early birds to balik kampong i.e 2 days before deepavali. Yes – it was a looonng holiday.. Cek ghaya sakan!

A day before raya – adik, Q and I visited kubur arwah beloved abah and mak tok. Did some cleaning work sambil berdoa for all beloved ones.

Di pagi raya – bermaafan and photo session. As early as 0830 hours the doorbell rang dek budak-budak kampong – tersangatlah comel-comelnya. As tho ada standard practice – after the bell rang, Fatihah wud be racing against Aiman to the door - both would be smiling broadly while waiting for the bebudak to jalan from the gate to pintu rumah. Next – exchange of greetings ‘asalamualaikuuumm – waalaikumsalaamm’. Next - supposedly - Fatihah kasi duit raya to the girls and Aiman kasi the boys, but our little heroin main kromo jer.. so ada gak adegan berkuntau between the 2. Anyway - what amazed me was that NONE of the little visitors accepted our offer untuk masuk makan kue ghaya! So much about silatulrahim & bermaaf-maafan or is it - money matters?! Kena review concept next year..

2nd raya – Nek Su’s annual event – kenduri laksa which is so sedap.

3rd raya – 5th November - ada wedding ceremony of a 1st cousin. Both bride and groom are still studying in Cairo. She’s 24 - married to her senior of 7 years – match-making result by another senior friend.
Coincidentally – 11 years ago – I had my wedding. Bad sign ka apa tak tau - I was down with viral fever plus bad coughing – therefore remained ‘inactive’ – heheheh!

4th raya - as body still aching – had to postpone my trip back to KL (which is a blessing because accordingly it was a BIG VERY congested and BAD traffic).

Q stayed back to spend school hols at kampong. Mak wanted to accompany me – but she’s been coughing so bad she lost her voice. I know any trip could worsen her coughing – so I convinced her that I would be fine.
D i d n ’ t t h i n k i t w u d b e t h i s q u i e t t h o …. Hm - Must be the impact from the (nak pantun siket)

hiruk-pikuk beraya sakan,
mengacau dodol di rumah pak long,
lodeh, lontong and sambal sotong jadi hidangan,
berat badan naik balik – mak oi – tolong!

Was back at work today. Office is rather quiet – morning meeting only with 6 attendees. My email account was closed for obvious reason. Coughing getting worse and everyone who called commented on my husky voice.

Despite it all – I am glad I am back again.

The balcony

This is my balcony. At night, it becomes my favourite spot - where I often sit by watching the sky - deep in my own thots - menitip perjalanan hari dan muhasabah diri... The beautiful music orchestrated by the wind chime and flowing water from my little fountain - never fail me, so far.

Sesungguhnya kehidupan yang singkat ini cukup indah..

8 Ramadhan 1423

It's early morning on Sunday - 5 Ramadhan 1426. Terdengar suara mak from the other room - membaca ayat suci al-quran. It's mak's daily routine. Turut beri ketenangan for me. Syukur aku padaMu Tuhan dengan masih adanya Mak with me. What would i do without her.

I know mak misses arwah abah. Especially bila Ramadhan tiba. Well - i miss abah too. Banyak 'tak berkesempatan' dengan abah. I wished i had done more....

I went back to Penang almost every other weekend since abah had his second stroke which had left him unable to speak. It had been almost four months, and since, Mak had not left the house at all - seeing to abah's needs. Besides that - there's adik who has been attending to abah - taking him for his theraphy sessions, mandi and cleanedkan abah. He's a good son. Me - i was in KL - busy with life and (kerenah) x.
Anyway - back to abah - everyone thought he was getting better and stronger each day. We expected him to be 'independent' again in no time.

It was a Sunday - 6th Ramadhan. We 'gathered' for adik and q's birthday at buka puasa. Abah could not take any food. But he was there with us at the dining table - in his wheelchair. I pujuk abah supaya makan a little for his strength, but he simply could not swallow the food. I peeled a manggo - he only took a small slice.

Then it was time for me to leave for KL - would be working the next day. Hati berat sangat nak tinggalkan abah. And Abah pun seemed berat sangat nak let me go. He held me close - kissed my hand and lama tenung my face. We both cried. I told him i'd be coming home to be with him the coming weekend again. I planned to sleep by abah's side the next trip home.

But that weekend with abah never came. Monday nite - i received the call - abah tenat. I was racing against time - I wished i could fly and immediately be there next to abah.

Tuhan lebih menyayangi abah. 8th Ramadhan - he left us.

I wished i had done so much more...

Ya Allah - cucuri rahmatMu ke atas roh abah. Masukkan dia bersama golongan anbiya.

Al-Fatihah!

Appreciation

Everyday - i get out from my bed wishing it's a weekend instead - i wanted to sleep longer. I needed to sleep longer. But came sunday morning ~ I found myself awake and eager to get out of the bed ?:/ Hmm.. apparently such longiness only buat road call on weekdays.

Since abah left us 3 years ago, mak would hardly leave the house during Ramadhan. Apatah lagi to 'pegang puasa' (starting of puasa) elsewhere. However this year - she's here with me - she started Ramadhan with me and Q.

Menjelang Ramadhan, adalah jugak i terkenangkan of the Ramadhan last year. Never had i thot that it was my last Ramadhan with X. Had a good appreciation on ketentuan Qada and Qadar - tak siapa yang tahu what's next to come. And silently, for the first time since August 1st 2005, i sensed the scepticism about 'going into the next day'. Somehow - alhamdulillah - i managed to park it elsewhere.

I am not taking it for granted - but it definitely wouldn't be this easy without Mak being around. I am so blessed with her everlasting love. Always accommodating, always giving... Thank you, Mak. Aku bersyukur padaMu Tuhanku.

Dah masuk hari ke 5 Ramadhan. I have hardly masuk ke dapur. Mak covered the bit for me supervising bibik. Everything wud be set on the table when i got home from work :).

The other day at Kg Baru - we passed a stall selling roti jala. Mak agreed with me that the roti nampak terlebih colouring - kuning 'me-ghre-ngau' (very loud yellow). And therefore we gave it a miss. I told mak i'd prepare some for her - err - soon. Today wud be a good day... let me surprise my kitchen.. jeng! jeng! jeng!

Roti jala is the favourite of most of my beloved ones. This include Mak, arwah Abah, arwah Mak Tok (my grandma), my brother and even X. The thing is whenever i served roti jala - they tend to make me feel like i was the saviour for the day - heheheh!. However pun they expressed it - as much as they love roti jala - i love preparing and making roti jala for them.

After so long - my dapur 'berasap' today. And the menu for break fast:
Roti Jala & Curry Ayam - Mak's favourite
Pengat / Serawa Pisang & Nangka - Q's request.
Mixed vege - for moi!

Bubur Lambok @ Kg. Baru

Sogo was on Sale - the crowd need no special mention. Cari parking susah macam nak rak. But Mak wanted to buy bedsheets. It gives her so much pleasure to shop for her beddings - it's almost about all she goes for of late. So ku gagahi jua.

After some 4 hours - mak ended up with 5 new bedding sets (each complete dengan duvet - so appreciate the bulkiness, pls) this time. While I pushed mak on her wheelchair, Q & Bibik struggled with the duvets plus the other stuff that i bought - pushing them thru the growing crowd. Ponek but i was happy to see mak smiling away.

Was coming out from Sogo when Mak said - "Yang, Kg Baru jauh dak?". I thot - O boy - dia buat dah... "No, napa Mak?". Mak eagerly reponded "Mak teghingin nak makan buburk lambuk. Jom kita pi cari sat". A very simple request indeed. But the truth is - since i moved to KL in 1997 - ada la kot 5-6 kali i intentionally got to Kg Baru. Twice was with x for mee rebus at one of the stalls, twice with colleague for lunch at one of the tomyam restaurant. The others - i can't recall. Apart from the fact that i used to have a 'driver' to take me places... and therefore the ol dependency somehow prolong and restrict my 'movements'; in my capacity - i don't have much reasons to go to Kg Baru. Why need i go there for? What need i find there? Well - there u go torts - buburk lambuk for mak...

I have no idea whereabout is the masjid that gives away the famous bubur. Then again Kg Baru is no kota metropolitan - i could not possibly get lost there, right? pi kut tu - mai kut ni - kat situu la jugak. My approach then was to hentam je ikut where most cars were heading - that with a mixture of a l'ttle gut feeling and tawakkal. After all - i got mak by my side.
We ended up with a jalan with ramadhan-stalls along each side. It was around 3pm - not all stalls were operating. We spotted one with 'di sini ada jual bubur lambuk'. Q and Bibik got down to make the purchase only to be told that 'hari ni tak jual, dik'. Alahai... kesian mak.

A few stalls ke depan ada jual satay ikan. We stopped for the satay ikan. The abang jual satay ikan responded to our query "pegi ambik je kat masjid tu. tak payah beli - depa bagi percuma, acik. Ramai orang pegi ambik".
"aa.. masjid kat mana bang?" i asked. Mak sempat mencelah "makcik mai dari pulau pinang. dah lama sangat teringin nak ghasa buburk lambuk kg baru ni... Selalu dok tengok dalam tv saja..".

While pointing to the direction of the masjid, the abang jual satay ikan grabbed a bungkusan of a red plastic bag containing A PACK OF BUBUR LAMBUK - and handed to my mom. What a relief. "Makcik ambiklah ni.. saya ambik kat masjid tadi".
Mak touched tapi rasa serba salah pulak : "anak punya?".
Abang : "tak apa makcik - saya kat sini dah selalu makan bubur lambuk".

We thanked the kind-hearted abang jual satay ikan. May God bless him.
As we left - Q triggered "kat mana masjid tu mom?". To cut the story short - we ended with Q and Bibik queuing up - not so much for the bubur lambuk (we got a packet from the kind-hearted abang satay ikan ;)) - but more so - just to experience what the others had all these years :)



Q q-ing up.






Q still q-ing up









THE Masjid Kg Baru

Beloved mak - waiting.

w h a t g o e s u p w i l l c o m e d o w n . . .

Dugaan comes in many forms - some thru happiness while others thru trying period. Whatever is the package - it serves as means to test our faith. With faith - we should strive to seek His blessings. It's all in a cycle.

Therefore too - what goes up will come down.

I believe in the subject. It applies to everybody. You or me, the neighbour or the boss or the coursemate or the coleague or the X (heheheh!) especially - no escape clause.

Note to myself:
a) You do good as called for
b) You don't get to pick and choose onto whom you'd prefer to do good or do 'lesser'
c) If you get away with b) - it could just be another form of dugaan.

Would it not hurt when someone else do 'lesser' onto your love ones... or worse still - your love ones suffer for your do 'lesser'?

So - do good! What goes up will come down.

Quote-unquote from the meetings

* anticipate
* this is the time the boys are separated from the men
* .. his father-in-law has passed away. It wud be nice if it's the mother-in-law instead
* que serra, serra
* @%#&!
* hang on there
* get real
* bullshit
* let's not drag this..
* selective memory
* selective listening
* let's move on

Senyap Bermakna

Hanya hati sendiri
yang setia
menjadi teman
mendengar bisikan
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

tanpa curiga
akan niat bisikan cerita
dan airmata

tanpa tergugat keikhlasan
pada sekeping hati kecewa

yang ku harapkan
hanya teman
mendengar bisikan cerita
menyimpan segala rahsia
menangisi kesalan dan gusaran yang bersilih

yang ketemui
kelainan pada keikhlasan
kata dan senyuman
lontaran kejauhan
dan senyap bermakna

.

a gift

my rainbow

muhammad qayyum, muhammad aiman & nur fatihah

s o l i t u d e

Sorry

You said you are sorry to have to do this to me
I reminded you that life is about choices
and that i have no regrets whatsoever
and that i only want you to settle your due obligations..
and walk out like a man.

Nukilan dated 6 July 2005

Kau kata di permulaan
Kau malukut di tepi gantang cuma
Dan aku bertekad merentasi perjalanan
Demi cinta kita
Berpaut secebis potensi yang ku pasti kau miliki

Rupanya sukar perjalanan ini
Jatuh, bangun,
Tersungkur dan jatuh lagi
Tetap digagahi

Dengan hijrah sinar baru menerjah
Sayangnya kau cepat alpa
Kau akur dengan godaan menara
Sedangkan aku masih termengah
Dengan jatuh bangun perjalanan semalam

Terkapa..
Terkapa..
Pautan ku rapuh rupanya
Hati dan cinta berkecai
Ku kaut, ku cantum tinggalan
Tak lagi sama
Tampak nyata serpihan di sini sana

Aduhai...
Ke manakah hala tuju?

Seusia ku diulit cengkaman
Di persimpangan dan jurang
Yang tak pernah terduga
Sanggup kau bawa

Berpatah bagai meminggir maruah
Berterus bagai menggadai kepercayaan diri

Ntah apalah asasnya
Kita teruskan jua
Mungkinkah kerana kita manusia
Terkadang tersadung langkahnya

Sampai kini
Perjalanan harian dengan tawa dan resah
Sering diterjah mimpi ngeri semalam
Keindahan bagai persinggahan
Antara mimpi-mimpi yang melelahkan emosi
Mengikis dasar cinta dan kasih

Apakah masih kita rasa?

Penantianku kini berharian
Bilakah waktunya?
Apakah kan tiba?
Giliran aku dibelai manja
Tanpa perlu meresah setiap perjalanan kehidupan.

Life Saga

Pre-X
so much love
so much hope
so much pain
so much prayers
so much strength
so many falls
so many crawls
so many fears
so many tears
so many sacrifices
so many hurdles
so many circles

X
so betrayed

Post-X
let go
let God
..
get real - move-on.

0301

Was driving to work when the phone rang. 0301 - familiar but who? malas nak fikir. Picked up anyway - couldn't hear any respond from the other end. Hang up. Then it rang again.

Heard salam from a voice - so close to my heart - a few beats skipped. OmiGod. How could i not remember the 0301? Call from Mekkah - my adopted son Fery!

Lost for words - but it's really good that someone out there - close to the house of Allah is thinking of you. Fery is 19 - he left Indonesia last year to follow his pamans footsteps to study in Masjidil Haram. Met him while performing umrah and he helped me a lot while i was there. Oh! sweet memories with him & beloved mak & Q and Kaabah.

"Sama-sama kita doakan ya, ummy - semoga Tuhan maqbulkan hasrat kita". His "asalkan ummy sihat, tenang dan bertawakkal, serta tak lupakan Allah" is so POWERFUL.

God works mysteriously.

It's a pleasant surprise from him, and from God. Thank you.

little cactus

A friend gave this cactus sometimes back in May this year. It was so little and fragile then. I fear I wud break its splits (branch is not it, right?) everytime i drip water onto it.

I'm not blessed with green fingers - normally plants i touch would surely go pe-ot. I thot this tiny little green plant would not last longer than my last umrah trip. Notice today that it's grown so much. Hmm.. this little cactus has survived this far.. getting better each day - self-sustaining - self-rectifying.

If i am a plant - i want to be this little cactus on my office desk.

My Sunshine

Woke up a little late - reached Q's school gate at 0730 hours. Very guilty - Q hates it when his name is taken as a late comer. Bad Mom! Ok - i'll have to change my schedule.

Q however - apart from the normal exchange of kiss-on-the-cheek before getting off the car, leaned against me and said 'take care, mom.'. This is nothing new - but i am especially so touched with his gesture today. I needed it..

Q, I love you so much - my sunshine.

UP or DOWN

Can't decide if i should take down these paintings which are still up on my bedroom wall. These were my anniversary "commemoration"... eewe - then very the sementol!

The reason they are still up is purely becoz - i like my art work.

I wud hate it if anyone were to think that i'm keeping them up for some sentimental values. Puhleasse! Gone, kaput, elek-pocik. I'm out of there for good!

So - up or down?